Happy Birthday Butterfly!

Butterfly Girl turned six. And that was no small feat. I don't mean the year of ups and down- the emotional battles won and lost, the fears, the questions. I mean the birthday party.

Last year Butterfly Girl did not have a birthday party. She is one of the unfortunate ones that has a birthday in the summer- meaning school is out and friends scattered by summer plans. This holds true until high school at least. So, unless you are well liked, it can be hard  to fill a summer party with little kids.  

This year, with some coaxing, she decided she wanted a party with friends. Partner and I were excited. We planned for the big day, reserving a giant slip 'n slide, the Tinkerbell ice cream cake, and party favors.  It was a luau theme and served fruit kabobs. Butterfly decorated home with flower leis, musical instruments, stuffed animals and a pineapple.

The morning passed to afternoon. I had cold feet. Would anyone really show up? The evite said yes. I tried to curb my jitters by taking pre-party pics of the Butterfly and Brother on the big slide. 1 PM arrived... and so did the friends. One after another, little kids from her class walked through the door bearing cards or gifts. They displayed no nervousness. After a quick assessment of the house, toys and snacks, each kid inevitably ran to the slip n slide. Butterfly slipped along with the rest of them.  Everyone was having fun.

We broke out the cake. Kids gathered around to sing The Song. As their little voices rang out, Butterfly covered her ears and hid her head in partners skirt. When the singing was over, Butterfly had the biggest piece of cake. 

Long after everyone had gone home for the night, Butterfly and I had a few moments together while she explored her pile of very thoughtful gifts (she really scored).  We talked about the party, her friends, Brother, being six.... After a few moments of silence, where I actually tried to steal a quick cat nap, I felt her pulling on my leg. She said,  "You know, having friends is kinda fun." And with that she scooted off to play.  

"Okay. Maybe later."

Butterfly struggled from the moment she woke up yesterday. She seemed very angry- a short fuse. By the time Teacher came to pick her up for the day, she had  already had two explosive episodes. Apparently she struggled at camp too. By the time I arrived home from work, everyone seemed a bit frazzled. 

We had plans to go to a concert at the beach with the whole family. Before we left, Butterfly began screaming, big tears rolling down her face while she writhed around on the ground- angry? disappointed? sad? There was no play structure for her at the beach. She wanted to play at a playground- period.  I couldn't touch her. She was too much on the edge. I sat on the floor with her thinking most almost 6 yr. olds don't do this..why do I keep losing her to her own feelings? Why do I still feel so helpless? Why don't I know how to soothe her yet? 

I suddenly felt exhausted. I had rushed home from work so we could all enjoy the evening. I was really looking forward to doing something fun. I was angry with myself for not being able to see these tidal waves coming... and not being able to prevent them. I was sad for Brother who was excited and happy about the concert, vying for my attention which was focused solely on Butterfly. I was mad at Butterfly... here we go again. Either one of us has to stay home with her or we all go and risk having to leave quickly if we have another episode.  And, no matter what, we will be late because we can't walk out the door like this. 

I move to give her space so she can't kick me. Then I begin my monologue, which it always is at this point. "It looks like you are having some really big feelings right now." Inside, I acknowledge that I am having some damn big feelings too. I try to stay in observation mode-  neutral, calm. I remember Teacher telling me long ago that she doesn't take it personally. I breathe and ask for a little patience. If Butterfly senses that I am in a hurry, it always takes much longer. I move to the present and let go of our plans.  I continue talking. I always wonder if she can even hear me at moments like this. 

Eventually I notice a slight shift in the tension in her body. I move forward and scoop her up. I am struck by how big she is, how her body pours out of my lap. She is hot and still wound tight. I begin to rock her. She finally blurts out "I don't know what I am feeling! I don't know what it is that I am feeling!" That is the break through. I know very well she doesn't know what she is feeling... or why. How could any little child begin to process emotions that rage so heavily inside? I know it is not time to press her to explore her emotional battlefield. It is still too raw.  I just hold her and rock her. I remind her that it is okay to feel. I acknowledge that sometimes feelings can be scary. I remind her that she can always talk to me... about anything... even if she doesn't know what to say...or has nothing to say.  After I say it, I realize it doesn't make any sense but she knows I am trying to reassure her. She knows I don't make sense a lot of the time. She is okay with my imperfections.

