Perfect

Late yesterday Butterfly Girl hurts Brother. She grabs his cheek and pinches. It has been a long time since Butterfly hurt Brother. I think she is feeling pressure- too much pressure about school.

She often asks now if she is going to have to leave Teacher's class. I don't know what to say. Yes, if you continue to hurt friends at school. or No, we are working hard together. Don't worry. Please don't worry your little head over it. But what happens if she does get kicked out- she will lose all trust in me. I don't know what to say anymore.

We were a little late on Friday morning drop off. The second bell had just rung when we walked in the door. It is always very tricky timing. If we are too late, it is hard for Butterfly to assimilate in to the group. If we are too early, Butterfly will get rambunctious with the other kids. Running, chasing...

The other parents stand around talking and laughing at their kids antics. All I hear or see is Butterfly. It takes complete focus to notice the tiny shift towards over stimulation I know when she is on the line - about ready to cross over, lose control of her body. I hear myself telling her over and over- settle down please. let's not chase right now. let's use our quiet voice. Butterfly is doing nothing different than the other kids. I tell myself to relax. Stop nagging. I pray the door opens soon- before something happens. I always feel lots of pressure in the morning...lots of tension. I imagine she does too.

On Friday morning, all the kids were already sitting on the rug. Butterfly runs in and gets her place on the rug. I put her backpack away. I stand off to the side trying to catch her eye. She is staring off in to space. I can't catch her eye to blow a kiss. Finally, I choose to leave. Just as I round the corner, I hear her yelling for me- Wait! I love you! I want a hug!

I quickly run back around the corner but she has already been pulled back inside by the aide. I peek through the window. She is on the rug, in a ball, covering her head. I think she is crying. One of her friends notices me through the window and tries to get Butterfly to look up. She doesn't. I wait a little longer until I hear Teacher snap at the friend- just leave her alone! I slowly turn to leave.

That night, before bed, I tell her I am sorry. She lashes out and runs under the kitchen chair, curling into a ball, covering her head. Go away! I don't like you! I sit on the floor. I say I am sorry. I just sit quietly. Scared to reach out to my own Butterfly Girl. I try to give her space when all I want to do is scoop her up and hold her.

Eventually, she talks. why didn't you come and get me?! I needed a hug! I needed you! I tell her maybe I made the wrong choice. I am sorry. She is always in my heart. She slowly crawls out from under the chair. Still keeping her distance from me. Her eyes are wet with tears. She is looking deep inside me. We make a pact, a very solemn promise, to always have a clear good bye, complete with a hug.

She finally crawls into my lap. I hold her so tightly. I wish that I could be perfect for her.