You just got to believe....

Wonderful week. Butterfly is doing great. I can't stop thinking about school. Maybe that is the whole issue. Maybe she just isn't ready for kindergarten. She appears so carefree and happy after a week off of school. She is not getting "in trouble" all day. She is not being singled out. She is getting lots of positive attention. 

I want to believe it is all the school. Then we could just pull her. Keep her home another year. Or move her to the charter school which has more individualized instruction (we think). 

The Teacher at Brother's school called yesterday. We have become friends.  She told us to call the head of enrollment at the charter school Monday morning. I think we may have gotten into the school.  Now what?! It is all we wanted over the summer. I still think it would be a better fit for Butterfly... especially over the long run.  I can't imagine pulling her though. I understand we get a chance to go observe the classroom and talk with Teachers, etc before we make the decision. It would be amazing if we got in there. I think we would do it.  

Butterfly Girl got a scooter for Christmas. Yesterday she rode it around the park for 45 minutes, singing at the top of her lungs "you just got to believe in your heart."  She didn't even miss a beat when she crashed into the trashcan. She just kept singing while she brushed herself off and then jumped back on the scooter. It was pretty cute.

Early Christmas Morning

Everyone in the house still sleeps on Christmas morning. I have never gotten over the excitement of waking up early on Christmas Day. I am waiting and looking forward to a great day!

Happy

Vacation is going great! Butterfly Girl has been without incident for several days. Minor tantrums maybe but nothing big. She has been gentle and very patient with Brother. She has laughed- lots. She has used her manners. She has stopped grinding her teeth. She is more easily redirected. I would even say that she is.... happy.

It all makes me wonder about school. It has to be tied to school. Maybe she has those outburst when she feels the most stress. Or nervousness. Or pressure. I also remember that her behavior is cyclical. At least it used to be. We have just been in a rough cycle for a long time. Maybe we are finally in a "good" cycle.

Maybe school is not a good choice for her now. Maybe we should pull her and home school. It is only kindergarten after all. And honestly, it is such a relief to have little Butterfly back from the darkness even if it is only a short respite. The whole family needed this break.

We see the shrink next Friday- just me and Partner. I can't wait. I hope I am not disappointed.

Today is Christmas Eve. The kids are soooooo excited about it. Yesterday, we made cookies to deliver to our neighbors and friends. Today, we will go to the beach and the pier. We hope to go to the snow on Friday! Can't wait. I love being home!

Half Way There

Butterfly Girl was indeed very proud of her award on Friday. Although she struggled while waiting for all the kids to file into the auditorium, she was super surprised when Principal called her name. She acted quite shy when she went up on stage but happy too. She later told me her friends were clapping for her.

Later that morning, Principal called. Butterfly Girl had to come home early.. She was not suspended. We had asked that Principal calls us if Butterfly was having a rough day. We wanted to end the week before vacation on a good note.

That night we celebrated as a family with a cupcake. It felt good to recognize Butterfly's successes. We are half way through the year.

Today Butterfly will get a surprise. There is a big school assembly this morning. Butterfly will be recognized for her writing. Teacher says it is outstanding for a kindergartner. I am very proud of her. I have my camera out - we will all walk to school together and then slip into the auditorium. I am not sure how she will react to the surprise award. Often Butterfly does not like surprises. But, we will be there. And I think she will feel super proud of herself.

This week was pretty good. She only went to Principal's once for pulling a classmate of a chair. Butterfly was observed having asked her classmate to move out of her seat several times- patiently. After the fifth time with no response from the classmate, Butterfly grabbed "her by the clothes" and pulled her off the seat. Butterfly told me next time it would be a "better thing to go tell Teacher instead of hurting a friend".

She did made it through the class party without incident. Butterfly didn't even get mad when she spilled her blueberry smoothie- she just started cleaning it up. I have not noticed her grinding her teeth as much either. She seems more focused. Maybe we are making some progress.

We finally got the appointment with the psychiatrist- this is a psychiatrist that was recommended by a friend whose kid goes to see him. Partner and I will go to meet him first on January 2nd at noon. We will have to find a babysitter.

I asked Principal for the notes from the SST, her written otes/observances of Butterfly, her suspension notice. She told me I needed a release- I will get one from the doctor at our appointment. I also asked her to star the process for an IEP. She said she needs it in writing- they then have 60 days to get back to us.

An IEP is comprehensive psych testing. If the school approves it, we get the battery of tests at no cost. If they don't, we have to pay $3000 to get the tests. I have decided to wait until after we meet with the doc to request it. Maybe then we will be more likely to get the school to cover it.

I wonder how some families ever navigate the system- it is a full time job.

No Worries Little One

Monday at school resulted in no suspension or trips to Prinicpal. These days that sis what marks a particuraly great day in our books. Partner goes to school on Mondays to help in the classroom in the afternoon. That sometimes results in a bettter day.

Butterfly seemed more focused last night too. When I would direct her to an activity, she would listen after the first two or so times. Often it takes several minutes to redirect.

