A New Chapter

For a while I stopped writing. I think I was trying to assume a new sense of normalcy as Butterfly Girl grows and matures, outbursts become less frequent and life unfolds. I also stopped because the whole mess around the charter school was terrifying and perhaps I thought not writing about it would help squash all the uncertainty and keep my terror of "what the hell are we going to do if there is no charter?!"  far enough under the surface. 

All that said, the charter did not come through and we were left at a dead end with no where to turn- or so we thought. But life has a way of unfolding and in my life I have always been fortunate to have a trap door open at the last minute through which I always fall clumsily into a new and wonderful experience.

Welcome to Play Mountain Place (PMP). The new school. It has been around for 60 years and it isn't going to go away. It is child-centered. It is humanistic. It is inclusive. The whole day is spent almost entirely outdoors. There are no textbooks, homework, formal classes. There is no raising hands or sitting on squares. There are no bells or lines. There is no "lunchtime"- just eat when you are hungry. Butterfly often eats her lunch perched high in a tree.  

There is morning meeting where kids share plans and problems and questions. There are "teacher led" plans including water plans, wood shop, recorder, rock band, origami, reading, digging and more. There are kid led plans too. Kids choose what they want to participate in on any given day. Butterfly has built a dog house and a bird house. Numerous fascinating and intricate origami pieces have come home. She is learning to play the recorder. On Peace Day last week, the kids made signs out of cardboard and did an impromptu march through the busy city streets near the school. Honk for Peace. 

The yard is an oasis in the middle of the throbbing city. Providing a natural ceiling, tall, old trees worn by 60 years of kids like Butterfly climbing and swinging from the branches cover the yard.  You cannot hear the sound of traffic, horns or airplanes. Structure of wood in shapes and configurations wilder than Dr. Sueus' imagination provide challenging climbing structures and forts. There are geodesic domes for art and meetings. There is a small stage for impromptu performances.  The kids in her yard range from 5 - 12. They interact all day. 

And... the coolest thing... is the mush area. I think this must have been designed 60 years ago for a kid just like Butterfly. The floor and walls are covered with those mats you see in gymnastics. There is a punching bag. A wall of old newspapers  waiting to be torn, thrown, ripped, stomped on. Large padded things to wrestle with or throw. The mush area is to help kids get out energy and also work out big feelings that are manifesting physically in a safe area. Butterfly spent the first three days in there... by her own choice of course.

 We are all learning a new language. I am learning a new way to parent. Our parenting classes at school start next month. All the parents are required to take them. Brother is also in school at PMP. He is in a younger yard with kids 3 -5. In a couple years, they will be on the same yard. 

Much has happened in the last couple weeks since school started. A new chapter in our lives. More to come.

Happy Birthday Butterfly!

Butterfly Girl turned six. And that was no small feat. I don't mean the year of ups and down- the emotional battles won and lost, the fears, the questions. I mean the birthday party.

Last year Butterfly Girl did not have a birthday party. She is one of the unfortunate ones that has a birthday in the summer- meaning school is out and friends scattered by summer plans. This holds true until high school at least. So, unless you are well liked, it can be hard  to fill a summer party with little kids.  

This year, with some coaxing, she decided she wanted a party with friends. Partner and I were excited. We planned for the big day, reserving a giant slip 'n slide, the Tinkerbell ice cream cake, and party favors.  It was a luau theme and served fruit kabobs. Butterfly decorated home with flower leis, musical instruments, stuffed animals and a pineapple.

The morning passed to afternoon. I had cold feet. Would anyone really show up? The evite said yes. I tried to curb my jitters by taking pre-party pics of the Butterfly and Brother on the big slide. 1 PM arrived... and so did the friends. One after another, little kids from her class walked through the door bearing cards or gifts. They displayed no nervousness. After a quick assessment of the house, toys and snacks, each kid inevitably ran to the slip n slide. Butterfly slipped along with the rest of them.  Everyone was having fun.

We broke out the cake. Kids gathered around to sing The Song. As their little voices rang out, Butterfly covered her ears and hid her head in partners skirt. When the singing was over, Butterfly had the biggest piece of cake. 

Long after everyone had gone home for the night, Butterfly and I had a few moments together while she explored her pile of very thoughtful gifts (she really scored).  We talked about the party, her friends, Brother, being six.... After a few moments of silence, where I actually tried to steal a quick cat nap, I felt her pulling on my leg. She said,  "You know, having friends is kinda fun." And with that she scooted off to play.  

"Okay. Maybe later."

Butterfly struggled from the moment she woke up yesterday. She seemed very angry- a short fuse. By the time Teacher came to pick her up for the day, she had  already had two explosive episodes. Apparently she struggled at camp too. By the time I arrived home from work, everyone seemed a bit frazzled. 

We had plans to go to a concert at the beach with the whole family. Before we left, Butterfly began screaming, big tears rolling down her face while she writhed around on the ground- angry? disappointed? sad? There was no play structure for her at the beach. She wanted to play at a playground- period.  I couldn't touch her. She was too much on the edge. I sat on the floor with her thinking most almost 6 yr. olds don't do this..why do I keep losing her to her own feelings? Why do I still feel so helpless? Why don't I know how to soothe her yet? 

I suddenly felt exhausted. I had rushed home from work so we could all enjoy the evening. I was really looking forward to doing something fun. I was angry with myself for not being able to see these tidal waves coming... and not being able to prevent them. I was sad for Brother who was excited and happy about the concert, vying for my attention which was focused solely on Butterfly. I was mad at Butterfly... here we go again. Either one of us has to stay home with her or we all go and risk having to leave quickly if we have another episode.  And, no matter what, we will be late because we can't walk out the door like this. 

I move to give her space so she can't kick me. Then I begin my monologue, which it always is at this point. "It looks like you are having some really big feelings right now." Inside, I acknowledge that I am having some damn big feelings too. I try to stay in observation mode-  neutral, calm. I remember Teacher telling me long ago that she doesn't take it personally. I breathe and ask for a little patience. If Butterfly senses that I am in a hurry, it always takes much longer. I move to the present and let go of our plans.  I continue talking. I always wonder if she can even hear me at moments like this. 

Eventually I notice a slight shift in the tension in her body. I move forward and scoop her up. I am struck by how big she is, how her body pours out of my lap. She is hot and still wound tight. I begin to rock her. She finally blurts out "I don't know what I am feeling! I don't know what it is that I am feeling!" That is the break through. I know very well she doesn't know what she is feeling... or why. How could any little child begin to process emotions that rage so heavily inside? I know it is not time to press her to explore her emotional battlefield. It is still too raw.  I just hold her and rock her. I remind her that it is okay to feel. I acknowledge that sometimes feelings can be scary. I remind her that she can always talk to me... about anything... even if she doesn't know what to say...or has nothing to say.  After I say it, I realize it doesn't make any sense but she knows I am trying to reassure her. She knows I don't make sense a lot of the time. She is okay with my imperfections.

Eventually, we make an agreement to work on pulling through it for the rest of the evening. We agree to make our plan be "to have some fun."  She is subdued in the back seat on the drive over, wringing her hands, her jaw set tightly. I am worried as it takes longer to find a parking space than anticipated. She sees a playground and says she wants to go. Oh no. This is what started it all. I remind her that we are here for the concert not the playground. I look back it her through the mirror and hold my breath, waiting for her reply. After a moment, she looks up and says "okay. maybe later." I know that we will be okay again. I look at my little family and I am overwhelmed by my good fortune. I have everything I need right in that moment, inside the car. 

We have a great evening. She acts like a kid and I notice the tension, although still there, has begun it's release. I find that I have relaxed too. 

