We did it!

We did it. We found Peter and Ava. We moved to our new home. We unpacked everything. We settled in!

Finding Peter and Ava was some something short of a miracle. We feel so lucky. Butterfly loves her new home. She hasn't even asked about the other house. She has enjoyed long scooter rides in her neighborhood. She loves to play in the backyard. She gets to choose which bathtub to bathe in. She spends time in the playroom building train tracks for Brother and working at her art table. She loves that she doesn't have to get on the freeway to get to school any more and appreciates the shorter drive too. The transition went smoothly- much better than we had hoped.

Yesterday at school she stated that she felt good because she was "going to be nice today." She had started off the day great- getting ready for school and being kind to Brother. Last night se told me that some of the kids had told her they still would not be her friends because she "used to be mean." She was very hurt. I asked her why they might have said that or why they might still be concerned. She said because they are worried she might still be mean. She said she was sad. I hope that today she tries to be "nice" again and does not give up. I worry that she does not get as much attention when she is "good" and that she reverts quickly to old behaviors.  We will see how it goes today....

The School voted on pursuing the charter extension or pursuing the new charter. The outcome- pursue the new charter. That means no more School as we know it next year. We hope that the new charter will be approved and that the community will continue to stay together. Of course, it will have to be a lottery which means she might not get in event if the new charter passes. If it does not pass, we are leaning towards home schooling her next year while we figure out what to do. I am not sure when we find out about the new charter... we try to remain hopeful.

Losing Peter

The MOVE is almost over thanks to my parents helping out. We were so happy to be in our new home tonight with everything finally here and although we still have some unpacking to do it really feels like home. Unfortunately, our dogs got out of the yard today - we still don't know how they escaped. Several hours of looking around the neighborhood turned up nothing. I finally got a call from a man who had found Ava but no sign of Peter. Ava is safely home again. 

Butterfly is very sad. She told me she is worried about Peter. I am too. Partner is beyond upset. I really don't know what to do. If I think of the things that could happen to Peter it is overwhelming. I just keep telling myself and Butterfly that someone has him in their home tonight. He has eaten a big dinner and is now snuggled up sleeping.

It is hard to manage the range of emotion we feel right now butwe are still happy to be at the new house. The kids have actually adjusted extremely well. Butterfly tells me often that she loves her new house. Brother says he "loves the neighborhood." Losing Peter is not what any of us need right now- we are so worried about him. It is so horrible. I have to imagine him safe.

Rough Days

TH past few days have been rough. Butterfly Girl has been acting so defiant and disrespectful. Not that I need her to be 100% compliant but everything is met with an argument, question or down right rudeness. I think Partner and I go threw waves of patience and then waves of frustration. Fortunately, the waves seem to happen at different times and one of us always is riding the patient wave.

Last night it was getting late and Butterfly kept stalling- not wanting to go to bed.  She began to throw a huge tantrum, screaming that she hates me and that I am stupid. Then she kicked me, hit me and scratched me. But through it all, I remained calm and eventually got her into her bed. I thought "wow, I did it!" But then it started again. She told me to get out and she only wanted mommy. She got out of bed and ran to Partner, refusing to let go, screaming loud enough to wake the neighbors in a four block radius. I was still focused and in the moment...not taking any of it personal... trying to talk through it.  Then she came over to me, balled up her little fist and punched me square on the nose. It really hurt. My NVC went out the window. I yelled "do not punch me in the face!" and walked away. Of course, that sent her completely over the edge. 

I felt bad for yelling. Sometimes when she begins to get physical I really don't know what to do. I can only negotiate with her for so long while she hits, scratches, spits, bites and kicks.  The yelling I can deal with but the other - I am at a complete loss.  One it hurts. Two, I can't just walk away because I am scared she will hurt herself. If I try to physically hold her, it almost always makes it worse. But it seems like, in those moments, she needs someone more than ever but her little body just won't let her get close or ask for help. I can see in her eyes that she knows it has escalated too far but she is liked a caged wild animal. She gets terrified and works herself into a frenzied state where she sometimes begins to hyperventilate. her mind starts working into a frenzy too. 