I have noticed that she has begun ginding her teeth. It has to be stress related. If I begin talking to Butterfly about school, she begins grinding. Or if she is upset or angry. This is all so sad sometimes.

And through all of it, Butterfly is still only five years old. I told Butterfly that she needs to laugh more-honestly, I need to hear it. I reminded her that she is just a kid even though we have all these "big girl" talks now adays. I remind her to leave the worrying to me- that is my job. I remind her that kids her age shouldn't have much to worry about it- that her days should be filled with laughter and fun and learning. I tell her she can let go. Relax. And to help her, I now try to make her laugh every morning.

Yesterday, when she woke, Buttterfly began grinding her teeth right away. I stopped getting her dressed. Stopped talking about school. I started tickling her. She laughed and laughed. She begged me to stop. Then she begged for more. Sometimes it isn't until I hear her laugh that I realize how long it has been since I last heard it.

The shrink we were trying to get Butterfly Girl into see finally told us he isn't taking new patients. We are looking again.

We had a nice afternoon at a friend's house. Butterfly and Brother got along great. We left smoothly when it was time to go. Tonight we decorated the tree. Overall, a great day. I wish I could be home with them everyday.

We found out that Babysitter had let the kids eat a whole box of candy canes. Since they rarely get sugar these days, that might explain part of the outburst last night. We realize we need to go with very experienced babysitters from now on.

Babysitter

Yesterday, Butterfly was back at school. There was a Holiday Concert in the morning. The whole family went to watch Butterfly Girl on the stage with her classmates in front of the whole school and families. She did awesome! Butterfly waited patiently- standing still and looking out over the big crowd- for fifteen minutes- that's pretty much a record for her. When the concert started, she sang her little heart out. We were all very proud.

Apparently the rest of the day was not so good. She had to go to the office once. She also had to go to the classroom next door- 2nd graders I think- and sit there because she was being too disruptive in her class. That is a new one. Not sure if it worked. Really did not get any details- not even sure why she went to the office.

Partner and I finally saved up enough to get a babysitter and go out for a little break last night. We desperately wanted a brief respite. When we return home three hours later, the babysitter is noticeably shaken. There is stuff all over the kitchen and the floor.

Apparently, Brother had squashed the little clay cat Butterfly had made. Butterfly exploded- throwing everything off the kitchen table, hitting Brother "six times". Then she took a tile from the kitchen table (a thing for hot plates) and threw it at Brother's face. Babysitter blocks it with her hand and gets a big bloody cut. When Butterfly sees the blood, she finally begins to calm down.

Brother is sleeping now. Babysitter says it took a long time to get him to calm down. Butterfly Girl is having a quiet tea party. Partner begins to clean up and put together the pieces of what transpired through the Babysitters recounts. Babysitter is actually very understanding. We are not sure why she did not call us.

Babysitter said she could see how frustrated Butterfly was- on her face, her body. The other day, another parent (who is also a teacher at another school) asked Partner "what's wrong with Butterfly?" As someone who doesn't know Butterfly at all, she talked about her body language- how frustrated and angry her movements appeared. She talked about how different Butterfly appeared- from even summertime.

We are struggling again with decisions. Everything is escalating. So tempting to just pull her from school. A spot has opened at the charter school we had desperately wanted to get into. There are two families ahead of us on the wait list. If it comes down to it, I think we would move her if we got the opportunity.

We need to get her to the psychiatrist. I wish the guy would call me back for the appointment. We are looking forward to winter break- no stress of school. It will be so welcomed- by all of us.

SUSPENDED

Well it happened. The call. Butterfly Girl was suspended yesterday. Interestingly, I am not as freaked out as I imagined I would be. Neither was Partner.

We notice things are escalating at school. She has had a very rough week. Monday she hit a girl. Tuesday she scratched a boy. And then yesterday she hit a boy and would not stop until someone pulled her off. It almost all happens at recess or some other unstructured time. Teacher does not allow her to bring her "lovey" with her to recess. Butterfly says that is why she is doing it. I have no idea anymore.

Last night we thought maybe it is all behavioral- she does have control. She is just much smarter than we give her credit. Brother and her were playing in their homemade fort. Brother kicked her. Butterfly calmly said "do not kick me. I don't like it". And... that was it.

So, if that is the case, we should just be firmer. Set more boundaries. Give more consequences. But that never seemed to work. When I finally sat down to talk with her (after a horrible day at work - life doesn't stop just because things fall apart at home). I felt at a loss as to what to say to her about the suspension. And Butterfly asked me right away "What's suspended?" I wanted to tell her like it is- this continues to happen and you will be kicked out! This is super serious!! You have got to get control of yourself. But I remembered how that kind of pressure builds in her. How it breaks her down. I remembered that she is five.

I have to get her in to see the psychiatrist because I don't know what to do. We hope to have the first appointment next week. They don't take insurance so we have to come up with cash and bill insurance ourselves. I think the guy is going to work with me. I am desperate to get her in before all the holidays madness starts. I am scared to death to take her to a shrink- I don't want to be handed a diagnosis and a bottle of pills. I told him we would want to try everything before medication. He said he will not usually put 5 year old on medication.

