Live-in Zen Masters

Ahh, the honeymoon. How sweet it was. Butterfly Girl is definitely become more vocal in her dislike, disgust, disappointment, discouragement or any other "dis-".  At times I feel like I am living with an Oscar winner.

It is a struggle to decipher what is a real reaction and what is more for attention. Although, both are very real reactions so maybe I should just stop trying to figure it out. Yesterday, after my retreat like morning writing in my blog and pondering life while everyone slept, I was snapped back to reality with a kick in the face- quite literally.

Butterfly has always had a difficult time waking in the morning although for our honeymoon she seemed to embrace each morning with a smile and hugs. Yesterday, I had the unfortunate experience of startling her by coming around the corner at the same time as her. Butterfly's sensitive self could not process it quick enough and she was thrown into a wild, angry tantrum which included screaming she hates me and kicking me in the face. In hindsight, she was telling me very clearly by both body language and very clear words to leave her alone (!) and I just did not listen. I wanted to fix it. I needed her to know I was sorry. It was an accident. So instead of listening to her needs, I went and sat on her bed which promptly resulted in a kick square to my nose. That was certainly clear.

The tricky thing with this non violent communication (NVC) is that we don't ask our kids to apologize. I wanted an apology. But, instead I told her how I felt and that it was not okay with me. Then I told her I needed space and left the room. I don't know if she heard any of it because she was still screaming "I hate you!"  at me.

Eventually, we found a way to talk about it, get dressed for the day, get breakfast and all that. Butterfly was feeling quite good actually.  She had said what she needed, listened to me  and was moving on with her day.  Another hard thing with NVC is letting go. 

I found I was still mad. I still wanted an apology. I was mad that I couldn't put her in timeout because you don't do that in NVC. I was exhausted and it was only 730 AM. I was depleted and I still had the whole day ahead of me. I was worried that she would now have difficulties at school all day. I was sad for Brother having to wake up to that. I knew Partner did not like to start her morning like that. But most of all, I couldn't let go of how she had ruined everyone's morning and was now dancing around happy, asking me to get her juice, asking me to play... like nothing had happened! 

And then it dawned on me as I watched my little Butterfly bouncing around the house- happy and complete. Brother was happy too - like nothing had happened. She was in the moment - they were in the moment- which is where I needed to be. I needed to let go. I needed to be in the moment- just right there, right then. And when I realized that, everything else faded. And I played. And I hugged. And I was grateful for my two little live-in Zen Masters- Butterfly and Brother. I have a lot to learn.

In the Storm

Butterfly Girl had her appointment with Therapist last night. Butterfly did not want to go and expressed it with all the fury and anger of a wild five year old. I reminded myself it was a good opportunity for me to practice all my new zen breathing, staying in the moment, feely stuff.

Partner had called me at work to tell me that Butterfly had said, in no uncertain terms, she was not going to see Therapist. I appreciated the heads up and left a few minutes early to have time to work through it with her.

Butterfly was not joking around. When I told her we were going to see Therapist, Butterfly began screaming, yelling, crying, ripping apart her room.It has amazed me how difficult it is to stay in the moment, even when the moment is loud and in your face. I would have thought it would be hard to escape the immediate situation but I think my mind works even harder to escape. 

I was not in the moment. My mind was not still. Through Butterfly's screaming and throwing, I found my mind running like a freight train at full speed- all kinds of thoughts popping in and out of my head... "we are going to be late if we don't get out of the door soon. The traffic is going to be horrible. What route should I take?  Should I even be taking her? It's not like it is cheap- what a waste of money if she doesn't want to go. Although,  we will probably get charged anyway at this point- too late to cancel. It feels like I am forcing her to go- that can't be healthy. Maybe she is just mad about being told to do something. Why does she keep screaming she hates him? Did something happen the last time she went? Maybe it is something really horrible. I wasn't in the room. Should I tell her she doesn't have to go?  Obviously, she needs to talk with someone-she is still so angry."