Last night she completely lost focus of where this had all started---it started over not wanting to go to bed. She was screaming she was scared of me and that I was always mean and never let her be in charge. In the beginning of the tantrum, I had calmly tried to remind her that it was my job to help set limits that were healthy for her including getting her to bed so she can get enough sleep. But by the end of the tantrum, after she punched me, it was like she had completely forgotten that this had all started because of not wanting to go to bed. It was all about me being a horrible, scary parent. And she said she wished she had never been born.  It always breaks my heart when she says that. It is so horrible. I so much wanted to just hold her but she wasn't ready even after we both calmed down. Of course, I apologized for yelling.  She hid under her pillow, holding Partner and she would not look at me. If I could take it all back I would. 

Sometimes I just don't know if she understands that it is never okay to hit or use your body to hurt someone. I feel like she just doesn't take it seriously - sometimes this no consequences method is really challenging. I was frustrated from being kicked, scratched and hit but was still trying to stay with her in the moment and work through it.  I was shocked when she punched me after I had been trying so hard to remain grounded and patient through the huge tantrum. 

It has been escalating for a few days now and we couldn't seem to get through to her the past few days. She has been so defiant and rude. Maybe it has to do with the emotions around moving. However, I think it mainly has to do with NVC.  She is encouraged to say what she needs. She does not have to "share" anything just to be polite. She does not even have to be polite - at least not just for the sake of being polite. She does not get consequences any more (or we try our best not to give her consequences).  She is encouraged to offer different solutions, plans, etc. to whatever we propose- and we listen to it and take it seriously.  All that is a big shift for all of us. And, she has not yet found a way (most of the time) to balance her needs with the needs of others. It is all about her. The obnoxious stage is what Rosenberg calls it. 

All that said, these tantrums are much less frequent. The "attitude" is pretty much on all the time but not the physical outbursts. We just have to keep the patience and see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will get through.  I just pray for a little extra patience. And it always helps me if I can find some humor in it.  

It helps that she has her wonderful school to balance it. The other evening we were talking about the people we love. She said, "You know who I love? Traci (that is one of her teachers).  I love her like a mom."  Still doesn't look good for the school. There is a big meeting this evening. The school council is recommending that we stop pursuing the charter extension (which means no more school) and focus our energies in getting a charter for a new (somewhat different) school passed. We vote on it tomorrow. I think I will listen to the wisdom of the people that have been so involved in this process and vote accordingly. But I am so sad to lose this school.  And I am disgusted that the school system cannot recognize the value of a learning environment that fosters emotional intelligence and community values. I hate the cookie cutter approach. I am appalled that our elected officials, school board members and others are so blinded by politics and bureaucracy. There is much to be done in this world.

Moving

We have to move. We are excited about it. Butterfly seems to be excited too. But of course there are a range of emotions that go with moving. Yesterday she had a rough day at school. After phone calls from the Teacher, Partner went to hang out at school with Butterfly. That made the rest of day go smoothly.

When I got home that night, I asked Butterfly why she thought she had a hard time at school (and reminded her that she was not in trouble). I asked her is she was having a lot of feelings about the move. Very matter of fact, she said "Yup. I am." And then she was off playing again. I think we will be able to help her transition through this move much easier now that we have this new way of communicating. I still think it will be rough. Brother also seems to be having some difficulties. Butterfly knows what moving is- she has done it several times. Brother - not so much. 

Fortunately, we are very close to our current house. We have explained that she will stay in the same school, visit with the same friends, go to the same playgrounds... She seems to trust that will happen. We have visited the new house several times with them too. Butterfly is excited that there are sidewalks where she can ride her scooter. She also pointed out to me that we are very close to Airport Park (we are in the flight path). She loves that playground.

Yesterday morning when Partner was packing some boxes she stood looking around the room. Partner asked her what she was thinking and she said "Just checking to make sure all my stuff is still here".  I think after a week or two in the new house it will really hit and then we might have some issues. At one point she told me she would miss her bed and toys. I reminded her that everything is coming with us. So then she told me that she will miss the blue ceiling fan. Well, we can't bring that. I told her that I have some things I will miss too. It is okay to be sad. But I am also excited about the things at the new house- like a fireplace where we can roast marshmallows and a yard where we can camp out. She said she will like that too.

