The Best Therapy

We never made it to Therapist last night. I left work early to pickup Butterfly. Lately, our usual Tuesday evening consists of Butterfly and I driving to the Therapist's part of town (Beverly HIlls), parking, walking to corner coffee shop to get warm cocoa and then up to the ninth floor of a big glass building to see Therapist for 45 minutes.

When I arrived home to pick up Butterfly she was quietly sitting in the den. She was ready to go....until I actually said "let's go!" She quietly said "I don't want to go. I don't like him." I said "come on. Every Tuesday we do this. Let's just go , we can talk in the car."  She began crying, screaming, yelling- "I don't want to go! I hate him! Please don't make me go!"

I was somewhat prepared because this has happened almost every week we have gone to Therapist. I followed her to the kitchen where she threw herself down on the floor, big tears streaming down her face. I started my NVC speak. The problem was I didn't know what I needed her to do.

Should I make her go? Should I make her talk to him on the phone? Should I tell her she can stay home this week? What do I want her to learn from this moment?

Is this a life lesson for her- one in discipline, one in facing challenges? That it is important to keep appointments? That not everything in life is fun but you have to do it anyway? That even when things seem scary and overwhelming, if you face them you often feel better/ accomplished? That even with the mother of all tantrums, she still is not going to "win"? Isn't it obvious she needs therapy if it is this difficult just to go to therapy?

Or is this a lesson in learning to acknowledge feelings of discomfort or sadness or anger- long buried in her little heart? Maybe she feels "different" because she has to see Therapist- Butterfly doesn't do well with feelings of difference. Maybe feelings or something are coming up for her during therapy that she is scared to face. Should I be teaching her it is important to learn to talk about your feelings- even ones that are scary. That it is okay to ask for help? That when things begin to get real, you don't run, you confront them and begin to heal?

Or is it so much more simple? What does she really need from me in this moment? Butterfly, in this moment, needs to be heard. She needs to learn that her feelings are important. She needs to learn that I trust her needs. She needs to learn that expressing herself verbally, sharing her emotions, is respected in this house.  After all, emotional literacy is what we are all working on here- therapy or no therapy. 

I don't want to teach her to become "other-oriented" focusing on making things ok for others in her life.  I don't want to teach her that her feelings are not valid- that she needs to stuff them and walk into Therapist office, behave politely for 45 minutes and leave.  I don't want to teach her my feelings are more important than hers. I want her to know how she feels, what she needs, what she wants. Butterfly isn't here to meet my needs. I am here to meet her needs. 

Is the most valuable lesson in this moment actually for me? I need to let go of all my expectations of how to be in the world. I need to let go of the $200 Therapist will charge me even though we didn't set foot in the office. I need to let go of the idea that Butterfly is "winning" by not having to go...or that I am teaching her that having tantrums is ok. I need to recognize that she told me calmly at first that she did not want to go but she didn't feel heard because I kept pushing her out the door- that I played a part in how this escalated.

I need to stop, I need to look at this little girl, I need to really listen, I need to let her know I value her feelings and needs. I need to call Therapist and tell him we won't be coming. I need to thank Butterfly for being brave enough to share her feelings.  I need to apologize for  dragging her to Therapist the past few weeks and not hearing her. And then I need to hang out with my family. Isn't that sometimes the best therapy?