Eventually, we make an agreement to work on pulling through it for the rest of the evening. We agree to make our plan be "to have some fun."  She is subdued in the back seat on the drive over, wringing her hands, her jaw set tightly. I am worried as it takes longer to find a parking space than anticipated. She sees a playground and says she wants to go. Oh no. This is what started it all. I remind her that we are here for the concert not the playground. I look back it her through the mirror and hold my breath, waiting for her reply. After a moment, she looks up and says "okay. maybe later." I know that we will be okay again. I look at my little family and I am overwhelmed by my good fortune. I have everything I need right in that moment, inside the car. 

We have a great evening. She acts like a kid and I notice the tension, although still there, has begun it's release. I find that I have relaxed too. 

Bring on the Bugs!

Today Butterfly Girl had "camp" with her amazing Teacher. Teacher is hanging out with her... exploring and doing fun things. Last year, Butterfly went to a "regular" camp.  It was only during the day but she did not know anyone... kids or counselors. It was horrible for her. We stopped sending her after two days. Now, when I look back on it, I feel horrible- just imagining how painful that experience was for her. I don't know what we were thinking. 

But, today she had a blast which is great because we have had a rough couple weeks since school has been out. When I got home from work, Butterfly ran to see me hollering about some bug Teacher had given her. On closer inspection and explanation, I learned that she had been gifted a praying mantis. Praying Mantis eat bugs and, according to Butterfly, we will need to catch small bugs every morning to feed her.  They cannot be in the same habitat with the stick bugs because the praying mantis will eat them. She was so excited and, although I don't relish the idea of bug hunting every morning, I am kinda excited too. And secretly I am a little proud that Butterfly Girl likes bugs.  I love bugs too. She acknowledge that her pet collection is growing. Then she reminded me that "means my spirit is growing too".  Bring on the bugs!

Butterfly Graduates

Yesterday Butterfly Girl graduated Kindergarten. I was so proud of her - she could have been winning the Nobel Peace award. The whole graduation felt somewhat surreal.  The names of her classmates were called one by one. The children would run or walk or skip across the blacktop to get their certificate from the teacher. And then I heard her name.   

This year it did not go silent when her name was called. I heard clapping and cheering- several classmates shouted out her name. She stuck her tongue out at no one in particular before she stood up.  Then she walked slowly, head down with the famous Butterfly Girl scowl sprawled across her face.  I was so proud- that was my girl. Some parent behind me said "Oh my- that is an unhappy girl."  I decided not to turn around and see who it was. I didn't want anything to ruin our moment.  Actually, the woman's comment kinda made it all perfect- there has all been something bittersweet about every moment in Butterfly's short life. The fact was, this woman was making an observation of Butterfly on the outside. The secret with Butterfly Girl is always on the inside.  Butterfly was happy. And Butterfly was very proud. I bet she heard everyone of her schoolmates that cheered and shouted for her.  

The year has certainly had its ups and downs. We started the year at the public school near our old house. We felt so normal the first few days walking Butterfly to school, sharing smiles and morning nods over portable cups of coffee. But then, Butterfly Girl started getting sent to the Principal's office several times a week, The kids teased her and would not play with her. The Teacher became frustrated and asked for us to consider IEP and Special Ed. Butterfly was suspended from school and sent home early countless times. They wanted her to only come for a half day. They questioned our parenting. They told us something was wrong with Butterfly. Parents and Teachers began to look at us differently. We got sucked into a horrible dark hole with constant battles with Principal, Teacher, school psychiatrist.... We began to take Butterfly to an outside Psychiatrist while we desperately searched for answers.  Then one day Butterfly Girl was attacked by a group of girls on the play yard- they pulled down her pants and kicked her while she lay crying on the asphalt. That was her last day at the other School. That day we swore we would never put her back in the "system."

And then, like some miracle, we got a call from the charter school that same afternoon. A spot had opened. We could start on Monday.  We cried with joy. Little did we know at that moment what a wonderful, life changing experience we were about to embark on. I began to read everything I could on this new way to communicate- Non Violent Communication. I practiced with Partner and the kids. Butterfly connected with one of her Teacher's and the Teacher connected with her. Transformations began to happen. A veil was lifted and we could see some hope. The Teacher became a pillar of support. The school and the philosophy became the foundation for our much stronger family. Butterfly stopped seeing the Psychiatrist. She had a few Reflection days (days when she was sent home from school because she was struggling to be there). There were still phone calls from the school- but this time it was to provide Butterfly the opportunity to talk with us- we would support her and help to bring her back to a place where she could function for the remainder of the school day. But most importantly, Butterfly made some friends. She had play dates and even had her first sleep over!  