Thinking of Back-Up Plans

There is some change that is so subtle that is happening with Butterfly Girl. besides the great success at school and significant behavior changes I am noticing something more subtle. It is almost a different energy. I hear her say okay more often. I notice that when things start to erupt I can still get through to her - I can help her stay grounded. She is able to "come back" and talk through it. She is so much more relaxed and patient. Don't get me wrong- she is still Butterfly Girl with all her defiance and sensitivity wrapped in to one little bundle- it just seems maybe the bundle isn't wrapped so tightly now. 

I am so worried about the school. I really can't figure out what we will do. Tonight we are going (hopefully) to a party with some of the parents from the school. They are going to have a fire and a  drumming circle- try to raise some good energy for the school. Part of me just doesn't want to think about it at all. The other part says I need to be realistic and imagine the worst case scenario happened so we can create a back up plan for our little Butterfly Girl. it is completely overwhelming and consuming when I do think about it. I can't bear telling this little girl that she has to move schools again. I feel like that will be such a let down for her. A violation of her trust in us. If the school closes, I have to hope that she has gained enough of a foundation to be able to hold onto what she has learned. It pains me so much. 

There is no way we will send her back to a regular school. I don't know where else we could send her though. Maybe home school... I am wondering if some of the other families might choose homeschooling- we could all still meet for playdates, field trips, learning groups, etc... Some of the parents are just checking with their local schools and that just isn't an option for Butterfly. I have to believe that the best thing will work out for us. In the meantime, we have to fight for it. 

We still have not said anything to Butterfly about it- we won't until summer when we have a plan. I just can't imagine what that will do to her. I feel like it is our fault somehow- we should have been more thoughtful or protective...planned better. Would we have gone to this school if we knew the charter was going to be pulled? We did know it was a possibility. But, when I look back I still have to say yes, we would have moved to this school. We could not stay at her old school. We were at the end of the line there. I guess no matter what happens, this has introduced us to a wonderful community, to NVC and to humanistic approach to education. And that has been extremely valuable.

The other day we got a call from School to come pick up Butterfly. She had bitten someone (that is a new one) and was having a very hard time. Teacher told her that she was going to have go home because biting was not okay, etc... Butterfly did not want to leave school and was scratching a spiting. Partner headed out to pick her up. However, on the way, Teacher called and said don't come- something amazing is happening. Apparently, Butterfly and one of the little girls she had gotten into it with were sitting down and talking through it. 

Butterfly told the girl that she had been crying the night before because the little girl was not nice to her and gave her mean looks and did not include her. Then the other little girl shared that she did not like it when Butterfly made noises (sometimes Butterfly will make noises that can be very disrupting). They went on talking and ended up making an agreement with each other. Butterfly asked her to tell her when she was making noises that bothered the little girl and she would stop. Then they started talking about their families- the little girl shared that she used to have a mom and dad but that her dad now lived in another house and that was hard. Butterfly shared that she had two moms and a little brother. 

They continued talking and playing together for the rest of the afternoon. It was a huge turning point for Butterfly that both helped her see how to work through things with words and also how to listen to someone else's needs and I think it also made her feel more accepted. It was so wonderful- she seemed so relaxed and at ease later that evening. I know it meant so much to her- I think she might have even been a little proud of herself. This school is amazing.

We are very concerned about the School. I don't think it looks good. It is really just too overwhelming to spend much time thinking about it. I really have no idea what we will do if it closes. 

Butterfly was so present tonight. She played with Brother and they got along great for the most part. At one point they became upset but when I asked Butterfly to explain what she needed to Bother it eventually cleared up....they worked it out themselves.  And later, I asked her how her day was and she said "I had fun at school. Sooo much fun!" This morning she had a dentist appointment. She actually asked if she was missing school because she wanted to be there. I can't imagine having to tell that little girl again that she has to change schools. And I don't know where we will find a school that is able to compare. I will never send her back into the regular system.  I don't know what we will do.

Charter Extension Meeting

This afternoon we meet to discuss the charter at Butterfly's school. I am interested to see how well organized it is, who we have on our team, etc. I can't believe this is happening. I have been talking to all my contacts- a few people know folks on the Board of Ed or in the Superintendents office. We have to keep this school.

Another Twist

Butterfly Girl's re-entrance meeting after her Reflection Day was a great experience- both for Butterfly and Partner. They arrived a few minutes before the meeting so Partner could speak with Principal. Turns out, he was running late, so the meeting was with one of her Teachers and the Communication Specialist.  Partner started in by letting them know what kind of experience Butterfly had in the past. They quickly understood what she was saying and to help decrease the power dynamics, they suggested everyone sit on the floor so they were all on the same level. Apparently, Butterfly remained in the rocking chair for a few minutes but then joined them on the floor without coercion.