I am no zen master. As a matter of fact, instead of feeling each of my breaths- in and out, I think I forgot to breathe altogether.  This was very challenging. But, I was aware of the thoughts. I acknowledged them and then tried to let them go- one by one. Eventually, I felt like I did end up in the room, in the moment with Butterfly. And without getting too touchy feely, I felt a calmness- like I was in the center of a storm. And I think Butterfly noticed.

I felt empathetic but also clear about what I needed to do. I echoed her feelings and told her that we need to go together to the Therapist. We had an appointment. We could talk with him together about Butterfly not wanting to see him. Therapist could help us find someone else. But we had an appointment, so tonight we would go- together. 

With some more help from Partner, Butterfly pulled out of it. In the car, we talked about it some more. I still had some second thoughts but held strong to our commitment. 

And then we arrived. I stayed in the room the whole session per Butterfly's request. Therapist seemed fine with that. I sat on the couch and pretended to look out the window at the cityscape - listening intently for clues to her complex little being. They played with toys, colored and talked - sometimes she alluded to things that seemed important - although I am no shrink.  Butterfly told him that she would talk more when she could trust him. I liked the way Therapist interacted.

He ended by saying we would meet again next week. I could see a slight smile- although she wasn't going to let on that she was pleased. I think over time this will be so helpful. Butterfly is getting a foundation that will help her for the rest of her life.

Oh, and school went great again.

Slow Healing

Yesterday was Butterfly's student-led parent/ teacher conference at school.  Interestingly, she chose not to participate. I recognized that even talking about it on Sunday evening with Butterfly proved challenging. At some point it dawned on me that she was probably feeling worried about it because her experience at the other school with conferences was never good. Sure enough- she was terrified and felt like she was in trouble.

We talked about it and she did sit with me and answer some of the questions on Sunday evening in preparation. 

What are you very good at in school? "Jump rope and drawing." 

What worries you? "Being called mean names by kids at school." 

How do you feel about writing? "I love it because I like to draw girls with lots of detail."  

How do you feel about reading? "Scared because I think I will mess up and I try and I try so hard. Someday I will be good if I try." 

What are your goals for this year? "Learning to jump rope on the big jump rope and drawing better." 

How can we help you achieve those goals? "Practice with me and give me stuff to draw." 

How will you know when you have reached your goals? "Happy. I will be very happy."

I met Partner, Butterfly and Brother at school for the conference on Monday afternoon. We headed to the outdoor classroom to meet. Butterfly ran off and hid- she did not want to participate. Finally, she came with us to the classroom. Teacher talked with her about her fears, the reasons we do the conferences, etc. Butterfly chose not to participate formally. 

Butterfly was free to do this- there was no forcing her to sit with us. There was no disappointed from Teacher in Butterfly's lack of participation. There was only acceptance of where Butterfly was at the moment. Because of that, as the meeting went on she did wonder over and check on Partner and my answers every so often- correcting them or adding to them. 

It felt so good to observe her trusting that her feelings were being heard. Trusting that her needs were valid and they would be met. It is like observing a slow healing. Sometimes I feel like she is a wild animal, slowly beginning to integrate into a domesticated pack. Not losing her spirit but knowing that she is accepted just as she is.

Earning Back Trust

Yesterday was a little rough again. The honeymoon may be ending. However, Butterfly's behavior is not manifesting itself physically but verbally. That is a change.  

There were points yesterday where I wondered if this whole non violent communication (NVC) was really working.  How many times can I say the limits? How many times can I say "I feel sad when you say that because I need kind words in our family." when she yells "I hate you!" Or "I feel worried when you say that because I need you to know that we love you" when she says "I wish I were dead. No one loves me."  

It is hard not to say "NO." or "Cut it out" or "You are in timeout." especially if the unkindness is directed to Brother.  Although, Brother is actually more advanced than any of us in this new language because he has been learning it in his preschool. Brother is practiced at saying "That is not okay with me."

After a good night's rest, I woke this morning to review yesterday.  I feel re energized. I will use NVC a thousand times more today. Thinking back on yesterday- although it was bumpy- Butterfly did not physically hurt anyone.  And, I heard her (or tried to).  And she worked through the moments with words. 