Suspension is not going to be a good tool working with Butterfly. I think she enjoyed some extra time with Partner. I wish I could figure out how to get Butterfly to stop that one moment and walk to the Teacher instead of lashing out....particularly when some kid is provoking her. The boy she hit yesterday- he called her a "stupid moron" before she began to kick his butt. The boy the day before that said to her tauntingly "you want to go for it?" And she didn't bother to answer- just grabbed his arm and dug her nails in.

Kindergarten is no sweet place. Hell, even preschool is rough. Brother called from the back seat yesterday to Partner "fuck you mommy". This has been an on going issue with a child in his preschool that constantly says those words. Now, all the three year olds are running around the yard yelling it at each other. We just pray Butterfly doesn't hear him and repeat that to the Principal or Teacher. Then they will really wonder what we are teaching them at home.

Communication Breakdown

Yesterday at drop off, Butterfly Girl showed Teacher all the pictures and math work she had done over the weekend. Teacher sat and listen to Butterfly. It was a good drop off.

Then I headed for Principal's office to ask about the therapist intern that left the voicemail saying she could no longer see Butterfly on Monday's. Principal had heard nothing of it. She would not come from behind the office counter- I had to talk about it front of all the parents and kids waiting in the office. I tried to speak code.

I decided to leave a note for the intern therapist and her supervisor- taped to their office door. I reminded them that we had called last week several times to follow up. I reminded them that in our SST meeting we had agreed that Butterfly would move to twice a week therapy. I reminded them that Butterfly does best with prep and closure time. I reminded them that they needed to call us- ASAP.

Later that morning, Intern calls. It is all a misunderstanding. Intern was only going to miss one Monday. Not canceling Mondays. Then why did you say you were no longer able to see Butterfly on Mondays?! Why didn't you call us back last week when we were worried, concerned and stressed? Not sure if it is from our pressure and constant follow up or the intern's ineptness but at elast Butterfly is back on the schedule.

At pick up, Principal told Partner that Butterfly had to go the her office again today- pushing another little girl. Principal was bitchy. Partner finally had a chance to follow up with Principal about the office time Butterfly was supposed to have had as a consequence last week.

Principal said she had been waiting for Teacher to tell her that Butterfly had done "something really great". Am I crazy? The morning that Butterfly was supposed to go for her consequence, Principal and I met. We specifically talked about Butterfly going to the office that day. Teacher did not know that Principal was waiting for Butterfly to doing something "great". No one knew. Maybe Princpal is crazy. The communication is horrible. I am frustrated again.

The Great Days

Butterfly Girl had a wonderful day yesterday. That translates into me having an incredible day too. When it all goes well, our whole house seems to float. The vibe is relaxed. But having a wonderful day is no walk in the park. It still takes effort- diligently staying 5 steps ahead of Butterfly. Making quick adjustments to steer from disaster. But, on days like yesterday, the whole family has a chance to recharge.

And I love to watch Butterfly on the great days. Her heart is so kind and patient. She showed Brother how to play "fairy" on the computer. Then showed him how to paint trains, gently redirecting Brother at times. He was full of pride- when Butterfly takes time to play with him, when she is patient and gentle, he is on top of the world.

Partner and I talk about how Butterfly's behavior impacts Brother. At only 3 years old, he has seen some pretty hard stuff with his big sister. Tantrums in the car, screaming fits, throwing, kicking and hitting fits. Sometimes he gets scared. Sometimes he cries. We try to remove him when possible but often it just isn't possible. We talk with him, give him love. And then, when Butterfly has a wonderful day, he soars too. We all do.

Once a Therapist told me that wasn't healthy. Butterfly should not be in charge of the day- whether it is good or bad for everyone. I agree in theory. I agree in the little office with the comfortable couch, framed displays of higher education dotting the walls, nice views. But it is not practical. When Butterfly has a crappy day, so do I. It takes a lot out of me. I live for the great days. I love them.

A Good Day

The school had a jog-a-thon- translate mass chaos and unstructured time. And I made a horrible mistake and allowed Butterfly Girl to bring a small plastic fairy she named Blossom as her "lovey" for the day. Teacher said she couldn't have any toys- only soft stuffed animals. I should have known. My partner knew. Somehow, I missed out on hearing that rule.

Anyway, Butterfly did not want to give it up. That resulted in crying in the corner- she hid because she didn't want friends to see her crying. It took me 30 minutes to get her to give up the toy and choose a stuffed toy from a basket at school. She wanted to go home- begging me. I was already worried about the jog-a-thon. All I wanted to do was take her and get out there. But, I figured down the road there would be hell to pay for that...anytime Butterfly got upset she would think she could go home.

I finally got her out of the corner and sitting at a table in the back where she could draw. She was not ready to join friends on the rug. Teacher kept coming over to explain to Buterfly why she could not have the fairy. I think she was trying to help but it wasn't helping. Butterfly was very angry. After a hug, I left her there sitting there alone. I told myself she would feel better after I left.

