In the Storm

Butterfly Girl had her appointment with Therapist last night. Butterfly did not want to go and expressed it with all the fury and anger of a wild five year old. I reminded myself it was a good opportunity for me to practice all my new zen breathing, staying in the moment, feely stuff.

Partner had called me at work to tell me that Butterfly had said, in no uncertain terms, she was not going to see Therapist. I appreciated the heads up and left a few minutes early to have time to work through it with her.

Butterfly was not joking around. When I told her we were going to see Therapist, Butterfly began screaming, yelling, crying, ripping apart her room.It has amazed me how difficult it is to stay in the moment, even when the moment is loud and in your face. I would have thought it would be hard to escape the immediate situation but I think my mind works even harder to escape. 

I was not in the moment. My mind was not still. Through Butterfly's screaming and throwing, I found my mind running like a freight train at full speed- all kinds of thoughts popping in and out of my head... "we are going to be late if we don't get out of the door soon. The traffic is going to be horrible. What route should I take?  Should I even be taking her? It's not like it is cheap- what a waste of money if she doesn't want to go. Although,  we will probably get charged anyway at this point- too late to cancel. It feels like I am forcing her to go- that can't be healthy. Maybe she is just mad about being told to do something. Why does she keep screaming she hates him? Did something happen the last time she went? Maybe it is something really horrible. I wasn't in the room. Should I tell her she doesn't have to go?  Obviously, she needs to talk with someone-she is still so angry."

I am no zen master. As a matter of fact, instead of feeling each of my breaths- in and out, I think I forgot to breathe altogether.  This was very challenging. But, I was aware of the thoughts. I acknowledged them and then tried to let them go- one by one. Eventually, I felt like I did end up in the room, in the moment with Butterfly. And without getting too touchy feely, I felt a calmness- like I was in the center of a storm. And I think Butterfly noticed.

I felt empathetic but also clear about what I needed to do. I echoed her feelings and told her that we need to go together to the Therapist. We had an appointment. We could talk with him together about Butterfly not wanting to see him. Therapist could help us find someone else. But we had an appointment, so tonight we would go- together. 

With some more help from Partner, Butterfly pulled out of it. In the car, we talked about it some more. I still had some second thoughts but held strong to our commitment. 

And then we arrived. I stayed in the room the whole session per Butterfly's request. Therapist seemed fine with that. I sat on the couch and pretended to look out the window at the cityscape - listening intently for clues to her complex little being. They played with toys, colored and talked - sometimes she alluded to things that seemed important - although I am no shrink.  Butterfly told him that she would talk more when she could trust him. I liked the way Therapist interacted.

He ended by saying we would meet again next week. I could see a slight smile- although she wasn't going to let on that she was pleased. I think over time this will be so helpful. Butterfly is getting a foundation that will help her for the rest of her life.

Oh, and school went great again.