They talked about the Reflection Day and about her agreement. Butterfly participated (which is incredible on its own!) by sharing which teacher she felt safest with and would approach first if she felt like she was beginning to have a hard time controlling her body. She also identified another teacher to approach if the first one was not available. She asked that the school call her Mom when she started to feel that way.   The meeting wasn't long but it was such a significant turning point for Butterfly. She did not feel like she was in trouble. She felt like people were there to help her and that they cared about what she needed in those moments. I think Butterfly took a little leap of faith and decided to trust the people in the room. That has to be healing for her. She has held on to so much distrust and anger from the other school(s).  

I am not expecting a miracle- I am hoping that she will remember her agreement when she begins to feel out of synch with her body - but, most importantly, I know her Teachers will remember. And they will be there to help her through the next moment by reminding Butterfly of her agreement. Over time, Butterfly will begin to trust more knowing that she is safe there. I believe that will allow her to begin to ask for help before things escalate. And that is a lesson she can carry with her for the rest of her life. 

Butterfly went on to have a great day at school. An older friend invited Butterfly to come to her classroom in the afternoon. The kids can go visit other classrooms during the day if they are invited by a student in the class and the Teacher says okay. Butterfly was ecstatic when she told me about it that evening. I was too.  I was glad she had a friend that wanted to spend time with her.  I know how much that means to Butterfly. Slowly, it is all coming together. I am so grateful for this school.

So, it was heartbreaking to find out that afternoon that our school might lose it's charter next year. That means no more wonderful school. We just can't believe it. It is always something. However, I am reminded that things always work out for us - even when we think we are at a complete dead end. We will fight for the school.  I have written letters to all the members of the Board of Education. I will attend a meeting Tuesday afternoon.  I will talk to my representatives. We will not let them take away our school. Partner and I have already decided we will not send Butterfly back into a standard classroom.  That means we cannot let our school go away. It has saved Butterfly from a life of psychiatric diagnosis, special ed, medications and whatever else. We do not know of any other schools that offer this kind of educational approach (humanistic) along with NVC in our area. We have to keep our school. I am ready for a good fight.

Reflection Day

Yesterday, Butterfly Girl was sent home from school for a Reflection Day. She was cycling really high- unable to control her body. She scratched a teacher, threw some dominoes and a few other things. She was also acting super silly. It is like on the inside she is cycling so fast she can't focus on any one thing- she giggles, throws her body around, makes noises. Sometimes when she gets like that I just want to hold her tight to keep her from hurting herself or someone else.

So, we got the call from Teacher to come get her. She explained that because there was so much physical stuff happening she thought it best if Butterfly leave for a reflection day to assure the safety of the other students. When Partner was leaving with Butterfly, Teacher told Butterfly that she was not mad at her. I think this is key for Butterfly. On the way home, Partner told Butterfly that she was not in trouble or  mad at her either. When she walked in the door, I told her I wasn't mad at her either. This is a much different way than we have handle it in the past- often reacting with anger, frustration, handing out consequences, etc. - this is something new we have learned at this school.

I asked her if she knew why she had been sent home but she was still too out of synch to respond much. I told her that the school needs to keep everyone safe including her and the other kids. She was given a Reflection Day so we could talk about what happened and make an agreement about what to do next time she feels this way. 

Partner had been given a piece of paper to fill out with Butterfly  and then bring back to school toady. They will meet with the Principal to review the plan that Butterfly has worked out. Later, when Butterfly had slowed down a little, I showed Butterfly the paper and talked about going to see the Principal in the morning. She immediately acted out- trying to grab the paper, calling it stupid, yelling no!   From the previous interactions with Principals and just school in general, Butterfly is extremely anxious whenever she "gets in trouble."  We have to change that way of thinking here- to let her know that she is not "in trouble" but that it is important for everyone to be safe at school. To remind her that we want to work with her to help be sure that happens. 

After some time, Partner got her to sit and talk through the questions and create an agreement to be shared with Principal this morning- I imagine wake-up time will be very difficult today when she remembers she needs to talk with the Principal. Partner is going to try to slip into his office before the meeting to make sure he is aware of her past experiences with Principals, getting "in trouble", etc. How this is handled today could be a major turning point for Butterfly. 