A little later, I left work so I could home before the jog-a-thon started and watch Brother. Partner would go to the school. Butterfly was worried about the jog-a-thon. She says she is slow and always comes in last. She does not want to run. So, with drop off being rough, we decided that Partner should show up at school to support her during the jog-a-thon.

Butterfly surprised everyone- even Teacher. Butterfly ran 14 laps on the school track. Butterfly had a blast. She was very proud of herself. When she got home, I helped her change out of her sweaty clothes. Partner and I breathed a sigh of relief. Butterfly had a "good" day.

Fragile Web

Well. Principle was right there at the gate. I marched up to her. "I would like to speak with you this morning." She said fine, come on in after you drop her off. Butterfly smiles at Principle. Principle pats her on the head.

I head to the classroom, bracing myself for the little girl's parent to say something or look at me funny because of Butterfly's incident yesterday on the playground. Instead, she smiles at me and touches my arm, "they are growing up so fast, aren't they?" I am so disarmed, all I can do is look at her and smile. Teacher opens the door. Butterfly runs up and shows Teacher her "lovey" for the day. (Butterfly brings a small stuffed toy to school everyday to hold or squeeze when she feels like hurting a friend). Teacher genuinely smiles and acts interested in Butterfly's explanation. Teacher says hi to me.

Nothing is going as I planned. I had envisioned a group of folks with pitch forks and lanterns blocking our way into school today. It has actually been a very smooth drop off.

Butterfly then asks one of the little girls where she is going to sit so they can sit together. The little girl responds "are you going to bother me with your hands?" It snaps me back to my mission at hand. I give Butterfly a big hug and head to the Principle's office.

The conversation goes great. She is not defensive. She is concerned when I tell her that Butterfly is scared of her. She assures me that she does not tell Butterfly that she is "bad or mean". Principle talks about "when she chooses to have a behavior.." I interrupt her. I tell her I don't think it is a choice. I am sure it is an impulse control issue. I don't want Butterfly punished. She needs to be redirected, recentered. That is what works. She actually listens. She doesn't yell. Or accuse.

We talk about rewarding Butterfly for good behavior. I explain that doesn't really work because again, she can't control the impulse. Still, we decide that to build Principle's relationship with her (so that it isn't all bad and scary), Butterfly will sometimes go to the Principle's office to be her helper. I like that idea. I can imagine how proud Butterfly will be.

I tell Principle that we plan to start seeing a psychiatrist that works specifically with children that have outburst/ impulse control issues. Principle seems pleased and says she is excited to see what she can learn from the psychiatrist too. Principle tells me that she will follow up on the things that we had talked about for the classroom in the SST. She will also become the person to communicate with us so that Teacher is talking about issues in front of other parents and kids. And, to support Teacher, whenever something happens with Butterfly, she will be sent to Principle hopefully alleviating some of Teacher's frustration. And, she said we can't expect change overnight. Well, I know that... I had assumed they didn't know it. I thanked her.

She reminds me that today Butterfly will spend lunch and recess with Principle as a consequence for yesterday. I tell her that Butterfly and I have talked about that and she knows she will be with Principle. We agree that it is good to be consistent. I agree to support the "consequences" by talking them through at home and allowing some consequences to be put in place.

Internally, I am wondering why Principle did not suspend Butterfly since that is what she told us and more importantly, Butterfly. We have to be consistent with what we tell Butterfly and then actually follow through with it. Not that I want her to get suspended but it is worse to tell her one thing and do something else. I decide to let it pass for now. I feel good- almost airy on the walk home.

Later that day we get a call from the Intern therapist at the school. Intern leaves a bubbly message that she will no longer be able to see Butterfly on Mondays. Please call if you have any questions. Of course we have questions!!! You are her therapist and all the sudden you can't see her! That will crush Butterfly. Several messages later but still no call back.

At pick up Butterfly tells us that she did not have to go Principle's office for lunch or recess. She doesn't know why because no one said anything about it. She went on the yard like usual. So much for consistency. All the sudden, it seems like our web of support had become brittle and fragile again. It will only work if we are all working together.

Welcome to the Other Side

It has returned. In all its ugliness. Butterfly had a horrible day at school. Two times to Principle's office. She pulled down a girls pants on the playground and ran off laughing. Later, she crashed into the line of classmates waiting to go to lunch, knocking over a boys lunch pail, spilling all of it on the ground. He punched her, she punched back and on it went. I wonder how Butterfly could do something like pulling down the girls pants. It is so mean. It is so embarrassing. I know I will have to see her mother tomorrow.

Partner went to pick Butterfly up like normal. Principle was waiting at the gate and escorted her directly to the office. Principle gave a detailed account from her growing file of notes on Butterfly. Principle pointed out that Butterfly seemed to be lieing about a small scratch she had on her wrist. Butterfly said it happened that day at school. Principle said it was old and did not happen that day. She asks Partner when Butterfly got the scratch. It is not a good meeting. Principle excuses Partner to go pick up Butterfly.

