Superheroes

Butterfly had a play date at a friends house yesterday. That is happening more and more. Of course, it makes me feel really good that she has come so far.  A year ago, it would have been very risky to leave her at a friends house. We probably would have found some place to park around the corner and under the pretense of enjoying a cup of coffee at the corner shop, sat waiting nervously with cell phone on the table.... waiting for the inevitable call.'

How far we have come. We dropped her off and, with a hug and a kiss goodbye, we turned our full attention to Brother. Now Brother is often the second fiddle. The way we structure our days to the way we head out of the house or leave a playground - it all centers on Butterfly's needs. Not that we aren't aware of that. But, having smooth transitions is a boost for the whole family. Much better than managing a screaming, hitting little girl.

So, anyway, Partner and I plan to give Brother the day of his life! We stop first at a comic store. The kind with all the weird people inside browsing through thousands of superhero comic books while the grown adults gently handle the statues of R2D2 with the reverence of the Virgin Mary. A little uncomfortable but it is a store Brother has been begging to visit every time we pass it. So, in we went.  We made it out 40 minutes later, Brother the proud new owner of a Spiderman poster... his first poster ever.  He calls it wallpaper and can't wait to get home and hang it.

After a stop to play at the beach, the three of us, poster in tow, head home to hang it. In his room, there is only one place it will fit and that involves taking down his little hanging quilt with the farm animals and his name stitched across the bottom. As I am folding it to put in the closet, the new Spiderman poster looming above his bed, I realize he is growing up! My little baby boy has moved from cows, horsies and sheep to dark villains and superheros.

A little later, when Partner leaves to pick up Butterfly, Brother and I decide to make a nice dinner for them as a surprise. He is so excited to show her his new poster. He tells me he is really big boy now. He sets the table, chooses music and picks flowers from the backyard.  He has missed Sister all day. He can't wait to see her. While he chops fruit for the salad, we sing at the top of our lungs "The Girl with the most cake". He insists on making brownies for Sister and that we light candles- just like a real restaurant. 

Five minutes in the door, Sister explodes. She sits in her room (her own choice) while the three of us try to pretend we are in a fancy restaurant. Butterfly is screaming, things crashing in the kids bedroom. I try to peek my head in only to be told to fuck off, get out, I hate you!!  I return to the table straining to smile and pretend I am enjoying our dinner. Brother is trying to ignore it too as we yell how tasty dinner is back and forth over the loudening din of angry six year old screams. 

She finally emerges with a smirk on her face.  She sits across the room, glaring at me defiantly. It slowly dawns on me what she has done. I calmly get up from the table and make my way to the kids bedroom. On the floor and strewn across the bed is Brother's new Spiderman poster. Ripped into pieces. Shredded on the floor. 

I am so angry I can't think straight. I don't want to even look at Butterfly. I don't have any extra money to run to the store and buy another poster. I don't want to hear Brother's cries when he sees his new treasure. He was so excited- he felt like such a big boy. He had gotten something just for him. He had taken down his little boy quilt. He had wnated his sister...he had needed his sisters approval.

 I come out of the room and mouth the words to Partner. Butterfly is raging again. Brother is still trying to enjoy the dinner he worked so hard on. I grab Butterfly and put her in a different room. I ask Partner to continue eating with Brother. I go get the tape.  For the next hour, I piece together his poster with packing tape. It is obviously ripped, torn. But I manage to get most of the pieces lined up well enough. I move through my emotions- rage, anger, confusion, disappointment, and then a deep, settling sadness that comes with exhaustion.

Over the next several hours before bedtime, there are many talks with Butterfly. At bedtime, as I lay down next to her, she begins screaming again. Partner and Brother move to the other room so Brother does not have to bear witness to the cruel, hurtful words she is screaming at me.  I acknowledge her feelings. Over and over. She is so close to my face, I can feel her warm breath, her spit flying. After 20 minutes, she slows down. She is still mad- but that is my Butterfly Girl. She asks me to rub her back and as I slowly scratch her back, I feel her tension releasing and she falls into a deep sleep.

I lay awake for several hours pondering the events of the evening.... how things could have been different, why it has to be so hard, how much it hurts Brother and Partner.... and finally, I escape into a deep dark sleep where I find some peace- at least for a few hours.

The Funny Things Kids Say...

It is the start of a New Year. Hard to believe the journey we have been on together the past six years with little Butterfly Girl. Of course, she is not so little anymore- already 6 and, quite honestly, acting like a 13 year old most of the time. "Whatever" with a roll of the eyes or asking for alone time in her room or complete defiance...she feels so misunderstood and she tells me that often.  She is still very angry.  Before we could never figure out what she was angry about- now she tells us- constantly. She hates me, she hates her brother, she hates her dinner, she hates her dog, she hates her room, she hates, hates, hates....  But, although it is absolutely exhausting, I see it as progress. At least she is verbalizing it. And, I sit and listen until she is "done" and then she is generally able to move on. Such big, complex emotions for a little one. She must be as exhausted by it as I am.

But sometimes I am reminded that she is still just a little kid. Either from a surprise hug or a question about how the world works or something she says.  Two of my favorite conversations this year revolved around dogs.  About a month ago, we picked her up from park day (her school spends every Friday at a large, local State park). 

Anyway, from the back seat she says "I finally got to see a pimple." 

"A pimple?" I ask.

"Yeah. I have been waiting to see one."

"Hmmm.... when did you see the pimple?" I ask.

"Today. Down by the water. My friend's dad showed it to us."

"The dad?" I ask.

"Yeah. We got to pet it and play with it. It was really cute."

"Hmmm......" my mind racing.

"Are you talking about a dog?" I asked.

"Yeah. A pimple."

"Oh... a pit bull.  You got to pet a pit bull."

"Yeah. Whatever. A pit bull.  It was cute."

And then last night, we were talking about our family's 2010 New Year resolution- one of which is "Make a difference for Mother Earth." Butterfly was talking about the ways she planned to help including recycling, helping animals, etc. She remembered the other week when Partner and the kids were out and found a lost dog wandering the streets.

"We can help Mother Earth by finding homes for her animals when they are lost."

"That's a great way to help" I said.

"Just like the other day when we saw that lost dog."

"What dog was that?" I ask.

"She was wandering lost. We think she had a pit load of puppies because her bras were hanging down."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yup. She had a pit load of puppies somewhere because her bras hung way down to the ground."

"Hmmm.... yes, that is a great way to help Mother Earth."

"Yeah. Whatever."

Ahhhh.... here's is to a New Year full of growth, struggles and lots of laughs.