Bring on the Bugs!

Today Butterfly Girl had "camp" with her amazing Teacher. Teacher is hanging out with her... exploring and doing fun things. Last year, Butterfly went to a "regular" camp.  It was only during the day but she did not know anyone... kids or counselors. It was horrible for her. We stopped sending her after two days. Now, when I look back on it, I feel horrible- just imagining how painful that experience was for her. I don't know what we were thinking. 

But, today she had a blast which is great because we have had a rough couple weeks since school has been out. When I got home from work, Butterfly ran to see me hollering about some bug Teacher had given her. On closer inspection and explanation, I learned that she had been gifted a praying mantis. Praying Mantis eat bugs and, according to Butterfly, we will need to catch small bugs every morning to feed her.  They cannot be in the same habitat with the stick bugs because the praying mantis will eat them. She was so excited and, although I don't relish the idea of bug hunting every morning, I am kinda excited too. And secretly I am a little proud that Butterfly Girl likes bugs.  I love bugs too. She acknowledge that her pet collection is growing. Then she reminded me that "means my spirit is growing too".  Bring on the bugs!

Butterfly Graduates

Yesterday Butterfly Girl graduated Kindergarten. I was so proud of her - she could have been winning the Nobel Peace award. The whole graduation felt somewhat surreal.  The names of her classmates were called one by one. The children would run or walk or skip across the blacktop to get their certificate from the teacher. And then I heard her name.   

This year it did not go silent when her name was called. I heard clapping and cheering- several classmates shouted out her name. She stuck her tongue out at no one in particular before she stood up.  Then she walked slowly, head down with the famous Butterfly Girl scowl sprawled across her face.  I was so proud- that was my girl. Some parent behind me said "Oh my- that is an unhappy girl."  I decided not to turn around and see who it was. I didn't want anything to ruin our moment.  Actually, the woman's comment kinda made it all perfect- there has all been something bittersweet about every moment in Butterfly's short life. The fact was, this woman was making an observation of Butterfly on the outside. The secret with Butterfly Girl is always on the inside.  Butterfly was happy. And Butterfly was very proud. I bet she heard everyone of her schoolmates that cheered and shouted for her.  

The year has certainly had its ups and downs. We started the year at the public school near our old house. We felt so normal the first few days walking Butterfly to school, sharing smiles and morning nods over portable cups of coffee. But then, Butterfly Girl started getting sent to the Principal's office several times a week, The kids teased her and would not play with her. The Teacher became frustrated and asked for us to consider IEP and Special Ed. Butterfly was suspended from school and sent home early countless times. They wanted her to only come for a half day. They questioned our parenting. They told us something was wrong with Butterfly. Parents and Teachers began to look at us differently. We got sucked into a horrible dark hole with constant battles with Principal, Teacher, school psychiatrist.... We began to take Butterfly to an outside Psychiatrist while we desperately searched for answers.  Then one day Butterfly Girl was attacked by a group of girls on the play yard- they pulled down her pants and kicked her while she lay crying on the asphalt. That was her last day at the other School. That day we swore we would never put her back in the "system."

And then, like some miracle, we got a call from the charter school that same afternoon. A spot had opened. We could start on Monday.  We cried with joy. Little did we know at that moment what a wonderful, life changing experience we were about to embark on. I began to read everything I could on this new way to communicate- Non Violent Communication. I practiced with Partner and the kids. Butterfly connected with one of her Teacher's and the Teacher connected with her. Transformations began to happen. A veil was lifted and we could see some hope. The Teacher became a pillar of support. The school and the philosophy became the foundation for our much stronger family. Butterfly stopped seeing the Psychiatrist. She had a few Reflection days (days when she was sent home from school because she was struggling to be there). There were still phone calls from the school- but this time it was to provide Butterfly the opportunity to talk with us- we would support her and help to bring her back to a place where she could function for the remainder of the school day. But most importantly, Butterfly made some friends. She had play dates and even had her first sleep over!  

Butterfly graduated kindergarten.  

Conversations Overheard

This weekend Butterfly Girl had some friends over for a playdate. This is one of the conversations I overheard...

"Where is your Daddy?" asked Friend.

"I don't have a Daddy." said Butterfly.

"Don't you want a Daddy?" asked Friend.

"It isn't that I don't want a daddy. You see, my Momma and Doma fell in love together so I have them. We make a family."

No response from Friend.

"My Doma has short hair and sometimes looks like a boy but she is really a girl. Did you know that?" asked Butterfly.

Still no response from Friend.

"Well. let me tell you something more. Really I did not come from my mom or doma. They found me in an apple orchard... all alone... under a tree... crying... in a basket.  My real mom could not take care of me so she left me in an orchard. Mom and Doma found me in the basket. They loved me because I am so special. They took me and we made a family. I am adopted. They saved me from a life in the orchard." Butterfly explained.

Some more silence from the friend and then finally, "Oh. That's cool."

Changes

Well it's been a long time. I have to say that it is because of the shift in Butterfly Girl, in our family and in our support systems. This blog was meant to follow our journey through an uncompromising, unforgiving education and psychiatric system. A system that is difficult to navigate even for two loving , dedicated parents. This blog was meant to capture the emotional  highs and lows of living with a child that faced challenges and struggled in a "normal" environment (I have come to believe it to be more accurate to call it "inflexible").

However, we somehow found the most incredible, wonderful community that has shifted our rigid views of parenthood and childhood, appropriate behavior and priorities.  Not that we were strict and totally overbearing. I think we have always been searching, reading, working on our parenting skills. However, it has always been in the context of our middle class culture where priorities are fitting in, accommodating others, insisting on politeness, following the rules, etc. 

There is much more laughter in our home now. We thought we were somewhat chaotic before- you should see us now! It feels like we have all become kids in some ways. We are more joyful, inquisitive...I spend more time laying on the grass, looking at bugs, chasing, telling scary stories, singing and dancing.

And Butterfly Girl spends more time laughing and playing. She still struggles with things deep inside her- insecurities and fears. She doesn't like to lose. She still has a hard time making friends. She does not like to have limits set for her...and certainly does not like being told "no". 

The other night I went to put her to bed and she got really angry. She was not done playing and was not ready for bed. She threw a huge tantrum...huge. I kept remembering something I had recently read in a book. Just let her have the tantrum. Let her express it. I told her we still needed to go to bed so we went to her room and I laid down in the bed with her. She proceeded to scream, yell and say some very hurtful things. I remembered not to take it personally. Instead, I told her I could see she was having some really big emotions...she was feeling a lot. She still had a 20 minute tantrum but she exhausted herself and finally crawled over to me to snuggle. What was different this time was that she did not hit me. She was still very angry but she refrained from using her body to express it (or at least on me). She hit the bed and the pillows. She kicked the covers. But...she did not hit me. And that is a big change!

Growing Up

It has been so long since I have written. Butterfly is doing very well. She has adjusted with the move. She has settled down since the visitors have slowed. She was happy and playful over Spring break. She has been communicating her feelings and needs- probably does it better than me. I am afraid alot of that went out the window when we were moving. It is hard to be mindful when everything else is happening - and of course, it is the most important time to be mindful.  I'm still learning.

Yesterday I was struck by how much things have changed when she was playing with a boy. These two both have had hard times using words instead of hands, having explosive episodes, etc. We have actually known them a couple years and we have both sen the more challenging moments for each others families. The kids have really hurt each other a few times- so badly that on different occasions we have had to take long breaks from seeing each other. 