Partner doesn't feel like Butterfly understands the seriousness of today. They stop by my work so I can "talk" to Butterfly. In the parking lot, Butterfly is out of control. Screaming and crying. Shaking. Terrified. It does not go like planned. Instead of a firm talking to, I ended up trying desperately to console her. She is close to hyperventilating. Eventually, I get her calmed down.

Partner has to go pick up Brother. I take Butterfly back into work with me. She hides her head as I walk through the office. She has always been "scared" to let other people see her cry. I shut the door to my office. She immediately begins to draw. Pictures of people crying. Over and over. Big tear drops and frowns on every face.

When I ask Butterfly what she is feeling, she replies "scared". Butterfly is scared that she will have to leave her school. Butterfly says she also doesn't want to go back. She is scared she will hurt someone. Butterfly says she is "mean and bad" and no one likes her. She says "I wish I were dead."

All I wish is that I wasn't at my stupid work. I feel like screaming. I don't know how to help my little Butterfly. I have never felt so lost or so desperate. She seems to switch off those emotions. She starts spelling on the paper and drawing squiggles. She talks about other things- her tone of voice has changed and she appears like she is fine. I wonder if it helped her just to say the words. Or is it all so painful that she has just shut it off?

Partner arrives back and Butterfly leaves with her. As I put her in the car she begins to cry again. I ask her to be a good girl for Mommy this afternoon. She says "I will". I give Brother a kiss. As I close the door, I see the tears in Partner's eyes. I mouth the words "hold it together. i love you." Partner tells me that evening that as they pulled away, Butterfly threw a toy at her head and began another tantrum that lasted all the way home.

That night Partner and I talk through all of it. We debate sending her to school tomorrow. Has the Principle been telling Butterfly that she is "bad" or "mean"? At pick up Teacher was visibly upset. Have they lost all patience with Butterfly?

I am up at 3 AM the next morning. I feel myself becoming furious with Principle and Teacher. How dare they!? This is my school. They have known Butterfly for less than 4 months. I make a list of all the things I am going to say to Principle tomorrow. I imagine her responses. I plan my attack including going to the Superintendent of schools. I wait all morning. When Partner wakes, I tell her my plan.

We are doing our part. Why aren't they doing theirs? Why isn't Butterfly allowed to use her feely box at school? Why doesn't she have the twirly seat she had been promised? Where are the breaks Butterfly is supposed to have worked into the day- a time for her to refocus? Just what exactly is the school doing to help Butterfly be successful?! I have finally crossed to the other side. I am pissed at the school instead of thoughtfully considering their view. Partner says "welcome. i have been pissed a long time."

Butterfly and I head off to school.

Island of Escape

We always know that holidays or breaks from school can result in challenges on return. That's why I was so surprised to hear Butterfly Girl had an exceptional day on Monday after our brief hiatus. She did great on the first half of our visit to the grandparents- the second half was more challenging. We were all glad to be home. We had been so worried to send her to school Monday- I was truly thrilled to hear about her day. Sometimes I begin to wonder if this is all just in my head. I feel light. I feel hopeful.

Maybe one thing that has helped...Before we left for vacation, we created a whole art area for Butterfly in the common area of our home. One of the many professionals that we have talked to had recommended it a while back- a place just for Butterfly where we can redirect her or, if lucky, head off any unfortunate incidents prior to happening. So, we now have an island of escape smack dab in the middle of our living area. And it has worked wonders. The other day Butterfly sat for five hours straight at her Island- coloring, drawing, working with clay. I had to peel her away for supper. She is always there- sitting in her red chair, head bent forward, working diligently and then proudly showing off her work. She has created such an abundance of "masterpieces" that we have made the area above her desk into an "art gallery". The pictures and sculptures stay up for one week and then she picks through all her pieces and chooses new ones to display.

The Island has helped our mornings too. Butterfly said she needs to draw a picture every morning to help her have a good day. Now, instead of mornings fighting with brother or running around, she gets dressed and heads to her island to create. It is better money spent than any therapist.

Most of the time I think Butterfly's art is like that of most other 5 yr olds. The exceptional thing is the amount of time she can focus on it. Every once in a while she will do a piece that is truly remarkable for a five year old. Butterfly has actually had me working on my art skills. She will ask me to draw something for her- I did have to work with here on her critiqueing. I fshe didn't like my picture, she would tear it up or start yelling. It was a little harsh. But, now she just giggles if my princesss' arm ends up looking like a mangled tree limb. She will tell me to do better next time. Art is fun. I love to see Butterfly Girl happy.

Perfect

Late yesterday Butterfly Girl hurts Brother. She grabs his cheek and pinches. It has been a long time since Butterfly hurt Brother. I think she is feeling pressure- too much pressure about school.

She often asks now if she is going to have to leave Teacher's class. I don't know what to say. Yes, if you continue to hurt friends at school. or No, we are working hard together. Don't worry. Please don't worry your little head over it. But what happens if she does get kicked out- she will lose all trust in me. I don't know what to say anymore.

