In his book on Non Violent Communication, Dr. Rosenburg describes three stages that most people go through when learning to be emotionally responsible- 1. "emotional slavery"- believing we are responsible for other people's feelings, 2) "the obnoxious stage"- where we do not admit to caring what anyone else needs or wants and, 3) "emotional liberation" where we accept full responsibility for own feelings but not others feelings while recognizing that our needs can never be met at the expense of others.
All that said- I believe we have entered stage 2 - the obnoxious stage! Dr. Rosenburg talks about his own daughter entering this stage. He had been talking with her about the fact that her needs were important and valuable and not to sacrifice expressing them to "make someone happy". This is particularly important for girls growing up in our society because historically girls are taught to put their needs last and to be the "caretakers". At any rate, he got a call from his daughter school. She had worn overalls to school and the Principal told her that was inappropriate clothing for a young girl to which she replied "Fuck off!" Dr. Rosenberg talked about how excited he was to get that call. His daughter had finally entered the obnoxious stage! She was willing to express herself despite the fact the other person might become angry. Of course, he also knew it was time to begin helping his daughter move through to the next stage.
At any rate, I am finding Butterfly still teeters between stage one and two. But I embrace this movement away from her feeling like she needs to behave or say certain things to make me or someone else happy or proud. Not to say this isn't a little trying on my patience- it does have a flair of obnoxiousness like when she tells me to stop practicing my mandolin because I am not good at it and I am making her ears hurt. But I see a new Butterfly beginning to emerge - one that will be stronger and self-confident because of her own sense of self--- valuing her needs and being in touch with her emotions.
I realize what a delicate time this is- I think it is a critical stage that all girls enter at some point. However, many are shut down instead of being encouraged to express their thoughts and needs. They end up gogin back to stage one- often living their whole lives in emotional slavery. Girls are shut down- taught that their job is to "behave" and be polite and think about how everything they do and say impacts the other person. They are taught to monitor their words to accommodate the other person. They are rewarded for playing nicely, for taking care of their dolls, their friends and often their parents.
I want to help usher Butterfly through this stage to a healthy place where she can express her needs while understanding the real emotional needs behind other peoples words. I do wonder at times what we are "creating" with this new language. These days I can always tell a kid that is somehow connected to NVC community- and although I don't come across them too often outside of school, I am always on the look-out for these "little Buddhas"- ready to teach me something new in the most unexpected moments.
The other day at the park I was redirecting Brother who was intent on crossing over a high hanging web apparatus on a jungle gym built for 6 - 11 yr olds. A 10 year old girl spoke up and said, "He can do it- there is a rope to hang onto." I glanced over at her, a little annoyed and said "No, I don't feel comfortable with him crossing. It is too high" The little girl said "But, won't you be standing right there? You could catch him if he started to fall. He wants to try it." More than a little annoyed now, I turned to her and said "No. It is not safe and I don't want him to cross." I thought who is this kid talking to me like she is some kind of an adult?! What does she know anyway? And then she responded, "Okay, I respect your decision. I wanted to be sure you were thinking about his needs." And then she scrambled down the jungle gym and was off running carefree cross the field.
Wow. Where did she come from!? I still didn't let Brother cross because it wasn't safe. But, I thought to myself, is that my little Butterfly Girl in 5 years? Confident, well-spoken, not afraid to share her thoughts or opinions with any adult, not afraid to question authority, not a slave to anther person's reaction to her words, free to express herself? I hope so... and I wished at that moment that I had stopped an engaged with this little kid- I probably could have learned something.
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