But over Spring break, they played together and worked through any incidents that came up. It was really remarkable. Yesterday when her friend left, I told Butterfly that she and her friend had really negotiated and compromised to make their play date go smoothly. And she looked at me and said "Well, what do you expect? That we would hit it each other and yell? We are older now and don't do that anymore." 

That made me laugh. Could it really be that a real change has taken place?  That the length of time between compulsive and aggressive incidents has really stretched so far that it feels almost "normal"? Could it be that Butterfly is finally feeling safe with her own feelings? 

Today, I am just going to take a deep breath and let what changes have happened becoming fully apparent to me. I feel like I  need to stop and catch up on everything that has happened since January when we moved to the new school.  It has changed our lives.  Today, I am going to be thankful for my precious little girl and the changes she is embracing. Butterfly is growing up.

We did it!

We did it. We found Peter and Ava. We moved to our new home. We unpacked everything. We settled in!

Finding Peter and Ava was some something short of a miracle. We feel so lucky. Butterfly loves her new home. She hasn't even asked about the other house. She has enjoyed long scooter rides in her neighborhood. She loves to play in the backyard. She gets to choose which bathtub to bathe in. She spends time in the playroom building train tracks for Brother and working at her art table. She loves that she doesn't have to get on the freeway to get to school any more and appreciates the shorter drive too. The transition went smoothly- much better than we had hoped.

Yesterday at school she stated that she felt good because she was "going to be nice today." She had started off the day great- getting ready for school and being kind to Brother. Last night se told me that some of the kids had told her they still would not be her friends because she "used to be mean." She was very hurt. I asked her why they might have said that or why they might still be concerned. She said because they are worried she might still be mean. She said she was sad. I hope that today she tries to be "nice" again and does not give up. I worry that she does not get as much attention when she is "good" and that she reverts quickly to old behaviors.  We will see how it goes today....

The School voted on pursuing the charter extension or pursuing the new charter. The outcome- pursue the new charter. That means no more School as we know it next year. We hope that the new charter will be approved and that the community will continue to stay together. Of course, it will have to be a lottery which means she might not get in event if the new charter passes. If it does not pass, we are leaning towards home schooling her next year while we figure out what to do. I am not sure when we find out about the new charter... we try to remain hopeful.

Losing Peter

The MOVE is almost over thanks to my parents helping out. We were so happy to be in our new home tonight with everything finally here and although we still have some unpacking to do it really feels like home. Unfortunately, our dogs got out of the yard today - we still don't know how they escaped. Several hours of looking around the neighborhood turned up nothing. I finally got a call from a man who had found Ava but no sign of Peter. Ava is safely home again. 

Butterfly is very sad. She told me she is worried about Peter. I am too. Partner is beyond upset. I really don't know what to do. If I think of the things that could happen to Peter it is overwhelming. I just keep telling myself and Butterfly that someone has him in their home tonight. He has eaten a big dinner and is now snuggled up sleeping.

It is hard to manage the range of emotion we feel right now butwe are still happy to be at the new house. The kids have actually adjusted extremely well. Butterfly tells me often that she loves her new house. Brother says he "loves the neighborhood." Losing Peter is not what any of us need right now- we are so worried about him. It is so horrible. I have to imagine him safe.

Rough Days

TH past few days have been rough. Butterfly Girl has been acting so defiant and disrespectful. Not that I need her to be 100% compliant but everything is met with an argument, question or down right rudeness. I think Partner and I go threw waves of patience and then waves of frustration. Fortunately, the waves seem to happen at different times and one of us always is riding the patient wave.

Last night it was getting late and Butterfly kept stalling- not wanting to go to bed.  She began to throw a huge tantrum, screaming that she hates me and that I am stupid. Then she kicked me, hit me and scratched me. But through it all, I remained calm and eventually got her into her bed. I thought "wow, I did it!" But then it started again. She told me to get out and she only wanted mommy. She got out of bed and ran to Partner, refusing to let go, screaming loud enough to wake the neighbors in a four block radius. I was still focused and in the moment...not taking any of it personal... trying to talk through it.  Then she came over to me, balled up her little fist and punched me square on the nose. It really hurt. My NVC went out the window. I yelled "do not punch me in the face!" and walked away. Of course, that sent her completely over the edge. 

I felt bad for yelling. Sometimes when she begins to get physical I really don't know what to do. I can only negotiate with her for so long while she hits, scratches, spits, bites and kicks.  The yelling I can deal with but the other - I am at a complete loss.  One it hurts. Two, I can't just walk away because I am scared she will hurt herself. If I try to physically hold her, it almost always makes it worse. But it seems like, in those moments, she needs someone more than ever but her little body just won't let her get close or ask for help. I can see in her eyes that she knows it has escalated too far but she is liked a caged wild animal. She gets terrified and works herself into a frenzied state where she sometimes begins to hyperventilate. her mind starts working into a frenzy too. 

Last night she completely lost focus of where this had all started---it started over not wanting to go to bed. She was screaming she was scared of me and that I was always mean and never let her be in charge. In the beginning of the tantrum, I had calmly tried to remind her that it was my job to help set limits that were healthy for her including getting her to bed so she can get enough sleep. But by the end of the tantrum, after she punched me, it was like she had completely forgotten that this had all started because of not wanting to go to bed. It was all about me being a horrible, scary parent. And she said she wished she had never been born.  It always breaks my heart when she says that. It is so horrible. I so much wanted to just hold her but she wasn't ready even after we both calmed down. Of course, I apologized for yelling.  She hid under her pillow, holding Partner and she would not look at me. If I could take it all back I would. 

Sometimes I just don't know if she understands that it is never okay to hit or use your body to hurt someone. I feel like she just doesn't take it seriously - sometimes this no consequences method is really challenging. I was frustrated from being kicked, scratched and hit but was still trying to stay with her in the moment and work through it.  I was shocked when she punched me after I had been trying so hard to remain grounded and patient through the huge tantrum. 

It has been escalating for a few days now and we couldn't seem to get through to her the past few days. She has been so defiant and rude. Maybe it has to do with the emotions around moving. However, I think it mainly has to do with NVC.  She is encouraged to say what she needs. She does not have to "share" anything just to be polite. She does not even have to be polite - at least not just for the sake of being polite. She does not get consequences any more (or we try our best not to give her consequences).  She is encouraged to offer different solutions, plans, etc. to whatever we propose- and we listen to it and take it seriously.  All that is a big shift for all of us. And, she has not yet found a way (most of the time) to balance her needs with the needs of others. It is all about her. The obnoxious stage is what Rosenberg calls it. 

All that said, these tantrums are much less frequent. The "attitude" is pretty much on all the time but not the physical outbursts. We just have to keep the patience and see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will get through.  I just pray for a little extra patience. And it always helps me if I can find some humor in it.  

It helps that she has her wonderful school to balance it. The other evening we were talking about the people we love. She said, "You know who I love? Traci (that is one of her teachers).  I love her like a mom."  Still doesn't look good for the school. There is a big meeting this evening. The school council is recommending that we stop pursuing the charter extension (which means no more school) and focus our energies in getting a charter for a new (somewhat different) school passed. We vote on it tomorrow. I think I will listen to the wisdom of the people that have been so involved in this process and vote accordingly. But I am so sad to lose this school.  And I am disgusted that the school system cannot recognize the value of a learning environment that fosters emotional intelligence and community values. I hate the cookie cutter approach. I am appalled that our elected officials, school board members and others are so blinded by politics and bureaucracy. There is much to be done in this world.

Moving

We have to move. We are excited about it. Butterfly seems to be excited too. But of course there are a range of emotions that go with moving. Yesterday she had a rough day at school. After phone calls from the Teacher, Partner went to hang out at school with Butterfly. That made the rest of day go smoothly.

