Audience

Yesterday Butterfly had a good day at school. Teacher said she had to help Butterfly work through one issue with another student but that was it. And Teacher said there was nothing to worry about. Partner and I are dreading The Call. We expressed this to Teacher and she said maybe it will be a good call.  Teacher said she likes to do that to throw off the parents sometimes. That sure would be nice.

Partner volunteers at School every Monday and Friday all day. The other days she stays for a few hours in the morning before leaving to take Brother to his school. Today, the kids at the school get to go the the science museum. Partner will be a driver. Butterfly and Brother are very excited. It is wonderful that Partner is able to spend so much time at School. 

Partner's parents are in town this weekend. It will be interesting to have an audience with this new language. I am confident it is not a way of communicating that they will take to easily. Quite honestly, I am hoping there are no big break downs while they are present so I don't have to explain the "no rushing. no apology communication style." We will see what happens.

Live-in Zen Masters

Ahh, the honeymoon. How sweet it was. Butterfly Girl is definitely become more vocal in her dislike, disgust, disappointment, discouragement or any other "dis-".  At times I feel like I am living with an Oscar winner.

It is a struggle to decipher what is a real reaction and what is more for attention. Although, both are very real reactions so maybe I should just stop trying to figure it out. Yesterday, after my retreat like morning writing in my blog and pondering life while everyone slept, I was snapped back to reality with a kick in the face- quite literally.

Butterfly has always had a difficult time waking in the morning although for our honeymoon she seemed to embrace each morning with a smile and hugs. Yesterday, I had the unfortunate experience of startling her by coming around the corner at the same time as her. Butterfly's sensitive self could not process it quick enough and she was thrown into a wild, angry tantrum which included screaming she hates me and kicking me in the face. In hindsight, she was telling me very clearly by both body language and very clear words to leave her alone (!) and I just did not listen. I wanted to fix it. I needed her to know I was sorry. It was an accident. So instead of listening to her needs, I went and sat on her bed which promptly resulted in a kick square to my nose. That was certainly clear.

The tricky thing with this non violent communication (NVC) is that we don't ask our kids to apologize. I wanted an apology. But, instead I told her how I felt and that it was not okay with me. Then I told her I needed space and left the room. I don't know if she heard any of it because she was still screaming "I hate you!"  at me.

Eventually, we found a way to talk about it, get dressed for the day, get breakfast and all that. Butterfly was feeling quite good actually.  She had said what she needed, listened to me  and was moving on with her day.  Another hard thing with NVC is letting go. 

I found I was still mad. I still wanted an apology. I was mad that I couldn't put her in timeout because you don't do that in NVC. I was exhausted and it was only 730 AM. I was depleted and I still had the whole day ahead of me. I was worried that she would now have difficulties at school all day. I was sad for Brother having to wake up to that. I knew Partner did not like to start her morning like that. But most of all, I couldn't let go of how she had ruined everyone's morning and was now dancing around happy, asking me to get her juice, asking me to play... like nothing had happened! 

And then it dawned on me as I watched my little Butterfly bouncing around the house- happy and complete. Brother was happy too - like nothing had happened. She was in the moment - they were in the moment- which is where I needed to be. I needed to let go. I needed to be in the moment- just right there, right then. And when I realized that, everything else faded. And I played. And I hugged. And I was grateful for my two little live-in Zen Masters- Butterfly and Brother. I have a lot to learn.

In the Storm

Butterfly Girl had her appointment with Therapist last night. Butterfly did not want to go and expressed it with all the fury and anger of a wild five year old. I reminded myself it was a good opportunity for me to practice all my new zen breathing, staying in the moment, feely stuff.

Partner had called me at work to tell me that Butterfly had said, in no uncertain terms, she was not going to see Therapist. I appreciated the heads up and left a few minutes early to have time to work through it with her.

Butterfly was not joking around. When I told her we were going to see Therapist, Butterfly began screaming, yelling, crying, ripping apart her room.It has amazed me how difficult it is to stay in the moment, even when the moment is loud and in your face. I would have thought it would be hard to escape the immediate situation but I think my mind works even harder to escape. 