We were a little late on Friday morning drop off. The second bell had just rung when we walked in the door. It is always very tricky timing. If we are too late, it is hard for Butterfly to assimilate in to the group. If we are too early, Butterfly will get rambunctious with the other kids. Running, chasing...

The other parents stand around talking and laughing at their kids antics. All I hear or see is Butterfly. It takes complete focus to notice the tiny shift towards over stimulation I know when she is on the line - about ready to cross over, lose control of her body. I hear myself telling her over and over- settle down please. let's not chase right now. let's use our quiet voice. Butterfly is doing nothing different than the other kids. I tell myself to relax. Stop nagging. I pray the door opens soon- before something happens. I always feel lots of pressure in the morning...lots of tension. I imagine she does too.

On Friday morning, all the kids were already sitting on the rug. Butterfly runs in and gets her place on the rug. I put her backpack away. I stand off to the side trying to catch her eye. She is staring off in to space. I can't catch her eye to blow a kiss. Finally, I choose to leave. Just as I round the corner, I hear her yelling for me- Wait! I love you! I want a hug!

I quickly run back around the corner but she has already been pulled back inside by the aide. I peek through the window. She is on the rug, in a ball, covering her head. I think she is crying. One of her friends notices me through the window and tries to get Butterfly to look up. She doesn't. I wait a little longer until I hear Teacher snap at the friend- just leave her alone! I slowly turn to leave.

That night, before bed, I tell her I am sorry. She lashes out and runs under the kitchen chair, curling into a ball, covering her head. Go away! I don't like you! I sit on the floor. I say I am sorry. I just sit quietly. Scared to reach out to my own Butterfly Girl. I try to give her space when all I want to do is scoop her up and hold her.

Eventually, she talks. why didn't you come and get me?! I needed a hug! I needed you! I tell her maybe I made the wrong choice. I am sorry. She is always in my heart. She slowly crawls out from under the chair. Still keeping her distance from me. Her eyes are wet with tears. She is looking deep inside me. We make a pact, a very solemn promise, to always have a clear good bye, complete with a hug.

She finally crawls into my lap. I hold her so tightly. I wish that I could be perfect for her.

Apologize

Friday. Another rough day on the Yard. It dawns on me that maybe Butterfly Girl was playing Princess Prisoner because the Yard feels like a prison. The whole school feels like that to me now. Butterfly did not tell Partner about what happened Friday at school. We found out from Teacher instead.

This time Teacher saw the whole thing. Butterfly accidentally bumped into a boy in class. He turned around and punched her hard. She pushed him. He hit her again before Teacher could break it up. Both kids went to see Principle.

Principle wanted them both to apologize. Butterfly was crying because she was hurt (and I imagine scared). The boy apologizes. Butterfly refuses. She says she is hurt. Principle insists she apologize. Butterfly refuses. She is left in the conference room alone. Eventually, Principle lets her return to class. Teacher let's her draw in the corner until my partner arrives for end of day pick up. Does anyone remember that she is only 5 years old??!!

Teacher warns us that the boy's dad will probably approach us- angry about what happened. Apparently, he has been notorious for confronting other parents. I am so tired of all of this. I could really care less what the crazy man says or does to me. I just pray it isn't in front of Butterfly on Monday morning.

PRISONER

It has been a long week. Thursday afternoon. School recess. On the yard. Butterfly Girl runs wildly through the playground. She is laughing. She is engaging with another little girl. They are playing Princess Prisoner. Laughing. Chasing. And then Capture. The other little girl is the prisoner and Butterfly holds her captive by leading her around the playground by her arm.

Principle has been watching Butterfly very closely since the big Meeting. She quickly jumps in, pulling both girls into the Office for a firm lecture. At pick up, Teacher says nothing to my partner about the incident. On the walk home, Butterfly tells Partner she was sent to Principle's office. She had to sit in the conference room by herself.

Partner calls Principle. Principle is very bitchy. Principle describes what she observed, pushing the word "prisoner" out of her mouth like it is diseased... the sound of the word heavy with accusation- what the hell do you teach your kid? Questions from Partner. No, Butterfly and friend were playing. No, no one was hurt. Principle did not find their game acceptable. Principle made a judgment call.

Principle wants us to know that she is now documenting everything. She started with this instance. It feels like she does not want Butterfly Girl at her school. I am having a harder and harder time telling myself Principle is on my side. Partner already hates her. I must be the balance. I must continue to attend the PTA meetings. I must continue to write grants for the school. I must continue to smile at Principle, Teacher, the other mothers. I don't feel like it anymore though.

School has moved to a dark place. I remember how thrilling it was the first few weeks. A community. A place where we all had something in common- kindergartners.

ok, ok already

We survived the big meeting at School. We sat around one of those liitle tables with small chairs with Teacher, the principle, the school psychologist, the resource specialist, the counselor and an intern. My partner and I came away with two very different perspectives of the meeting. I always see the glass half full. Partner always sees it half empty. That is probably why we make a good team.