Late yesterday, Butterfly and I were running an errand. I asked her if there was anything different about how things happened at this school on rough days versus her old school. From the back seat, she exclaimed "Yes!" I asked how is it different? She responded, without hesitation, "They were all nice. They wanted to help. That made me feel good."  And, of course, that made me feel good.

Butterfly in Five

I think I have identified the stage of developing emotional responsibility that Butterfly Girl appears to be deeply immersed in. Emotional responsibility refers to accepting full responsibility of our own feelings but not the feeling of others while remaining empathetic and aware of the other persons emotions and needs.

In his book on Non Violent Communication, Dr. Rosenburg describes three stages that most people go through when learning to be emotionally responsible- 1. "emotional slavery"- believing we are responsible for other people's feelings,  2) "the obnoxious stage"- where we do not admit to caring what anyone else needs or wants and,  3) "emotional liberation"  where we accept full responsibility for own feelings but not others feelings while recognizing that our needs can never be met at the expense of others. 

All that said- I believe we have entered stage 2 - the obnoxious stage! Dr. Rosenburg talks about his own daughter entering this stage.  He had been talking with her about the fact that her needs were important and valuable and not to sacrifice expressing them to "make someone happy". This is particularly important for girls growing up in our society because historically girls are taught to put their needs last and to be the "caretakers". At any rate, he got a call from his daughter school. She had worn overalls to school and the Principal told her that was inappropriate clothing for a young girl to which she replied "Fuck off!"  Dr. Rosenberg talked about how excited he was to get that call. His daughter had finally entered the obnoxious stage! She was willing to express herself despite the fact the other person might become angry. Of course, he also knew it was time to begin helping his daughter move through to the next stage.

At any rate, I am finding Butterfly still teeters between stage one and two. But I embrace this movement away from her feeling like she needs to behave or say certain things to make me or someone else happy or proud.  Not to say this isn't a little trying on my patience- it does have a flair of obnoxiousness like when she tells me to stop practicing my mandolin because I am not good at it and I am making her ears hurt. But I see a new Butterfly beginning to emerge - one that will be stronger and self-confident because of her own sense of self--- valuing her needs and being in touch with her emotions. 

I realize what a delicate time this is- I think it is a critical stage that all girls enter at some point. However, many are shut down instead of being encouraged to express their thoughts and needs. They end up gogin back to stage one- often living their whole lives in emotional slavery. Girls are shut down- taught that their job is to "behave" and be polite and think about how everything they do and say impacts the other person. They are taught to monitor their words to accommodate the other person. They are rewarded for playing nicely, for taking care of their dolls, their friends and often their parents.

I want to help usher Butterfly through this stage to a healthy place where she can express her needs while understanding the  real emotional needs behind other peoples words. I do wonder at times what we are "creating" with this new language. These days I can always tell a kid that is somehow connected to NVC community- and although I don't come across them too often  outside of school, I am always on the look-out for these "little Buddhas"- ready to teach me something new in the most unexpected moments.  

The other day at the park I was redirecting Brother who was intent on crossing over a high hanging web apparatus on a jungle gym built for 6 - 11 yr olds. A 10 year old girl spoke up and said, "He can do it- there is a rope to hang onto."  I glanced over at her, a little annoyed and said "No, I don't feel comfortable with him crossing. It is too high" The little girl said "But, won't you be standing right there? You could catch him if he started to fall.  He wants to try it." More than a little annoyed now, I turned to her and said "No. It is not safe and I don't want him to cross."  I thought who is this kid talking to me like she is some kind of an adult?!  What does she know anyway? And then she responded, "Okay, I respect your decision. I wanted to be sure you were thinking about his needs." And then she scrambled down the jungle gym and was off running carefree cross the field.  

Wow. Where did she come from!? I still didn't let Brother cross because it wasn't safe. But, I thought to myself, is that my little Butterfly Girl in 5 years? Confident, well-spoken, not afraid to share her thoughts or opinions with any adult, not afraid to question authority, not a slave to anther person's reaction to her words, free to express herself?  I hope so... and I wished at that moment that I had stopped an engaged with this little kid- I probably could have learned something.