I was not in the moment. My mind was not still. Through Butterfly's screaming and throwing, I found my mind running like a freight train at full speed- all kinds of thoughts popping in and out of my head... "we are going to be late if we don't get out of the door soon. The traffic is going to be horrible. What route should I take?  Should I even be taking her? It's not like it is cheap- what a waste of money if she doesn't want to go. Although,  we will probably get charged anyway at this point- too late to cancel. It feels like I am forcing her to go- that can't be healthy. Maybe she is just mad about being told to do something. Why does she keep screaming she hates him? Did something happen the last time she went? Maybe it is something really horrible. I wasn't in the room. Should I tell her she doesn't have to go?  Obviously, she needs to talk with someone-she is still so angry."

I am no zen master. As a matter of fact, instead of feeling each of my breaths- in and out, I think I forgot to breathe altogether.  This was very challenging. But, I was aware of the thoughts. I acknowledged them and then tried to let them go- one by one. Eventually, I felt like I did end up in the room, in the moment with Butterfly. And without getting too touchy feely, I felt a calmness- like I was in the center of a storm. And I think Butterfly noticed.

I felt empathetic but also clear about what I needed to do. I echoed her feelings and told her that we need to go together to the Therapist. We had an appointment. We could talk with him together about Butterfly not wanting to see him. Therapist could help us find someone else. But we had an appointment, so tonight we would go- together. 

With some more help from Partner, Butterfly pulled out of it. In the car, we talked about it some more. I still had some second thoughts but held strong to our commitment. 

And then we arrived. I stayed in the room the whole session per Butterfly's request. Therapist seemed fine with that. I sat on the couch and pretended to look out the window at the cityscape - listening intently for clues to her complex little being. They played with toys, colored and talked - sometimes she alluded to things that seemed important - although I am no shrink.  Butterfly told him that she would talk more when she could trust him. I liked the way Therapist interacted.

He ended by saying we would meet again next week. I could see a slight smile- although she wasn't going to let on that she was pleased. I think over time this will be so helpful. Butterfly is getting a foundation that will help her for the rest of her life.

Oh, and school went great again.

Slow Healing

Yesterday was Butterfly's student-led parent/ teacher conference at school.  Interestingly, she chose not to participate. I recognized that even talking about it on Sunday evening with Butterfly proved challenging. At some point it dawned on me that she was probably feeling worried about it because her experience at the other school with conferences was never good. Sure enough- she was terrified and felt like she was in trouble.

We talked about it and she did sit with me and answer some of the questions on Sunday evening in preparation. 

What are you very good at in school? "Jump rope and drawing." 

What worries you? "Being called mean names by kids at school." 

How do you feel about writing? "I love it because I like to draw girls with lots of detail."  

How do you feel about reading? "Scared because I think I will mess up and I try and I try so hard. Someday I will be good if I try." 

What are your goals for this year? "Learning to jump rope on the big jump rope and drawing better." 

How can we help you achieve those goals? "Practice with me and give me stuff to draw." 

How will you know when you have reached your goals? "Happy. I will be very happy."

I met Partner, Butterfly and Brother at school for the conference on Monday afternoon. We headed to the outdoor classroom to meet. Butterfly ran off and hid- she did not want to participate. Finally, she came with us to the classroom. Teacher talked with her about her fears, the reasons we do the conferences, etc. Butterfly chose not to participate formally. 

Butterfly was free to do this- there was no forcing her to sit with us. There was no disappointed from Teacher in Butterfly's lack of participation. There was only acceptance of where Butterfly was at the moment. Because of that, as the meeting went on she did wonder over and check on Partner and my answers every so often- correcting them or adding to them. 

It felt so good to observe her trusting that her feelings were being heard. Trusting that her needs were valid and they would be met. It is like observing a slow healing. Sometimes I feel like she is a wild animal, slowly beginning to integrate into a domesticated pack. Not losing her spirit but knowing that she is accepted just as she is.

Earning Back Trust

Yesterday was a little rough again. The honeymoon may be ending. However, Butterfly's behavior is not manifesting itself physically but verbally. That is a change.  