When I got home that night, I asked Butterfly why she thought she had a hard time at school (and reminded her that she was not in trouble). I asked her is she was having a lot of feelings about the move. Very matter of fact, she said "Yup. I am." And then she was off playing again. I think we will be able to help her transition through this move much easier now that we have this new way of communicating. I still think it will be rough. Brother also seems to be having some difficulties. Butterfly knows what moving is- she has done it several times. Brother - not so much. 

Fortunately, we are very close to our current house. We have explained that she will stay in the same school, visit with the same friends, go to the same playgrounds... She seems to trust that will happen. We have visited the new house several times with them too. Butterfly is excited that there are sidewalks where she can ride her scooter. She also pointed out to me that we are very close to Airport Park (we are in the flight path). She loves that playground.

Yesterday morning when Partner was packing some boxes she stood looking around the room. Partner asked her what she was thinking and she said "Just checking to make sure all my stuff is still here".  I think after a week or two in the new house it will really hit and then we might have some issues. At one point she told me she would miss her bed and toys. I reminded her that everything is coming with us. So then she told me that she will miss the blue ceiling fan. Well, we can't bring that. I told her that I have some things I will miss too. It is okay to be sad. But I am also excited about the things at the new house- like a fireplace where we can roast marshmallows and a yard where we can camp out. She said she will like that too.

Thinking of Back-Up Plans

There is some change that is so subtle that is happening with Butterfly Girl. besides the great success at school and significant behavior changes I am noticing something more subtle. It is almost a different energy. I hear her say okay more often. I notice that when things start to erupt I can still get through to her - I can help her stay grounded. She is able to "come back" and talk through it. She is so much more relaxed and patient. Don't get me wrong- she is still Butterfly Girl with all her defiance and sensitivity wrapped in to one little bundle- it just seems maybe the bundle isn't wrapped so tightly now. 

I am so worried about the school. I really can't figure out what we will do. Tonight we are going (hopefully) to a party with some of the parents from the school. They are going to have a fire and a  drumming circle- try to raise some good energy for the school. Part of me just doesn't want to think about it at all. The other part says I need to be realistic and imagine the worst case scenario happened so we can create a back up plan for our little Butterfly Girl. it is completely overwhelming and consuming when I do think about it. I can't bear telling this little girl that she has to move schools again. I feel like that will be such a let down for her. A violation of her trust in us. If the school closes, I have to hope that she has gained enough of a foundation to be able to hold onto what she has learned. It pains me so much. 

There is no way we will send her back to a regular school. I don't know where else we could send her though. Maybe home school... I am wondering if some of the other families might choose homeschooling- we could all still meet for playdates, field trips, learning groups, etc... Some of the parents are just checking with their local schools and that just isn't an option for Butterfly. I have to believe that the best thing will work out for us. In the meantime, we have to fight for it. 

We still have not said anything to Butterfly about it- we won't until summer when we have a plan. I just can't imagine what that will do to her. I feel like it is our fault somehow- we should have been more thoughtful or protective...planned better. Would we have gone to this school if we knew the charter was going to be pulled? We did know it was a possibility. But, when I look back I still have to say yes, we would have moved to this school. We could not stay at her old school. We were at the end of the line there. I guess no matter what happens, this has introduced us to a wonderful community, to NVC and to humanistic approach to education. And that has been extremely valuable.

The other day we got a call from School to come pick up Butterfly. She had bitten someone (that is a new one) and was having a very hard time. Teacher told her that she was going to have go home because biting was not okay, etc... Butterfly did not want to leave school and was scratching a spiting. Partner headed out to pick her up. However, on the way, Teacher called and said don't come- something amazing is happening. Apparently, Butterfly and one of the little girls she had gotten into it with were sitting down and talking through it. 

Butterfly told the girl that she had been crying the night before because the little girl was not nice to her and gave her mean looks and did not include her. Then the other little girl shared that she did not like it when Butterfly made noises (sometimes Butterfly will make noises that can be very disrupting). They went on talking and ended up making an agreement with each other. Butterfly asked her to tell her when she was making noises that bothered the little girl and she would stop. Then they started talking about their families- the little girl shared that she used to have a mom and dad but that her dad now lived in another house and that was hard. Butterfly shared that she had two moms and a little brother. 

They continued talking and playing together for the rest of the afternoon. It was a huge turning point for Butterfly that both helped her see how to work through things with words and also how to listen to someone else's needs and I think it also made her feel more accepted. It was so wonderful- she seemed so relaxed and at ease later that evening. I know it meant so much to her- I think she might have even been a little proud of herself. This school is amazing.

We are very concerned about the School. I don't think it looks good. It is really just too overwhelming to spend much time thinking about it. I really have no idea what we will do if it closes. 

Butterfly was so present tonight. She played with Brother and they got along great for the most part. At one point they became upset but when I asked Butterfly to explain what she needed to Bother it eventually cleared up....they worked it out themselves.  And later, I asked her how her day was and she said "I had fun at school. Sooo much fun!" This morning she had a dentist appointment. She actually asked if she was missing school because she wanted to be there. I can't imagine having to tell that little girl again that she has to change schools. And I don't know where we will find a school that is able to compare. I will never send her back into the regular system.  I don't know what we will do.

Charter Extension Meeting

This afternoon we meet to discuss the charter at Butterfly's school. I am interested to see how well organized it is, who we have on our team, etc. I can't believe this is happening. I have been talking to all my contacts- a few people know folks on the Board of Ed or in the Superintendents office. We have to keep this school.

Another Twist

Butterfly Girl's re-entrance meeting after her Reflection Day was a great experience- both for Butterfly and Partner. They arrived a few minutes before the meeting so Partner could speak with Principal. Turns out, he was running late, so the meeting was with one of her Teachers and the Communication Specialist.  Partner started in by letting them know what kind of experience Butterfly had in the past. They quickly understood what she was saying and to help decrease the power dynamics, they suggested everyone sit on the floor so they were all on the same level. Apparently, Butterfly remained in the rocking chair for a few minutes but then joined them on the floor without coercion.

They talked about the Reflection Day and about her agreement. Butterfly participated (which is incredible on its own!) by sharing which teacher she felt safest with and would approach first if she felt like she was beginning to have a hard time controlling her body. She also identified another teacher to approach if the first one was not available. She asked that the school call her Mom when she started to feel that way.   The meeting wasn't long but it was such a significant turning point for Butterfly. She did not feel like she was in trouble. She felt like people were there to help her and that they cared about what she needed in those moments. I think Butterfly took a little leap of faith and decided to trust the people in the room. That has to be healing for her. She has held on to so much distrust and anger from the other school(s).  

I am not expecting a miracle- I am hoping that she will remember her agreement when she begins to feel out of synch with her body - but, most importantly, I know her Teachers will remember. And they will be there to help her through the next moment by reminding Butterfly of her agreement. Over time, Butterfly will begin to trust more knowing that she is safe there. I believe that will allow her to begin to ask for help before things escalate. And that is a lesson she can carry with her for the rest of her life. 

Butterfly went on to have a great day at school. An older friend invited Butterfly to come to her classroom in the afternoon. The kids can go visit other classrooms during the day if they are invited by a student in the class and the Teacher says okay. Butterfly was ecstatic when she told me about it that evening. I was too.  I was glad she had a friend that wanted to spend time with her.  I know how much that means to Butterfly. Slowly, it is all coming together. I am so grateful for this school.

