Welcome to the Other Side

It has returned. In all its ugliness. Butterfly had a horrible day at school. Two times to Principle's office. She pulled down a girls pants on the playground and ran off laughing. Later, she crashed into the line of classmates waiting to go to lunch, knocking over a boys lunch pail, spilling all of it on the ground. He punched her, she punched back and on it went. I wonder how Butterfly could do something like pulling down the girls pants. It is so mean. It is so embarrassing. I know I will have to see her mother tomorrow.

Partner went to pick Butterfly up like normal. Principle was waiting at the gate and escorted her directly to the office. Principle gave a detailed account from her growing file of notes on Butterfly. Principle pointed out that Butterfly seemed to be lieing about a small scratch she had on her wrist. Butterfly said it happened that day at school. Principle said it was old and did not happen that day. She asks Partner when Butterfly got the scratch. It is not a good meeting. Principle excuses Partner to go pick up Butterfly.

Partner doesn't feel like Butterfly understands the seriousness of today. They stop by my work so I can "talk" to Butterfly. In the parking lot, Butterfly is out of control. Screaming and crying. Shaking. Terrified. It does not go like planned. Instead of a firm talking to, I ended up trying desperately to console her. She is close to hyperventilating. Eventually, I get her calmed down.

Partner has to go pick up Brother. I take Butterfly back into work with me. She hides her head as I walk through the office. She has always been "scared" to let other people see her cry. I shut the door to my office. She immediately begins to draw. Pictures of people crying. Over and over. Big tear drops and frowns on every face.

When I ask Butterfly what she is feeling, she replies "scared". Butterfly is scared that she will have to leave her school. Butterfly says she also doesn't want to go back. She is scared she will hurt someone. Butterfly says she is "mean and bad" and no one likes her. She says "I wish I were dead."

All I wish is that I wasn't at my stupid work. I feel like screaming. I don't know how to help my little Butterfly. I have never felt so lost or so desperate. She seems to switch off those emotions. She starts spelling on the paper and drawing squiggles. She talks about other things- her tone of voice has changed and she appears like she is fine. I wonder if it helped her just to say the words. Or is it all so painful that she has just shut it off?

Partner arrives back and Butterfly leaves with her. As I put her in the car she begins to cry again. I ask her to be a good girl for Mommy this afternoon. She says "I will". I give Brother a kiss. As I close the door, I see the tears in Partner's eyes. I mouth the words "hold it together. i love you." Partner tells me that evening that as they pulled away, Butterfly threw a toy at her head and began another tantrum that lasted all the way home.

That night Partner and I talk through all of it. We debate sending her to school tomorrow. Has the Principle been telling Butterfly that she is "bad" or "mean"? At pick up Teacher was visibly upset. Have they lost all patience with Butterfly?

I am up at 3 AM the next morning. I feel myself becoming furious with Principle and Teacher. How dare they!? This is my school. They have known Butterfly for less than 4 months. I make a list of all the things I am going to say to Principle tomorrow. I imagine her responses. I plan my attack including going to the Superintendent of schools. I wait all morning. When Partner wakes, I tell her my plan.

We are doing our part. Why aren't they doing theirs? Why isn't Butterfly allowed to use her feely box at school? Why doesn't she have the twirly seat she had been promised? Where are the breaks Butterfly is supposed to have worked into the day- a time for her to refocus? Just what exactly is the school doing to help Butterfly be successful?! I have finally crossed to the other side. I am pissed at the school instead of thoughtfully considering their view. Partner says "welcome. i have been pissed a long time."

Butterfly and I head off to school.