There were points yesterday where I wondered if this whole non violent communication (NVC) was really working.  How many times can I say the limits? How many times can I say "I feel sad when you say that because I need kind words in our family." when she yells "I hate you!" Or "I feel worried when you say that because I need you to know that we love you" when she says "I wish I were dead. No one loves me."  

It is hard not to say "NO." or "Cut it out" or "You are in timeout." especially if the unkindness is directed to Brother.  Although, Brother is actually more advanced than any of us in this new language because he has been learning it in his preschool. Brother is practiced at saying "That is not okay with me."

After a good night's rest, I woke this morning to review yesterday.  I feel re energized. I will use NVC a thousand times more today. Thinking back on yesterday- although it was bumpy- Butterfly did not physically hurt anyone.  And, I heard her (or tried to).  And she worked through the moments with words. 

At one point, Brother was having a very hard time giving Butterfly space because he wanted desperately to play with her. Butterfly was trying so hard to use her words and although it did escalate into screaming "Leave me alone!!" it did not turn physical. Butterfly told me "I am trying to work through this! I need space so I am sitting at my (art) table!" That is a huge success. 

I think we will need some difficult days for Butterfly to trust that I will hear her and not resort to timeouts and "no" even during the most challenging moments. For her to trust that I value what she is feeling and thinking in any given moment. I hope for guidance and patience in those moments.  

So Simple

All is well on the home front. An amazing change has taken place at our house- even if just for the honeymoon. My stress level is so much lower even when Butterfly begins to have a moment. It is diffused so much quicker. Identifying what I am feeling, guessing what she is feeling and working together to come up with a solution completely deflates the situation (or at least most of them). It is like Butterfly finally feels like she is being heard and validated.

It seems so simple. And I certainly thought I was doing all that feely/ listening stuff before but there is something much different about this way. It is about being totally present in the moment. About recognizing Butterfly's (or whoever elses) need for sovereignty.  By trying to honor it.  I actually feel quite hippy with all these books, feelings, walking meditation- something I have always held a bit of judgement about. I am letting that go and finding myself more at peace and in tune with my family than I ever thought possible- even during difficult moments. 

And the kids seem to be drinking it in - finding new ways to express themselves, new ways to use words and ask for their needs to be met. Even three year old Brother asked me last night if he "used his words good".

Yesterday Butterfly spent the majority of the day at School by herself for the first time- Brother was sick with a cold. It went well according to Teachers- I say Teachers because there are so many adults around all day.  It is interesting because Butterfly has not brought up her old school, classmates or teacher since the second day at her new school. The reduction of stress and visible anxiety in her is remarkable. I am so grateful that we were finally granted a spot at the charter.

Hope and Promise

Yesterday I went back to school and what a day! Kindergarten is exhausting.  When we arrived at school, Butterfly showed me the room pets including two huge stick bugs (about 6 inches long), some butterflies that had recently emerged from their chrysalis and Sharpie, the big lizard. The children had set limits around Sharpie and they were posted to his tank. They included no drawing or painting on Sharpie.

When the gong rang to start the day, the Teacher said we were headed to the Church Hall (we share the campus with a church) to watch the inauguration. I was thrilled! All 125 students piled in to the hall and listened with relative quietness as Obama gave his speech. I felt great watching this next generation observe this historic moment. 

Later in the day, Obama showed up at the school for a press conference with the 1/2 graders. Obviously, it wasn't really Obama but he did look like him!  I wondered over to watch the mock press conference for a bit. Started with questions like "Is there a swimming pool in the White House?" But then it started to get tough with questions about global warming and the war. Obama stopped by Butterfly's class on the way out to say hello. Butterfly stopped still in her tracks and stared at him with her mouth wide open until he left. She couldn't believe it! What a school! I love it. 

The day unfolded with activities in the classroom, playtime, PE (which consists of jump ropes and hula hoops) and journaling/painting in the outdoor classroom.  I tried my best to assist the Teacher but found myself tripping up more than once around this new language. I felt like a sponge- following around the adults and trying to absorb the language. All in all I had a great day with Butterfly.

