Changes

Well it's been a long time. I have to say that it is because of the shift in Butterfly Girl, in our family and in our support systems. This blog was meant to follow our journey through an uncompromising, unforgiving education and psychiatric system. A system that is difficult to navigate even for two loving , dedicated parents. This blog was meant to capture the emotional  highs and lows of living with a child that faced challenges and struggled in a "normal" environment (I have come to believe it to be more accurate to call it "inflexible").

However, we somehow found the most incredible, wonderful community that has shifted our rigid views of parenthood and childhood, appropriate behavior and priorities.  Not that we were strict and totally overbearing. I think we have always been searching, reading, working on our parenting skills. However, it has always been in the context of our middle class culture where priorities are fitting in, accommodating others, insisting on politeness, following the rules, etc. 

There is much more laughter in our home now. We thought we were somewhat chaotic before- you should see us now! It feels like we have all become kids in some ways. We are more joyful, inquisitive...I spend more time laying on the grass, looking at bugs, chasing, telling scary stories, singing and dancing.

And Butterfly Girl spends more time laughing and playing. She still struggles with things deep inside her- insecurities and fears. She doesn't like to lose. She still has a hard time making friends. She does not like to have limits set for her...and certainly does not like being told "no". 

The other night I went to put her to bed and she got really angry. She was not done playing and was not ready for bed. She threw a huge tantrum...huge. I kept remembering something I had recently read in a book. Just let her have the tantrum. Let her express it. I told her we still needed to go to bed so we went to her room and I laid down in the bed with her. She proceeded to scream, yell and say some very hurtful things. I remembered not to take it personally. Instead, I told her I could see she was having some really big emotions...she was feeling a lot. She still had a 20 minute tantrum but she exhausted herself and finally crawled over to me to snuggle. What was different this time was that she did not hit me. She was still very angry but she refrained from using her body to express it (or at least on me). She hit the bed and the pillows. She kicked the covers. But...she did not hit me. And that is a big change!

Growing Up

It has been so long since I have written. Butterfly is doing very well. She has adjusted with the move. She has settled down since the visitors have slowed. She was happy and playful over Spring break. She has been communicating her feelings and needs- probably does it better than me. I am afraid alot of that went out the window when we were moving. It is hard to be mindful when everything else is happening - and of course, it is the most important time to be mindful.  I'm still learning.

Yesterday I was struck by how much things have changed when she was playing with a boy. These two both have had hard times using words instead of hands, having explosive episodes, etc. We have actually known them a couple years and we have both sen the more challenging moments for each others families. The kids have really hurt each other a few times- so badly that on different occasions we have had to take long breaks from seeing each other. 

But over Spring break, they played together and worked through any incidents that came up. It was really remarkable. Yesterday when her friend left, I told Butterfly that she and her friend had really negotiated and compromised to make their play date go smoothly. And she looked at me and said "Well, what do you expect? That we would hit it each other and yell? We are older now and don't do that anymore." 

That made me laugh. Could it really be that a real change has taken place?  That the length of time between compulsive and aggressive incidents has really stretched so far that it feels almost "normal"? Could it be that Butterfly is finally feeling safe with her own feelings? 

Today, I am just going to take a deep breath and let what changes have happened becoming fully apparent to me. I feel like I  need to stop and catch up on everything that has happened since January when we moved to the new school.  It has changed our lives.  Today, I am going to be thankful for my precious little girl and the changes she is embracing. Butterfly is growing up.