So, it was heartbreaking to find out that afternoon that our school might lose it's charter next year. That means no more wonderful school. We just can't believe it. It is always something. However, I am reminded that things always work out for us - even when we think we are at a complete dead end. We will fight for the school.  I have written letters to all the members of the Board of Education. I will attend a meeting Tuesday afternoon.  I will talk to my representatives. We will not let them take away our school. Partner and I have already decided we will not send Butterfly back into a standard classroom.  That means we cannot let our school go away. It has saved Butterfly from a life of psychiatric diagnosis, special ed, medications and whatever else. We do not know of any other schools that offer this kind of educational approach (humanistic) along with NVC in our area. We have to keep our school. I am ready for a good fight.

Reflection Day

Yesterday, Butterfly Girl was sent home from school for a Reflection Day. She was cycling really high- unable to control her body. She scratched a teacher, threw some dominoes and a few other things. She was also acting super silly. It is like on the inside she is cycling so fast she can't focus on any one thing- she giggles, throws her body around, makes noises. Sometimes when she gets like that I just want to hold her tight to keep her from hurting herself or someone else.

So, we got the call from Teacher to come get her. She explained that because there was so much physical stuff happening she thought it best if Butterfly leave for a reflection day to assure the safety of the other students. When Partner was leaving with Butterfly, Teacher told Butterfly that she was not mad at her. I think this is key for Butterfly. On the way home, Partner told Butterfly that she was not in trouble or  mad at her either. When she walked in the door, I told her I wasn't mad at her either. This is a much different way than we have handle it in the past- often reacting with anger, frustration, handing out consequences, etc. - this is something new we have learned at this school.

I asked her if she knew why she had been sent home but she was still too out of synch to respond much. I told her that the school needs to keep everyone safe including her and the other kids. She was given a Reflection Day so we could talk about what happened and make an agreement about what to do next time she feels this way. 

Partner had been given a piece of paper to fill out with Butterfly  and then bring back to school toady. They will meet with the Principal to review the plan that Butterfly has worked out. Later, when Butterfly had slowed down a little, I showed Butterfly the paper and talked about going to see the Principal in the morning. She immediately acted out- trying to grab the paper, calling it stupid, yelling no!   From the previous interactions with Principals and just school in general, Butterfly is extremely anxious whenever she "gets in trouble."  We have to change that way of thinking here- to let her know that she is not "in trouble" but that it is important for everyone to be safe at school. To remind her that we want to work with her to help be sure that happens. 

After some time, Partner got her to sit and talk through the questions and create an agreement to be shared with Principal this morning- I imagine wake-up time will be very difficult today when she remembers she needs to talk with the Principal. Partner is going to try to slip into his office before the meeting to make sure he is aware of her past experiences with Principals, getting "in trouble", etc. How this is handled today could be a major turning point for Butterfly. 

Late yesterday, Butterfly and I were running an errand. I asked her if there was anything different about how things happened at this school on rough days versus her old school. From the back seat, she exclaimed "Yes!" I asked how is it different? She responded, without hesitation, "They were all nice. They wanted to help. That made me feel good."  And, of course, that made me feel good.

Butterfly in Five

I think I have identified the stage of developing emotional responsibility that Butterfly Girl appears to be deeply immersed in. Emotional responsibility refers to accepting full responsibility of our own feelings but not the feeling of others while remaining empathetic and aware of the other persons emotions and needs.

In his book on Non Violent Communication, Dr. Rosenburg describes three stages that most people go through when learning to be emotionally responsible- 1. "emotional slavery"- believing we are responsible for other people's feelings,  2) "the obnoxious stage"- where we do not admit to caring what anyone else needs or wants and,  3) "emotional liberation"  where we accept full responsibility for own feelings but not others feelings while recognizing that our needs can never be met at the expense of others. 

All that said- I believe we have entered stage 2 - the obnoxious stage! Dr. Rosenburg talks about his own daughter entering this stage.  He had been talking with her about the fact that her needs were important and valuable and not to sacrifice expressing them to "make someone happy". This is particularly important for girls growing up in our society because historically girls are taught to put their needs last and to be the "caretakers". At any rate, he got a call from his daughter school. She had worn overalls to school and the Principal told her that was inappropriate clothing for a young girl to which she replied "Fuck off!"  Dr. Rosenberg talked about how excited he was to get that call. His daughter had finally entered the obnoxious stage! She was willing to express herself despite the fact the other person might become angry. Of course, he also knew it was time to begin helping his daughter move through to the next stage.

At any rate, I am finding Butterfly still teeters between stage one and two. But I embrace this movement away from her feeling like she needs to behave or say certain things to make me or someone else happy or proud.  Not to say this isn't a little trying on my patience- it does have a flair of obnoxiousness like when she tells me to stop practicing my mandolin because I am not good at it and I am making her ears hurt. But I see a new Butterfly beginning to emerge - one that will be stronger and self-confident because of her own sense of self--- valuing her needs and being in touch with her emotions. 

I realize what a delicate time this is- I think it is a critical stage that all girls enter at some point. However, many are shut down instead of being encouraged to express their thoughts and needs. They end up gogin back to stage one- often living their whole lives in emotional slavery. Girls are shut down- taught that their job is to "behave" and be polite and think about how everything they do and say impacts the other person. They are taught to monitor their words to accommodate the other person. They are rewarded for playing nicely, for taking care of their dolls, their friends and often their parents.

I want to help usher Butterfly through this stage to a healthy place where she can express her needs while understanding the  real emotional needs behind other peoples words. I do wonder at times what we are "creating" with this new language. These days I can always tell a kid that is somehow connected to NVC community- and although I don't come across them too often  outside of school, I am always on the look-out for these "little Buddhas"- ready to teach me something new in the most unexpected moments.  

The other day at the park I was redirecting Brother who was intent on crossing over a high hanging web apparatus on a jungle gym built for 6 - 11 yr olds. A 10 year old girl spoke up and said, "He can do it- there is a rope to hang onto."  I glanced over at her, a little annoyed and said "No, I don't feel comfortable with him crossing. It is too high" The little girl said "But, won't you be standing right there? You could catch him if he started to fall.  He wants to try it." More than a little annoyed now, I turned to her and said "No. It is not safe and I don't want him to cross."  I thought who is this kid talking to me like she is some kind of an adult?!  What does she know anyway? And then she responded, "Okay, I respect your decision. I wanted to be sure you were thinking about his needs." And then she scrambled down the jungle gym and was off running carefree cross the field.  

Wow. Where did she come from!? I still didn't let Brother cross because it wasn't safe. But, I thought to myself, is that my little Butterfly Girl in 5 years? Confident, well-spoken, not afraid to share her thoughts or opinions with any adult, not afraid to question authority, not a slave to anther person's reaction to her words, free to express herself?  I hope so... and I wished at that moment that I had stopped an engaged with this little kid- I probably could have learned something.

Building Confidence

Butterfly Girl is making such significant changes in the way she relates to people and handles her emotions. There is an 8th grader at her school that she really likes to play with at lunchtime. The 8th grader loves to tickle Butterfly and Butterfly has told me she does not like that. I talked with the girl once about it several weeks ago and it stopped happening. 

However, just recently it started again. Butterfly told me she still didn't like it and asked me to say something again. She said she was too shy to say something to her older friend. There are a million reasons why I want... need her to be able to say it herself.  I want her to build confidence telling adults and older kids that something they are doing it not okay with her...it is something she has always struggled with.  She is so afraid of making someone "mad" at her or disappointing someone. It is such a dangerous trait- being afraid to say "no" and it makes me so worried for her sometimes.