That night, Partner and I went to see Therapist. I was worried. Not sure what he was going to throw at us. I felt really good about the session by the end. I felt good about him and his insights. Basically, he doesn't think Butterfly has a "psychological diagnosis". He thinks the behavior stems from anxiety and over-sensitivity. 

He also thinks she is smart -above average intelligence which can be hard for a kid like her. He said that she feels things very deeply but cognitively she does not have the ability to connect her feelings with her head- so she gets frustrated because she knows she feels it but can't understand it. She is just a little out of synch.  He explained it much better.

It all clicked for me as we talked about it. Her difficulty keeping friends. Her difficulty navigating relationships and social situations. Her deep need to connect but her fear to connect. Her need to be controlling. Her need to be perfect. On and on and on. Because she is so anxious, Butterfly tries to control social situations which, in turn, makes it difficult for her to interact. She so deeply craves human connection while at the same time being terrified of opening herself  up to that vulnerability.

I talked about the fact that she did not want to go back to see Therapist. He said that he had been concerned about how he had ended the last session. She had opened up a little bit to him. At that time, he wasn't sure if he was going to see her again so he said that maybe they would get together again. He said he noticed then how Butterfly crumpled inward. 

We think that Butterfly had started to let him in a little and then felt rejected.  So when she talked to me Butterfly was angry and wanted to reject him by saying she would never go back to protect herself.  Sensitivity can be a real bitch.

He also told us not to be surprised if the "honeymoon" ended at school and the behavior resurfaced. He said that might actually be a blessing- meaning that she would feel comfortable enough to let her  feelings out. That makes sense but we sure are enjoying the honeymoon.

Anyway, we decided that she could really benefit from ongoing therapy. He thinks once a week for the next year. Hopefully, help her transition to the new school, work through some issues, develop skills, etc. We decided to stick with him. Butterfly has already opened up to him. And I feel good- he hasn't compartmentalized Butterfly. He has talked about her as the complex little girl she is. He sees hope and promise. That is a good thing to see on this inauguration day.

 We feel good about it. She now has a standing appointment every Tuesday at 5:30. 

I feel _________.

Wow. This non violent communication thing is a big change for us. I have found out that I am not very emotionally articulate.  Whenever the kids are fighting or  not listening all my sentences are supposed to start with "I am feeling _____ because I need ____." I find that I keep repeating that I am feeling frustrated. I need to identify some other emotions.  

I did witness a miraculous exchange between Butterfly and Brother yesterday. After brother called Butterfly "poopy" Butterfly said that she "felt sad because I need kind words."  That was amazing!

I am going to spend the day at school with her tomorrow- all day. I am very excited to see the school in action and to observe Butterfly.

We have had a great week. Butterfly told me on Friday on the way to the Therapist that she loved her new school to the moon and back to the bottom of the ocean. It definitely feels like the right move for all of us. 

Butterfly did not like the Therapist this last visit. Butterfly said she never wants to return. Partner and I go on Tuesday night to see Therapist alone- we will finally hear what has been transpiring and talk about where to go from here. I actually feel like we need to find a therapist that is fluent in this non violent communication-- that's not this guy.   We will see how it goes. Looking forward to finally talking with him again.

A Different Better Way to Learn

School was a family affair yesterday. Except I was at work. But, Partner, Brother and Butterfly stayed together at school all day. Partner looked exhausted when I finally got home last night. But, the day was great.

The charter is different not only because of the Humanistic Educational approach and the Non Violent Communication but also because if Butterfly can be more free. She doesn't have to go sit in the group if she doesn't want to at a certain moment. Partly, it is as simple as that. There is flexibility. And Butterfly needs that.

Butterfly being able to write in her diary was such a luxury at the other school. It was the one thing Butterfly clung to like a life raft. Here she could write in it all day if she needed to or she could read a book or make art or sit in a chair or lie on the floor or stand on her head.

I have found several books that were recommended to us at the library. Hopefully, we can get this this weekend.  Partner and I have a lot of work to do with this new method. It is relearning everything.

