Back to the Roots...

I am reading a book by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn tittled "Mindful Parenting".  It is a great book - always makes me think and pushes me to try parenting in a different way.  Recently, I was reading about consciously identifying our actions, examining and understanding them- including where they  originated. 

I have come to realize that it is not so much that I struggle with Butterfly expressing herself but instead I struggle with how it appears to others-   like at the playground or a neighbor or another child. I realized that when no one else is around, I can work with the tantrums and other types of behavior. But, if I am in the store parking lot, I immediately become focused on how others are perceiving us. I "believe" that children should behave a certain way when in public- relatively calm, following directions, polite (excuse me and thank you), etc.  And I realized these expectations are things I have put on her (and Brother).  

I think this stems from being raised to be polite, to stand quietly when adults are talking, to eat whatever is served, to say hello, thank you, sorry because it is polite and expected (even if you don't mean it or like it). I think alot of us are raised that way. I see it all the time.  "Say hello to Johnny."  "your friend is a visitor in your  home- please share your toy or we will have to ask your friend to leave."  "Say thank you" "Say I am sorry" "sit down, we are in a restaurant."  "be quiet." on and on... We also tell ourselves that we are teaching our children how to interface in the correct way with the world but often at the expense of asking our children to suppress or ignore how they are feeling. And often without providing other options and outlets for our children.

Through this study of NVC, I am recognizing that I have placed this expectation of politeness and orderly behavior on Butterfly in situations when others are around.  I am concerned with how things "appear" and keeping things "nice". And I often ignore Butterfly's feelings and needs in a given situation while expecting her to be polite, friendly and thoughtful.   In turn, I have been teaching Butterfly to deny feelings if they are not positive, friendly and polite. 

Next time I am in the grocery store and Butterfly is running up and down the aisles and singing loudly, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop myself and acknowledge that I am worrying what everyone else in the store is thinking. I am going to let go of my expectation that she talk in a quiet voice and walk in an orderly fashion next to the cart.

And then I am going to look at what is really going on for her- is she hungry? is she tired? is she bored because she has been running errands with me? is she mad because I am caught up in buying groceries and I am not present with her? Is she just happy and excited, enjoying an audience?  

And I am going to remind myself what values are most important to me.  I am going to remind myself that appearances are not the most important thing to me- connecting and engaging with my child- that is what is truly important to me. 

And, maybe next time, I will start singing with her....