We talked about it and she was not willing to talk to her friend directly so we decided Partner would handle it. That morning Partner was unable to connect with the girl so we knew it would have to wait till the next day.  When I came home that night, Butterfly told me that earlier in the day she did it herself! She told her friend she did not like to be tickled and told her to stop. And, she said the girl said "okay" and stopped. She said "she wasn't even mad."  I think that one little step has increased Butterfly's confidence tremendously. Now, we just need to keep building on it. 

This afternoon we our second student-led parent/teacher conference. I love this school. And Butterfly told me yesterday that she loved it too. She has really started writing. She said at school they told her to just sound it out and it doesn't have to be spelled like in the dictionary. Little signs have begun to pop up around the house...most often reminders for me and Partner of toys that she or brother want... it is pretty cute.  She also just lost her first tooth. She is growing up. I feel so good that she has this school community to help her grow emotionally too.

I thought I would have to wait awhile for an opportunity to talk with Butterfly about having a dad. But it has come up twice just in the past couple days. Once when she was playing princess and calling me "Father". I asked her how she felt about not having a father. She said sad. She said that is why she likes to play "father" sometimes. So we talked about it for a few minutes and I told her that we could talk about it any time... and that she did not have to be afraid to bring it up. I actually sensed some relief from her- like something unnamed had finally been brought in to the open. Or maybe I am projecting my own feelings.

It came up again a day or two later. We were at the corner store talking to the owner about our weekend. The owner said something to Butterfly Girl about how lucky she was to have a mom and dad to take her to the snow. I probably didn't handle it right...I didn't say to the store owner "she has two moms". I just finished paying and we left.  On the walk home I asked Butterfly how that made her feel. She just kind of shrugged. I told her that people make lots of assumptions about families and reminded her that we are all different and that is okay. 

Maybe I should have said something to the owner. Not sure why I didn't.I imagine it is partly out of fear of rejection... I don't want Butterfly to see the owner change the way she interacts with us or whatever. And partly I just don't like to deal with it- it is like coming out all the time- sometimes I just get tired of correcting people.   I will have to figure that out for myself at some point. I should probably make a point of it when I am with the kids though...just to model for them. They will have to do that their whole lives too.

Daddies and Brothers

I spoke with Therapist about Butterfly Girl not wanting to go back to him. He asked how she was doing in other areas and I could reply honestly that she was doing so much better. I asked him if he thought there was some deep dark secret that was causing her so much pain. He was cautious about making too many assumptions with only seeing her 5 times but when I pressed him he said that he thought it might be two things.

First, Butterfly might be harboring some really strong  feelings about little Brother that are not so nice. Therapist said he thinks she is acutely aware of her feelings but unable to process some of them because of her age. If she is experiencing some really strong feelings that are not nice, she might be scared to talk about them. The feelings themselves might be scary to her. She is in conflict because she has feelings of love and protectiveness for Brother but other times she is very, very angry with him. That makes sense to me.

Second, Butterfly might be having a sense of sadness around not having a dad. Again, this might be something she is unable to process because she is not even clear why she is mad or sad...and also, she might not want to talk about it because she is trying to protect us- not hurt our feelings.  I pointed out that a lot of kids today grow up without daddy. He said yes, but not with two moms. Could she really be processing this at so young an age? Therapist thinks she has been trying to process for awhile. 

I remembered back to Butterfly's preschool and the day she came home in tears because the kids had been teasing her that she didn't have a daddy. I remembered another Teacher singling her out when the kids made Fathers Day cards- reminding her in front of the other kids that she did not have a dad and would have to find something else to do (we learned to talk to Teachers ahead of time to ensure that Teachers could address the whole class to make something for their Dad or Grandpa or Poppa, etc... use it is an opportunity to help children recognize all families look different). I thought about all the movies, tv shows, books, daily interactions that normalize having a dad/father. I thought about the way she and Brother like to call me Father sometimes...

I wondered how many missed opportunities I had where I didn't stop and really talk to her about it. I think in part due to my fear that she will ask about it and I won't handle it right. Long ago, we decided that we would tell the kids who the Donor is so they could have the connection. He is a very dear friend and we want that circle to be complete for the kids. But honestly, I get overwhelmed just thinking about what that might bring up in her. Maybe she feels that from me. I won't run from it anymore. 

I think Therapist is probably right on target with both his assessments. I asked him what to do. He suggested I look for opportunities to bring up both things in context. For example, the next time we see some kids hanging out with their dad. Or we see an older kid playing with a younger sibling. 

After the call, I told Butterfly Girl that Therapist and I had a long talk and that we both agree that she does not have to go see Therapist right now. I told her that Therapist would really like to keep seeing her but understands if she chooses not go back right now. If she ever needs or wants to go talk with him or someone else, I will arrange it. She said okay. Right now she just wants me and mommy to help her. Internally, I say a little prayer hoping that we will have the insight and wisdom to be there for her in the ways she needs it. But, as obvious as his all seems to me after Therapist laid it out, I never really connected the dots the he did. I feel like we have something concrete to move forward with- something to help Butterfly identify and feel safe expressing her feelings about. I think we are all ready.

What a great long weekend.  It was wonderful to be home. We went on a beautiful hike with kids and parents from Butterfly's school. We rode scooters all over the neighborhood and through huge puddles (it rained). We baked banana bread and brownies and made popcorn balls (sort of).  We painted beautiful pictures and read stories. We went to a birthday party. We went to the beach.  I could live my whole life like this but today it is back to work for and back to school for the kids.

We did have our ups and downs. I had to remove Butterfly from stores on three different occasions. Butterfly's energy was over the top and she was not listening. She does need to be safe in stores and she does need to listen when I tell her something is not working for me or I have a limit.  I was able to stop myself and decide why I was reacting- was it because of others disapproving glares? Nope. It was because she almost knocked over a 40 bottle stack of Absolut vodka. Hopefully, the third time will stick with her and future trips to the store will be easier to manage for all of us.

Tonight is Therapist night. He called me last week but I didn't get a chance to actually talk with him. His message said that he thinks some feelings might be coming up for her and that is why she does not want to go. I agree. However, I will not put Butterfly in the car screaming and kicking and fighting to drive her to a therapist to "talk". That doesn't sit right with me. 

It is interesting because not too long ago that is exactly what I would have done- I would have told myself it was for her own good. I don't even begin to pretend I know which is best.   I would love it if she would go- I think it would be helpful for Butterfly. But if she isn't ready...couldn't it be more damaging?  If parenting is anything, it is humbling. I am flying in the dark 90% of the time. I have no idea what is best anymore. My opinions and judgements have all blurred into a mass of gray.

Maybe I should listen to Therapist. He is the professional.  But I know Butterfly better. I feel like this is such a significant decision in her short little life that could potentially impact the rest of her life. Aren't we always hearing about people that remember ____ when they were 5 years old and how that has shaped their lives today..... I feel all this pressure to make the right decision- like we are standing at a fork in the road. But I remind myself that the most important thing is to make decisions with an open mind and with love. Or as Butterfly sometimes reminds me- I don't have to be perfect I just have to do the best I can.

Back to the Roots...

I am reading a book by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn tittled "Mindful Parenting".  It is a great book - always makes me think and pushes me to try parenting in a different way.  Recently, I was reading about consciously identifying our actions, examining and understanding them- including where they  originated. 

I have come to realize that it is not so much that I struggle with Butterfly expressing herself but instead I struggle with how it appears to others-   like at the playground or a neighbor or another child. I realized that when no one else is around, I can work with the tantrums and other types of behavior. But, if I am in the store parking lot, I immediately become focused on how others are perceiving us. I "believe" that children should behave a certain way when in public- relatively calm, following directions, polite (excuse me and thank you), etc.  And I realized these expectations are things I have put on her (and Brother).  