Tonight, Butterfly sees Therapist. We will see how that goes.

Beautiful

Butterfly's second day at school came with some challenges. Teacher called Partner to come back to the school to help Butterfly for the remainder of the day. Teacher said Butterfly was having some communication breakdowns. Partner called me very upset- although we knew that this would happen, the stress of getting "the call" proved overwhelming for Partner. 

When she arrived at the Charter, Teacher and Butterfly explained what had happened. Butterfly was swinging the ties on her dress at some of the other children. Teacher asked her to please stop and when she wouldn't, gently removed Butterfly from the classroom herself. Butterfly started swinging the ties at Teacher. 

Teacher had the school call Partner. Teacher stayed with Butterfly to help her work through it and then the roving "Communication Specialist" who goes from classroom to classroom to help when thing arise, came and helped Butterfly reintegrate into the classroom when she was ready.

When Teacher spoke with Partner, she told her that she wanted to Butterfly to come to the place where she realizes that calling "mommy" is not a punishment. Instead, it is  a support. Wow. What a difference.   We really liked how the Teacher and Communication Specialist handled all of it. Butterfly had lots of support and it was handled quickly. What a relief.

Teacher told us that she noticed Butterfly struggle at the same time on Monday. That this transition time seemed particularly challenging. I think- how insightful and observant of Teacher.  Teacher said Partner had to spend the whole day at school with Butterfly on Wednesday and preferably the remainder of the week. Brother is welcome to come too. 

When Partner told Butterfly her consequence was not being able to ride her scooter later that day, Teacher gently pulled Partner aside. She said I really don't agree with consequences. She suggested that Partner and I attend the K/1/2 meeting on Wednesday evening with childcare provided. They talk about the curriculum and also practice and talk about Non Violent Communication. WE found out later it is actually required for all parents...which we think is great.

Wednesday, Butterfly had a spectacular day at school with Partner. She got to make clay animals in the outdoor classroom. She got to hold the pet iguana. She got  to touch the stick bugs. She learned how to make a volcano from vinegar and baking soda. When a kid found a spider, the teacher stopped the whole class and gave everyone magnifying glasses to check out the spider with. 

Partner got to go the eveing K/1/2 meeting- I had to work- and took the kids with her. Apparently, I have to attend from now on- it is kind of like I am back in school too. They had a great time and Partner came home with an exercise book in non violent communication, a reading list and instructions for us to read, read, read. I stayed up late last night reading the first book. I love the thought process behind the non violent communication movement. I think we have lots to learn- it is an entirely different way to parent.

When I got home last night, Butterfly ran and gave me a hug. She said thank you for my new school. It was the first time I have seen her excited about school- ever. She was a blur of words and hands and laughter as she talked about her day. It was beautiful.

It Felt Good....

 

It felt good to call her old school and tell them she would not be back.

It felt good when Butterfly ran up to Partner after school to announce that when the "gong" rang, she did not have to line up. 

It felt good when Butterfly told me she can sit anywhere during circle time- not on a certain color square. 

It felt good when Teacher  invited Butterfly to sit on her lap during circle time. 

It felt good when Teacher observed Butterfly tensing and she immediately went over to help the kids navigate their feelings- Butterfly did not hurt anyone. 

It felt good to know she was supported. 

It felt good to see so many parents and younger siblings at the school- all day long- helping the Teachers and the children. 

It felt good when our friend came and gave us hugs, telling us she was glad we were there- finally. 

It felt good when her son- the third grader- came from his class to say hello to Butterfly.

It felt good to see all the boys with long hair, the kids of different races, the different styles. 

It felt good to observe other children with challenges. 

It felt good to feel part of a community. 

It felt good to hear Teacher give the kids choices and opportunities to volunteer. 

It felt good when one of the Teachers found out Butterfly likes Bugs and took her to see some right in the middle of the activity because Butterfly wanted to see. 

It felt good to sing the morning song in Russian. 

It felt good to sit in the outdoor classroom.

It felt good to be at a new school.

A Fresh Start

We decided. 

