Daddies and Brothers

I spoke with Therapist about Butterfly Girl not wanting to go back to him. He asked how she was doing in other areas and I could reply honestly that she was doing so much better. I asked him if he thought there was some deep dark secret that was causing her so much pain. He was cautious about making too many assumptions with only seeing her 5 times but when I pressed him he said that he thought it might be two things.

First, Butterfly might be harboring some really strong  feelings about little Brother that are not so nice. Therapist said he thinks she is acutely aware of her feelings but unable to process some of them because of her age. If she is experiencing some really strong feelings that are not nice, she might be scared to talk about them. The feelings themselves might be scary to her. She is in conflict because she has feelings of love and protectiveness for Brother but other times she is very, very angry with him. That makes sense to me.

Second, Butterfly might be having a sense of sadness around not having a dad. Again, this might be something she is unable to process because she is not even clear why she is mad or sad...and also, she might not want to talk about it because she is trying to protect us- not hurt our feelings.  I pointed out that a lot of kids today grow up without daddy. He said yes, but not with two moms. Could she really be processing this at so young an age? Therapist thinks she has been trying to process for awhile. 

I remembered back to Butterfly's preschool and the day she came home in tears because the kids had been teasing her that she didn't have a daddy. I remembered another Teacher singling her out when the kids made Fathers Day cards- reminding her in front of the other kids that she did not have a dad and would have to find something else to do (we learned to talk to Teachers ahead of time to ensure that Teachers could address the whole class to make something for their Dad or Grandpa or Poppa, etc... use it is an opportunity to help children recognize all families look different). I thought about all the movies, tv shows, books, daily interactions that normalize having a dad/father. I thought about the way she and Brother like to call me Father sometimes...

I wondered how many missed opportunities I had where I didn't stop and really talk to her about it. I think in part due to my fear that she will ask about it and I won't handle it right. Long ago, we decided that we would tell the kids who the Donor is so they could have the connection. He is a very dear friend and we want that circle to be complete for the kids. But honestly, I get overwhelmed just thinking about what that might bring up in her. Maybe she feels that from me. I won't run from it anymore. 

I think Therapist is probably right on target with both his assessments. I asked him what to do. He suggested I look for opportunities to bring up both things in context. For example, the next time we see some kids hanging out with their dad. Or we see an older kid playing with a younger sibling. 

After the call, I told Butterfly Girl that Therapist and I had a long talk and that we both agree that she does not have to go see Therapist right now. I told her that Therapist would really like to keep seeing her but understands if she chooses not go back right now. If she ever needs or wants to go talk with him or someone else, I will arrange it. She said okay. Right now she just wants me and mommy to help her. Internally, I say a little prayer hoping that we will have the insight and wisdom to be there for her in the ways she needs it. But, as obvious as his all seems to me after Therapist laid it out, I never really connected the dots the he did. I feel like we have something concrete to move forward with- something to help Butterfly identify and feel safe expressing her feelings about. I think we are all ready.