I think this stems from being raised to be polite, to stand quietly when adults are talking, to eat whatever is served, to say hello, thank you, sorry because it is polite and expected (even if you don't mean it or like it). I think alot of us are raised that way. I see it all the time.  "Say hello to Johnny."  "your friend is a visitor in your  home- please share your toy or we will have to ask your friend to leave."  "Say thank you" "Say I am sorry" "sit down, we are in a restaurant."  "be quiet." on and on... We also tell ourselves that we are teaching our children how to interface in the correct way with the world but often at the expense of asking our children to suppress or ignore how they are feeling. And often without providing other options and outlets for our children.

Through this study of NVC, I am recognizing that I have placed this expectation of politeness and orderly behavior on Butterfly in situations when others are around.  I am concerned with how things "appear" and keeping things "nice". And I often ignore Butterfly's feelings and needs in a given situation while expecting her to be polite, friendly and thoughtful.   In turn, I have been teaching Butterfly to deny feelings if they are not positive, friendly and polite. 

Next time I am in the grocery store and Butterfly is running up and down the aisles and singing loudly, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop myself and acknowledge that I am worrying what everyone else in the store is thinking. I am going to let go of my expectation that she talk in a quiet voice and walk in an orderly fashion next to the cart.

And then I am going to look at what is really going on for her- is she hungry? is she tired? is she bored because she has been running errands with me? is she mad because I am caught up in buying groceries and I am not present with her? Is she just happy and excited, enjoying an audience?  

And I am going to remind myself what values are most important to me.  I am going to remind myself that appearances are not the most important thing to me- connecting and engaging with my child- that is what is truly important to me. 

And, maybe next time, I will start singing with her....

Community

Teacher told me Butterfly had a great day yesterday. One of Butterfly's goals this year is to learn to jump the big jump rope. Yesterday, she had some success. When I came to school that afternoon she was practice both swinging the rope for others and jumping it. She was very happy. Who knew jump rope could be so much fun?

The School had the monthly K/1/2 meeting after school let out so Brother and Butterfly played while Partner and I went to the meeting. I did not get to go the one last month so this was my first time. It is mandatory for all parents with kids in K/1/2/ but few people were there. Probably has everything to do with the meeting being held at 330 PM on a weekday. However, there were a group of us. WE practiced NVC, asked questions and got updates on school stuff from the Teachers.  I enjoyed myself tremendously.

This school is so different. After the meeting, I was watching the kids on the playground. These kids don't have "bling" and in LA that is pretty amazing. I was talking to someone the other day whose 1st grader has been begging for an iPhone because "everyone else at school has them, even the kindergartners!"  The kids at Butterfly's old school were also much more mainstream, consumer oriented. I feel very fortunate our family got to break from that before it ate us alive- it can be hard to resist- especially in Los Angeles for some reason.

The kids at our School now are just a little different in their styles and presentation. And that doesn't mean that everyone is just dressing in expensive grunge. Even the 7/8 graders are different than other middle schoolers. The other day one of the middle schoolers slipped on the black top. All the other middle schoolers stopped what they were doing and helped her. They didn't laugh at her. Or tease her. Or leave her sitting there.  

There is just some underlying thing that is a little different. I can't put my finger on it yet.  The kids are just really close- maybe because it is such a small school and they grow up together since kindergarten. THere is a real sense of community, caring and looking out for each other. Maybe it is almost like a church family- that is a little of what it reminds me of at School. I think if I got sick, someone would bring me a casserole. I like that feeling.

The Best Therapy

We never made it to Therapist last night. I left work early to pickup Butterfly. Lately, our usual Tuesday evening consists of Butterfly and I driving to the Therapist's part of town (Beverly HIlls), parking, walking to corner coffee shop to get warm cocoa and then up to the ninth floor of a big glass building to see Therapist for 45 minutes.

When I arrived home to pick up Butterfly she was quietly sitting in the den. She was ready to go....until I actually said "let's go!" She quietly said "I don't want to go. I don't like him." I said "come on. Every Tuesday we do this. Let's just go , we can talk in the car."  She began crying, screaming, yelling- "I don't want to go! I hate him! Please don't make me go!"

I was somewhat prepared because this has happened almost every week we have gone to Therapist. I followed her to the kitchen where she threw herself down on the floor, big tears streaming down her face. I started my NVC speak. The problem was I didn't know what I needed her to do.

Should I make her go? Should I make her talk to him on the phone? Should I tell her she can stay home this week? What do I want her to learn from this moment?

Is this a life lesson for her- one in discipline, one in facing challenges? That it is important to keep appointments? That not everything in life is fun but you have to do it anyway? That even when things seem scary and overwhelming, if you face them you often feel better/ accomplished? That even with the mother of all tantrums, she still is not going to "win"? Isn't it obvious she needs therapy if it is this difficult just to go to therapy?

Or is this a lesson in learning to acknowledge feelings of discomfort or sadness or anger- long buried in her little heart? Maybe she feels "different" because she has to see Therapist- Butterfly doesn't do well with feelings of difference. Maybe feelings or something are coming up for her during therapy that she is scared to face. Should I be teaching her it is important to learn to talk about your feelings- even ones that are scary. That it is okay to ask for help? That when things begin to get real, you don't run, you confront them and begin to heal?

Or is it so much more simple? What does she really need from me in this moment? Butterfly, in this moment, needs to be heard. She needs to learn that her feelings are important. She needs to learn that I trust her needs. She needs to learn that expressing herself verbally, sharing her emotions, is respected in this house.  After all, emotional literacy is what we are all working on here- therapy or no therapy. 

I don't want to teach her to become "other-oriented" focusing on making things ok for others in her life.  I don't want to teach her that her feelings are not valid- that she needs to stuff them and walk into Therapist office, behave politely for 45 minutes and leave.  I don't want to teach her my feelings are more important than hers. I want her to know how she feels, what she needs, what she wants. Butterfly isn't here to meet my needs. I am here to meet her needs. 

Is the most valuable lesson in this moment actually for me? I need to let go of all my expectations of how to be in the world. I need to let go of the $200 Therapist will charge me even though we didn't set foot in the office. I need to let go of the idea that Butterfly is "winning" by not having to go...or that I am teaching her that having tantrums is ok. I need to recognize that she told me calmly at first that she did not want to go but she didn't feel heard because I kept pushing her out the door- that I played a part in how this escalated.

I need to stop, I need to look at this little girl, I need to really listen, I need to let her know I value her feelings and needs. I need to call Therapist and tell him we won't be coming. I need to thank Butterfly for being brave enough to share her feelings.  I need to apologize for  dragging her to Therapist the past few weeks and not hearing her. And then I need to hang out with my family. Isn't that sometimes the best therapy?

To Mom....

From "The Blue Jay's Dance" by Louise Erdrich

"My hands reach down, trembling with anger, reach toward the needy child, but instead of roughly managing her they close gently as a whisper on her body. As though I am somehow physically enlarged, I draw her to me, breathing deeply. The tension drops away. At this moment, I am invested not with my own thin, worn endurance, but with my mother's patience. This is a gift she has given me from far away. Her hands have poured it into me. The hours she soothed me and the deep quiet in which I have watched her rock, nurse and comfort my brothers and sisters have passed invisibly into me. This gift has lain within me all my life, like a bird in a nest, waiting until the moment my hands need the soft strength of wings."

Thank you mom for your gifts that I carry with me today and pass on to my daughter, Butterfly Girl.