Yesterday, Partner spent the day at the Charter- with little Brother because he did not have school. It is such a different environment. She spoke with the woman staff person who helps with transitions, she met the teachers and talked with the Principal. She observed classroom time and playground time. They actually have an outdoor classroom. 

Partner talked about Butterfly's struggles. They said they have worked with it before. They said if aggression becomes an on-going issue, that Butterfly would have a reflection day- so she can reconnect with her family, become grounded again.... they just have a different way of talking about things. They hold our views.

Partner also took both kids for a playdate at a friend's home later that afternoon. The friend has a kid in school with Brother and also a kid in 3rd grade at the Charter. Her kid at the charter has OCD and has thrived in the school.  The kids can write passes to go to visit other rooms during the day.  Her son said he will write a pass to go check on Butterfly. That mad Butterfly feel good.

Partner met another mom  at the school. Her kid has severe sensitivity issues and is doing well.  He just transferred last week.  The mother actually stays at the school with her kid all day- and the teachers like that.

Yesterday, at her regular school, Butterfly was attacked on the yard by another little girl. Attacked is the Principal's word -not mine- although I agree with it. Partner rushed to the school to pick her up- she was crying and shaking uncontrollably.  Butterfly kept saying "I tried to walk away, I tried to walk away." It happened on the yard- fortunately, a teacher saw it this time so Butterfly was not automatically blamed. Principal was not comforting Butterfly when Partner arrived. Butterfly was sitting in a chair by herself, Principal working behind her desk.

The little girl started calling her stupid and ugly. Then she jumped on her, pulled out a huge chunk of hair, ripped her pants off while the other little girls watched.

I have noticed a shift in Butterfly this week. There have been no incidents at home or school. She is quick to apologize. She basically does not interact with the other children in her class. On the walk to school yesterday, she told me how she is not "mean" anymore. That she tries hard to be nice. That it is hardest when the kids call her stupid and ugly. It makes her want to hurt them. 

I cannot in good faith keep taking her to that school every morning. In my bones it does not feel right. When Partner talked about the new school, Butterfly said she wants to go. We talked about it as an opportunity to start over. To take everything she has learned and move to this new school. Butterfly is ready to move.  Partner and I are not kidding ourselves- we know the issues will continue, maybe even flare up. The Teachers might get frustrated here too. But, Butterfly is in therapy now. We have a school with only 125 students- she can stay there through 8th grade. Brother can attend also. They have more experience working with kids "like" Butterfly. They want us to be involved in every step. 

Monday will be Butterfly's first day. We will be there with her. A fresh start.

Charter

The Charter school called. There is a spot for us! Partner goes today to pick up paperwork. We go on Monday morning to observe "Morning Meeting" and meet with some of the staff.

We have no idea what to do.

There are so many things that we like about the school. They have a humanistic approach. The teach non-violence. There are only 125 students in the whole school- and it goes through 8th grade. They encourage (actually require) parent involvement.  They do not suspend- they do have "reflections days" Before a student can return after a "reflection day" they must have a reentry meeting which includes the teacher, the student, the parents and others as appropriate. 

They do not have desks. They do not use textbooks. They do have high test scores. They do have kids that have struggled in more traditional settings. The former Principal there- our friend- who knows Butterfly and some of her struggles- thinks it would be a great spot for her.  

Since it is a charter, it would allow us to move somewhere cheaper in LA without worrying we are jeopardizing the kids home school. And we have to move somewhere cheaper by July.  That means that Butterfly would have to switch schools in 1st grade anyway. Brother would be guaranteed a spot. 

The questions we want to ask are- How do they handle a child that is disruptive in class? What is the structure? Would Butterfly have the option to write in her diary or draw or whatever when she feels the need (they won't let her at her current school)? What skills and resources do they have in place for working with Butterfly? etc.

I told Partner- if we make the move, let's just assume that nothing would be better. Things might actually escalate for a while. Then let's listen to their answers- objectively. And make the decision. We have to decide next week.

Partner asked Butterfly what she would think of a different school- Butterfly responded it would be good. When Teacher filled out the check box form for the psychiatrist re Butterfly's behavior, one of the things she checked was that Butterfly has no friends. It is painfully apparent when I drop off or pick up. Her impulse and personal boundary struggles have ostracized her from her classmates. 