Butterfly graduated kindergarten.  

Conversations Overheard

This weekend Butterfly Girl had some friends over for a playdate. This is one of the conversations I overheard...

"Where is your Daddy?" asked Friend.

"I don't have a Daddy." said Butterfly.

"Don't you want a Daddy?" asked Friend.

"It isn't that I don't want a daddy. You see, my Momma and Doma fell in love together so I have them. We make a family."

No response from Friend.

"My Doma has short hair and sometimes looks like a boy but she is really a girl. Did you know that?" asked Butterfly.

Still no response from Friend.

"Well. let me tell you something more. Really I did not come from my mom or doma. They found me in an apple orchard... all alone... under a tree... crying... in a basket.  My real mom could not take care of me so she left me in an orchard. Mom and Doma found me in the basket. They loved me because I am so special. They took me and we made a family. I am adopted. They saved me from a life in the orchard." Butterfly explained.

Some more silence from the friend and then finally, "Oh. That's cool."

Changes

Well it's been a long time. I have to say that it is because of the shift in Butterfly Girl, in our family and in our support systems. This blog was meant to follow our journey through an uncompromising, unforgiving education and psychiatric system. A system that is difficult to navigate even for two loving , dedicated parents. This blog was meant to capture the emotional  highs and lows of living with a child that faced challenges and struggled in a "normal" environment (I have come to believe it to be more accurate to call it "inflexible").

However, we somehow found the most incredible, wonderful community that has shifted our rigid views of parenthood and childhood, appropriate behavior and priorities.  Not that we were strict and totally overbearing. I think we have always been searching, reading, working on our parenting skills. However, it has always been in the context of our middle class culture where priorities are fitting in, accommodating others, insisting on politeness, following the rules, etc. 

There is much more laughter in our home now. We thought we were somewhat chaotic before- you should see us now! It feels like we have all become kids in some ways. We are more joyful, inquisitive...I spend more time laying on the grass, looking at bugs, chasing, telling scary stories, singing and dancing.

And Butterfly Girl spends more time laughing and playing. She still struggles with things deep inside her- insecurities and fears. She doesn't like to lose. She still has a hard time making friends. She does not like to have limits set for her...and certainly does not like being told "no". 

The other night I went to put her to bed and she got really angry. She was not done playing and was not ready for bed. She threw a huge tantrum...huge. I kept remembering something I had recently read in a book. Just let her have the tantrum. Let her express it. I told her we still needed to go to bed so we went to her room and I laid down in the bed with her. She proceeded to scream, yell and say some very hurtful things. I remembered not to take it personally. Instead, I told her I could see she was having some really big emotions...she was feeling a lot. She still had a 20 minute tantrum but she exhausted herself and finally crawled over to me to snuggle. What was different this time was that she did not hit me. She was still very angry but she refrained from using her body to express it (or at least on me). She hit the bed and the pillows. She kicked the covers. But...she did not hit me. And that is a big change!

Growing Up

It has been so long since I have written. Butterfly is doing very well. She has adjusted with the move. She has settled down since the visitors have slowed. She was happy and playful over Spring break. She has been communicating her feelings and needs- probably does it better than me. I am afraid alot of that went out the window when we were moving. It is hard to be mindful when everything else is happening - and of course, it is the most important time to be mindful.  I'm still learning.

Yesterday I was struck by how much things have changed when she was playing with a boy. These two both have had hard times using words instead of hands, having explosive episodes, etc. We have actually known them a couple years and we have both sen the more challenging moments for each others families. The kids have really hurt each other a few times- so badly that on different occasions we have had to take long breaks from seeing each other. 

But over Spring break, they played together and worked through any incidents that came up. It was really remarkable. Yesterday when her friend left, I told Butterfly that she and her friend had really negotiated and compromised to make their play date go smoothly. And she looked at me and said "Well, what do you expect? That we would hit it each other and yell? We are older now and don't do that anymore." 

That made me laugh. Could it really be that a real change has taken place?  That the length of time between compulsive and aggressive incidents has really stretched so far that it feels almost "normal"? Could it be that Butterfly is finally feeling safe with her own feelings? 

Today, I am just going to take a deep breath and let what changes have happened becoming fully apparent to me. I feel like I  need to stop and catch up on everything that has happened since January when we moved to the new school.  It has changed our lives.  Today, I am going to be thankful for my precious little girl and the changes she is embracing. Butterfly is growing up.