I was happy that so many people wanted to be involved in helping Butterfly Girl be successful. Partner felt like they were all saying negative things about Butterfly Girl. Principle did say more than once that Butterfly Girl will be suspended next time she hurts someone. The first time she said it, I said I understood. The sixth time she said it, I thought ok, ok, I got it. And, that is when my Partner, through tears, said Butterfly Girl was already being labeled. We have observed firsthand more than once another student spitting on Butterfly Girl. She spits back. The other student runs and tells Teacher who then yells at Butterfly Girl. Let's remember that these are 5 year olds we are talking about.

Psychologist does not want to give her an assessment because Butterfly Girls behavior does not seem to be impacting her learning. She is very bright and can stay focused on the lessons. We came up with several ideas. One, a counselor will pick up Butterfly Girl after recess to walk her back to class- always a difficult time for her- that transition from no structure to structure. Butterfly Girl will also start group with other kids that have social, emotional challenges. It is called a Friendship Group. That will start in January. We will also see if the counselor can meet with her more often- 2x week. Teacher agreed to help Butterfly Girl by scheduling frequent breaks from activities where Butterfly can go to a different area of the class rooom and color. We will also create a box of feey things - one at home and one at school. When Butterfly feels the urge to go touch a classmate, she will be redirected to the box.

I told them that Butterfly said she feels lonely and sad at school. Teacher said that classmates are saying they don't want to sit next to Butterfly or be in her group. Teacher said she trys not to single her out in class but the other students already "know" that Butterfly is different. It breaks my heart.

We will meet again in February to assess progress. Half days for Butterfly are still in the bucket of possibilites. Principle reminded us one more time at closing the Butterfly will have to be suspended if she hurts anyone again. Ok, ok already.

Skirts and Shorts

Last night I reminded Butterfly Girl that today was School. It was not met with enthusiasm like it was the first two weeks of School. Instead a big groan and pleading to stay home. When I asked her why she didn't want to go, she said the other kids made fun of her and teased her. She had no friends. I remember that feeling too. Butterfly Girl said the kids tease her because she always wears dresses and never shirts and skirts. I told her it is okay to be different and reminded her of the book we read of the same title. Kids can be so mean.

This morning she chose to wear a skirt and shirt. She had the best day ever at school. She told me through a sheepish grin that she even got to choose from the prize bucket at the end of the day. I never even knew there was a prize bucket. When I asked Butterfly Girl how that had made her feel she said "not so good." I couldn't believe it. She said she didn't "much like working so hard to follow the rules". It was my turn to smile. That's my Butterfly Girl. But she has clung to the tiny toy all night, even in the bathtub. I think somewhere inside herself, she is pretty proud of her accomplishment.

Tomorrow is the Big Day. We have our meeting at school for the the SST. I still haven't filled out the required paperwork- not sure I want to commit ink to paper. I am scared I will make a mistake, something I can't change and that will somehow lead her down a path in the System that I am supposed to have the insight and forethought to avoid. I am hoping sometime before the meeting I will have a clear head and I will be provided with the "right" way to present my little girl... to narrow down five years into check boxes and short narratives.

Warrior

We had our meeting with Ms. L. She is a very nice woman, super tall and very skinny. She was good at joking around with Butterfly Girl. She gave us a "tour" of the system. I now know that the SST meeting we have planned for next week is the first step towards special ed. Teacher seemed to have forgotten to mention that to us.

But Ms. L said we should move forward- she cautioned us about the system though. The system will make you feel like they know best, that they will be the one making decisions for Butterfly Girl. Remember, she tells us, you are the only one that can make decisions for Butterfly.

She also says the system is linear. We need to be careful what we share with the administrators, teachers and others. We need to remember they are only thinking about the classroom and how behavior impacts learning. It would be easier if I could pour my heart out and have the "Student Success Team" working for Butterfly's best interest. Apparently, that is not how the system works.

I ask Ms. L about special ed classes, in case the system tries to push Butterfly in that direction. Again, she cautions us. Most special ed classes are not as academically challenging. Butterfly actually excels in her academics and has been noted to need more advanced challenges. Don't let her get tossed into a class where she sits and rots, she tells us.

This meeting has made me feel like a warrior. We must move forward with caution and yet fierce protectiveness. We must plan what we say and how we say it. We must analyze every course of action the system recommends and come back with a counter plan. The system might help but only if we form it, shape it and mold it to fit Butterfly Girl. And Butterfly Girl is one of a kind, always morphing. There will be no quick fix.

Therapy Shmerapy

Today we have an appointment with a therapist. Ms. L came through a friend that I have told a little bit about Butterfly Girl. Ms. L is doing this first meeting for free. We don't have money to pay for fancy pants therapist that charge $150 hour. Although, we did pay for one once anyway.