Everything I Need

Yesterday at School, Butterfly started crying. She told Partner she was sad because no one liked her. She had no friends. It is very painful to see her so upset. 

Of course, I think Butterfly is a wonderful, insightful, funny, beautiful, inquisitive kid and can't figure out why the other kids don't connect with her. At least the kids at this school. All in all there have been very few instances of aggression at this school. It is certainly not because she is shy with kids. I think it partly has to do with Butterfly starting mid year so all the kids already knew each other. And she does hear a different drummer. 

It breaks my heart when I see her trying to engage with a group of kids- waiting with a hopeful look on her face...smiling and wanting to engage so bad...but inevitably something happens. The other day she was desperate to play with a group of girls who were jump roping.  They said she could jump rope with them- her face lit up, she was so proud. Then, while jump roping her rope hit another little girl on accident.  The whole group stopped and told her she could not play with them anymore. She ran off crying. She is so sensitive. I know it is something she needs to learn to manage in a healthier way but sometimes I just want her to catch a break. 

Tonight Butterfly goes to Therapist.  I hope that it is without incident. I want this to work for her. The School. The Therapist. Friends. I try to remain in the moment. It is is easier to manage fear and disappointment and worry in the moment. Because, in the moment,  I always realize I have everything I need. In the moment, I have my little family and lots of love.

Good Ol' Kids Stuff

Butterfly Girl had a good day yesterday despite the heavy rains that kept everyone inside at School. I asked her how she felt about staying inside all day and she immediately responded "I felt mad."  I wanted to jump up and give her a hug, swing her around the room and plant kisses on top of her head. 

I knew it was a sign of Butterfly's growing emotional literacy.  She didn't hesitate when I asked her. She didn't yell "I don't want to talk about it!" She didn't stick her tongue out and stomp off. She immediately responded with an identified feeling...and knowing Butterfly she very likely was mad about it. However, because she could identify the feeling so quickly, I think she had identified her feelings early- possibly at school. 

That is probably why Butterfly ended up having a good day at school without incident despite being cooped up inside all day. That would not have happened before. Rainy days were always days we could count on a call from her old School. Rainy days always culminated in a physical expression of emotions often on a classmate or Brother. Yesterday was smooth sailing. Not only that, Butterfly was happy and relaxed.  

If we had had to put Butterfly on some kind of psychiatric medications and I was seeing the improvements I have been seeing, I would be a walking commercial for the med.  Instead, the School and the NVC have changed our lives. We still have ups and downs but there is a completely different vibe in the house.  There are no long "talks" on the way to school reminding Butterfly to walk away if someone is mean to her, to keep her hands to herself, to ask to draw if she needs space, to squeeze her lovey (stuffed toy) if she feels like hurting someone, to try not to make noises at circle time, to remember to sit on her square on the rug, on and on and on.  Now, we just talk about stuff in the mornings- good ol kids stuff- about the bugs, or the five-eyed monster or why cars have four wheels or why the Sun and Moon are out at the same time.  It is a miracle and I am so grateful. 

Butterfly chose her electives yesterday. There were many choices including art, poetry, bookmaking, sports, etc. Butterfly chose Music and Architecture. She had a very hard time making her choice. The Music teacher came and did a preview of his class- he sang Country Roads- and then told the students they must sing if they are in his class. Butterfly chose that one right away. Butterfly loves to sing- her favorite artist right now is Shakira and she sings her songs loudly in the car.  Then she chose Architecture - a local architect comes in and they build things with legos. I was a little surprised she chose that but I am glad she did. Most of her art experience has been with drawing, painting, etc and something more dimensional will be interesting for her. The elective classes are with students from every grade so Butterfly will have all the way to 8th grade in her daily elective classes. I think Butterfly will really enjoy that. I love this school.

Brother's Day in the Sun

Brother had quite a morning at Butterfly's school. He often wonders out of the classroom and plays on the yard. He had been gone for a few minutes and Partner went to check on him. He was standing on top of the play structure...buck naked.  He was yelling at the tops of his lungs "I am naked!"

When partner tried to coax him to come down he scrambled down and then took off across the black top. It took five minutes to catch him and another five to convince him to dress.  Ahh. The joys of parenting.

Butterfly has had a rough week. It doesn't help that I am sick and have the patience of a rabid dog. I stayed home from work on Tuesday only to get a call from School. Butterfly was throwing things and grabbing other kids faces. While I was listening to Teacher explain this was the third time she had to remove Butterfly from the classroom that morning, I pulled my self out of bed and began to get ready to head to school and pick her up. But, Teacher said she just wanted me to talk with Butterfly on the phone. Ok...

Butterfly got on the phone. She was in super silly mode where she can't seem to get control of herself. She would only squeal and grunt into the phone. For a few minutes I just kept repeating things like "you sound very excited right now. Are you able to take a minute to talk with me?" and "I am feeling worried because Teacher told me you are very excited today and having a hard time being in the class with other kids. I need you to talk with me and make a plan for the rest of the day." Finally, she was able to refocus. She said she needed to "get her sillys out". We all agreed on a plan for her to go run around on the blacktop for 5 minutes and then do some brain gym (that is what they call the exercises they do at school to help transition from active to less active in the class- kind of like meditation/yoga). I hung up the phone with my fingers crossed.

About 20 minutes later, Teacher called back. Butterfly had followed the plan well but upon entering the classroom she picked up a box of markers and threw them at a group of kids. Teacher wanted me to come to School. I said to pick her up? Is she suspended? Teacher said no. She felt that Butterfly just needed some extra support today. She wanted me to come hang out at the school. Teacher said that she thinks sometimes Butterfly wants so badly to connect with the other kids but doesn't know how. She felt like throwing the markers was actually an effort to get into the group. I was so grateful in that moment. I was talking with a Teacher that was looking a Butterfly as a whole- not just her behavior in the moment. 

I went and spent the rest of the day at School. Again, a wonderful experience to see Butterfly in this setting. I have so much admiration for the Teachers at School. I learn so much every time I am there. The rest of the day went without incident. Yesterday, Butterfly had a good day. We will see what today holds.

I don't know everything...

On Monday at School Teacher told us that Butterfly will need to make a "commitment"with another student. Apparently the two of them are having challenges with each other. For the agreement, Butterfly and the other little girl will sit down and make a verbal commitment in their own words centering on how to coexist.  I wish I could be there for that. Anyway, I think it is a great way to handle it and I am anxiously waiting to see how it plays out. So much different than forcing apologies and separating and punishing like at the other school. Much more like real life- they are involved in how to make it work and will learn to coexist.

Butterfly told Partner that she wished Partner could stay at School more. It is hard for Partner because although Brother is welcomed, he has a much different agenda than the classroom which leads to disruption or Partner running around chasing him outside rather than being in the classroom. It is also lots of driving...there for drop off, then back across town to Brother's school, then back to Butterfly's school, etc through out the day. (we can't wait to move closer to School this summer.)

I have decided to begin to go in late to work and stay later once a week. That way, Partner can have at least one day with her attention fully focused on Butterfly. I will stay with Brother and take him to school at 11 AM. I am glad that Butterfly wants Partner there and so grateful that Partner can be there. She is already there every Friday all day and for every morning the rest of the week. What a difference.

The weekend with Partner's parents has been relatively smooth. Only Grandma was here yesterday. Butterfly and her went on a special date. We will spend this morning with them before they head back home.

Butterfly used her "I feel..." statement yesterday. Then she asked me, "Do you know what I am doing? I am practicing for School." Then we talked about learning this new "language". I told her I was having to practice and learn too. She reminded me again "I told you, you don't know everything!" How right she is...