Last night it was getting late and Butterfly kept stalling- not wanting to go to bed. She began to throw a huge tantrum, screaming that she hates me and that I am stupid. Then she kicked me, hit me and scratched me. But through it all, I remained calm and eventually got her into her bed. I thought "wow, I did it!" But then it started again. She told me to get out and she only wanted mommy. She got out of bed and ran to Partner, refusing to let go, screaming loud enough to wake the neighbors in a four block radius. I was still focused and in the moment...not taking any of it personal... trying to talk through it. Then she came over to me, balled up her little fist and punched me square on the nose. It really hurt. My NVC went out the window. I yelled "do not punch me in the face!" and walked away. Of course, that sent her completely over the edge.
I felt bad for yelling. Sometimes when she begins to get physical I really don't know what to do. I can only negotiate with her for so long while she hits, scratches, spits, bites and kicks. The yelling I can deal with but the other - I am at a complete loss. One it hurts. Two, I can't just walk away because I am scared she will hurt herself. If I try to physically hold her, it almost always makes it worse. But it seems like, in those moments, she needs someone more than ever but her little body just won't let her get close or ask for help. I can see in her eyes that she knows it has escalated too far but she is liked a caged wild animal. She gets terrified and works herself into a frenzied state where she sometimes begins to hyperventilate. her mind starts working into a frenzy too.
Last night she completely lost focus of where this had all started---it started over not wanting to go to bed. She was screaming she was scared of me and that I was always mean and never let her be in charge. In the beginning of the tantrum, I had calmly tried to remind her that it was my job to help set limits that were healthy for her including getting her to bed so she can get enough sleep. But by the end of the tantrum, after she punched me, it was like she had completely forgotten that this had all started because of not wanting to go to bed. It was all about me being a horrible, scary parent. And she said she wished she had never been born. It always breaks my heart when she says that. It is so horrible. I so much wanted to just hold her but she wasn't ready even after we both calmed down. Of course, I apologized for yelling. She hid under her pillow, holding Partner and she would not look at me. If I could take it all back I would.
Sometimes I just don't know if she understands that it is never okay to hit or use your body to hurt someone. I feel like she just doesn't take it seriously - sometimes this no consequences method is really challenging. I was frustrated from being kicked, scratched and hit but was still trying to stay with her in the moment and work through it. I was shocked when she punched me after I had been trying so hard to remain grounded and patient through the huge tantrum.
It has been escalating for a few days now and we couldn't seem to get through to her the past few days. She has been so defiant and rude. Maybe it has to do with the emotions around moving. However, I think it mainly has to do with NVC. She is encouraged to say what she needs. She does not have to "share" anything just to be polite. She does not even have to be polite - at least not just for the sake of being polite. She does not get consequences any more (or we try our best not to give her consequences). She is encouraged to offer different solutions, plans, etc. to whatever we propose- and we listen to it and take it seriously. All that is a big shift for all of us. And, she has not yet found a way (most of the time) to balance her needs with the needs of others. It is all about her. The obnoxious stage is what Rosenberg calls it.
All that said, these tantrums are much less frequent. The "attitude" is pretty much on all the time but not the physical outbursts. We just have to keep the patience and see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will get through. I just pray for a little extra patience. And it always helps me if I can find some humor in it.
It helps that she has her wonderful school to balance it. The other evening we were talking about the people we love. She said, "You know who I love? Traci (that is one of her teachers). I love her like a mom." Still doesn't look good for the school. There is a big meeting this evening. The school council is recommending that we stop pursuing the charter extension (which means no more school) and focus our energies in getting a charter for a new (somewhat different) school passed. We vote on it tomorrow. I think I will listen to the wisdom of the people that have been so involved in this process and vote accordingly. But I am so sad to lose this school. And I am disgusted that the school system cannot recognize the value of a learning environment that fosters emotional intelligence and community values. I hate the cookie cutter approach. I am appalled that our elected officials, school board members and others are so blinded by politics and bureaucracy. There is much to be done in this world.
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