We went to this therapist- the first session was ok. Just my partner and me. We talked about Butterfly Girl. Therapist said nothing particularly enlightening or insightful, but she also didn't throw any red flags. We returned the next week with Butterfly Girl. In a very small room the four of us sat, our knees almost touching. Therapist got out small plastic people and scattered them on the floor. She instructed Butterfly to use the dolls to play out the teasing she was getting on the playground. Butterfly Girl was more interested in the cool toys behind Therapist that she was not allowed to touch. When it was fianlly time to leave (a therapist hour later), Butterfly defiantly grabbed a toy off the shelf and gripped it in her little hand. I felt like laughing, wildly and uncontrollably. I wanted to grab one of the damn toys too and run off down the hall with Butterfly Girl. We never went back but we are stll paying $20 month on the bill.


Right now we are working "in the system". Butterfly Girl sees an intern at the school once a week for free. Intern seems okay and, although she looks 12 years old, she assures us she is completing her masters degree. She doesn't ahve kids. The School Psychologist won't see Butterfly until she has a "diagnosis". If it is not the School Psycholgist, we are not sure who is supposed to "diagnose" her. I will be sure to ask Psychologist at the SST meeting next week.

So, we are very excited to have an opportunity with Ms. L this afternoon. She has over 15 years of experience working with "kids like Butterfly Girl." I cling to those words- part of it making me pissed off but part of me desperatly wanting to believe there is someone that can look at my child and tell me that it is "really quite obvious...this is what is going on...and this is what you need to do". Once again, I place everything that means something to me in the hands of some stranger. And I haven't even seen her yet.

I have a dream some nights. I am at a playground. It is full of kids "like Butterfly Girl". Some are twirling, some are yelling, some are counting, some are coloring, some are running, some are quiet. I am sitting with other parents. I am totally relaxed. Nothing our kids are doing seems out of place. We are laughing as we share stories of melt downs in stores and the kid's latest "behaviour" that has us at wits ends. I often wake up crying. Not because I am sad. I am relieved. For a moment, if only in a dream, I have others who understand. I can see Butterfly Girl finally free. I willl find that place. I will find that place.

The Playground in the Morning

Today Teacher gave us paperwork to fill out. We will meet next week for a SST (Student Success Team Meeting). Of course, I am trying to be open minded but I already feel a shift in Teacher. I can tell she is frustrated- no longer my answer to all our questions. I feel like she is even more than frustrated- fed up fits better. I feel like the other moms in class are looking at us differently. Being more stand offish.

It has happened at every school. Butterfly Girl has been to 5 in just 5 short years. I always second guess myself. Try to tell myself that I am just reading into it. I imagine that it must be me- I have started to give off a different vibe to Teacher and the other mothers. But I don't think I am imagining it. Butterfly Girl has stopped getting invites for play dates. The mother's stop talking when I walk up. I keep my head high. I don't care- I won't care. I love my kid.

In the yard before the school door opens, I find that Butterfly Girl and I are are alone together, off to the side not talking to anyone. I don't want her to feel like I do so I smile and say hello to everyone - I try to demonstrate how being friendly will overcome any meanness. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for me either. Mothers still avoid me. I am remembering from days long past that a playground can feel so lonely.

But Butterfly Girl and I will persevere. We will find a place somewhere, someday where we are not different. Until that day, we will hold our heads up and walk through the playground together.

Wake UP

This morning, like most mornings, my stomach was in knots as I sat on the edge of the bed preparing to wake Butterfly Girl. The whole day usually revolves on how the wake up goes. There is pressure to make it a good wake up because she needs to have a good day at school.

Last week Teacher told us that we might have to begin picking her up before recess. She would not be allowed to stay for the afternoon. Only Butterfly Girl would go home early. All the rest of her classmates would stay. The words from the teacher were falling like a waterfall over me..disruptive, loud, uncontrollable, fidgety, requires extra attention... I try to find a balance- not defensive, open, understanding of the teacher and yet a passionate advocate for my little one. It is too much to hold together for long so I end the conversation as soon as I hear Teacher say she can try again this week but it must be good.

I haven't realized the pressure until recently. The constant agonizing over how the play date will go, how time with brother will go, how school will go, how dinner out will go, how the visit from family will go, how the playground will go, how the friend's birthday party will go...I never fully realized until recently. But this morning, I am fully aware. She is so beautiful and peaceful sleeping - I hate to wake her. I feel like sleep is a refuge for her- a place where everything quiets down. I gently call her name and begin to wake her. First I pull the covers off- met with groans. Then I softly start talking about school- I am met by the fierce look, sticking tongue out, teeth grinding-- so angry. Her little body actually shaking as she grips hands into fists. I have to make a move to turn it around quick- should I be firm or funny today - there is no pattern as to what what will work. I opt for a tickle. Today, the tickle lights her eyes up and from deep comes a belly laugh. We both laugh. We are going to be okay this morning. I am thankful for that.

The Beginning

I think I knew early on that Butterfly Girl was different. I am embraced it savagely, defiantly. My daugther was special. Now, Butterfly Girl is five years old. This blog will serve as a record of our journey into the unknown. Some call it mental illness. Others attribute it parenting mistakes. And still others call it childhood rebellion. I call it a journey into being. With all the love a parent can have for their child, let the journey begin.