Maybe this would be a fresh start - although I know you can't  run from your problems. But maybe, just maybe, this would be a good time to do it. Now that she is in therapy. Since she does not have friends at her current school. Since she knows Teacher is frustrated. Maybe a clean slate would help. But, we really just don't know.

No matter what, it would eventually provide that stability for when we have to move... and we wouldn't have to be concerned about the local neighborhood school- whether it was a good fit.  I look forward to figuring it out. I am excited to go on Monday. 

Doc

The New Year has been fabulous for Butterfly Girl. The winter break was so healing and therapeutic for all of us. It is like we have all started over. Butterfly has had a great week at school- no incidents, at least no phone calls.  Communication with Teacher and Principal is still only around the bad. 

Butterfly saw Psychiatrist for the first time on Monday. Partner and I had seem him the week before. I took Butterfly to her appointment. We told her he was a "talking doctor"- someone she could talk and play with- someone she could tell her feelings to. Butterfly just wanted to know what kind of toys he had. She got all dressed up for her appointment and waited patiently until it was time to go.

Butterfly and I followed Doc from the waiting room into his office. The office was spotless, a long wall of books and periodicals and another wall with dark brown baskets. Butterfly stood in the center of the room for a minute and then headed straight for the baskets. Sure enough, they were filled with toys and treasures.

Doc went and sat on the floor with her. I tried to be inconspicuous choosing to settle on the couch. Butterfly still hadn't said a word. Doc was moving very slowly- he is very calm and I like that. I felt like an intruder myself. I didn't want the Doc to ask me to leave so after a few minutes, I moved out to the waiting room with Butterfly's approval.

Of course, once I was out there, behind two locked doors, away from Butterfly, I began to second guess everything. Who was this Doc? It isn't like we really know him. What is he talking about in there? Will he let her come to me if she wants to leave?

After what seemed like an eternity, Butterfly poked her head in the waiting room. Doc said "I think I would like to see her again." That surprised me-the original plan was that Partner and I had an appointment, then Butterfly and then he would go to the school. That was his standard. 

Why did he need to see her again? Why was he deviating from the plan? Had something horrible come up? Had he identified some behavior already?  I couldn't ask much with Butterfly standing there. Doc told me he would schedule some time to talk with me after her second appointment.

So now we wait. 

Butterfly told me she wants to go back to see him. That is a good sign. We go Wednesday night. I like the doc. I feel like we are on a good path. Everything is smooth right now. Things feel good. 

10 Days

The last 10 days have been like something from a different life. Butterfly Girl's behavior has been wonderful. Happy. Relaxed. Thoughtful. Kind. Funny. None of the usual challenging behavior. I am amazed by the difference.

Then, yesterday morning she asked about school. How many days left of vacation? That evening when she asked again at supper I asked her how she was feeling about returning.  Butterfly said she was excited because she wanted to bring her new diary to school. Anytime she felt like she needed to write or draw, she would just tell Teacher and start writing. 

My heart sunk. Teacher will not allow her to have the diary in class. We have already talked to the school about it. I told Butterfly we would talk to Teacher on monday. She started grinding her teeth.

Later, Butterfly threw a toy at Brother - the first time in over a week. I noticed the shift when I put her in time out. It was more difficult for her to re-regulate. She was super frustrated. She was angry.  

Partner and I talked about it later. We think starting Monday we will voluntarily pull Butterfly from school early- give her half days. We are so tempted to just keep her home. We can feel the pressure building in her. It seems cruel to even send her to the school.  It is so clearly not not a healthy environment for Butterfly. We hope the psychiatrist will give us some direction tomorrow when we meet him for the first time tomorrow.

No word back from the charter school yet.  In our minds, we have begun to imagine again how great that place would be for Butterfly. If Butterfly wanted to write in her diary all day, she could. They would encourage her to try new letters, write about new ideas. If the school opens, we will need to be very objective in what she would actually be permitted. It is easy to imagine things would be different or better elsewhere.