At one point, Brother was having a very hard time giving Butterfly space because he wanted desperately to play with her. Butterfly was trying so hard to use her words and although it did escalate into screaming "Leave me alone!!" it did not turn physical. Butterfly told me "I am trying to work through this! I need space so I am sitting at my (art) table!" That is a huge success. 

I think we will need some difficult days for Butterfly to trust that I will hear her and not resort to timeouts and "no" even during the most challenging moments. For her to trust that I value what she is feeling and thinking in any given moment. I hope for guidance and patience in those moments.  

So Simple

All is well on the home front. An amazing change has taken place at our house- even if just for the honeymoon. My stress level is so much lower even when Butterfly begins to have a moment. It is diffused so much quicker. Identifying what I am feeling, guessing what she is feeling and working together to come up with a solution completely deflates the situation (or at least most of them). It is like Butterfly finally feels like she is being heard and validated.

It seems so simple. And I certainly thought I was doing all that feely/ listening stuff before but there is something much different about this way. It is about being totally present in the moment. About recognizing Butterfly's (or whoever elses) need for sovereignty.  By trying to honor it.  I actually feel quite hippy with all these books, feelings, walking meditation- something I have always held a bit of judgement about. I am letting that go and finding myself more at peace and in tune with my family than I ever thought possible- even during difficult moments. 

And the kids seem to be drinking it in - finding new ways to express themselves, new ways to use words and ask for their needs to be met. Even three year old Brother asked me last night if he "used his words good".

Yesterday Butterfly spent the majority of the day at School by herself for the first time- Brother was sick with a cold. It went well according to Teachers- I say Teachers because there are so many adults around all day.  It is interesting because Butterfly has not brought up her old school, classmates or teacher since the second day at her new school. The reduction of stress and visible anxiety in her is remarkable. I am so grateful that we were finally granted a spot at the charter.

Hope and Promise

Yesterday I went back to school and what a day! Kindergarten is exhausting.  When we arrived at school, Butterfly showed me the room pets including two huge stick bugs (about 6 inches long), some butterflies that had recently emerged from their chrysalis and Sharpie, the big lizard. The children had set limits around Sharpie and they were posted to his tank. They included no drawing or painting on Sharpie.

When the gong rang to start the day, the Teacher said we were headed to the Church Hall (we share the campus with a church) to watch the inauguration. I was thrilled! All 125 students piled in to the hall and listened with relative quietness as Obama gave his speech. I felt great watching this next generation observe this historic moment. 

Later in the day, Obama showed up at the school for a press conference with the 1/2 graders. Obviously, it wasn't really Obama but he did look like him!  I wondered over to watch the mock press conference for a bit. Started with questions like "Is there a swimming pool in the White House?" But then it started to get tough with questions about global warming and the war. Obama stopped by Butterfly's class on the way out to say hello. Butterfly stopped still in her tracks and stared at him with her mouth wide open until he left. She couldn't believe it! What a school! I love it. 

The day unfolded with activities in the classroom, playtime, PE (which consists of jump ropes and hula hoops) and journaling/painting in the outdoor classroom.  I tried my best to assist the Teacher but found myself tripping up more than once around this new language. I felt like a sponge- following around the adults and trying to absorb the language. All in all I had a great day with Butterfly.

That night, Partner and I went to see Therapist. I was worried. Not sure what he was going to throw at us. I felt really good about the session by the end. I felt good about him and his insights. Basically, he doesn't think Butterfly has a "psychological diagnosis". He thinks the behavior stems from anxiety and over-sensitivity. 

He also thinks she is smart -above average intelligence which can be hard for a kid like her. He said that she feels things very deeply but cognitively she does not have the ability to connect her feelings with her head- so she gets frustrated because she knows she feels it but can't understand it. She is just a little out of synch.  He explained it much better.

It all clicked for me as we talked about it. Her difficulty keeping friends. Her difficulty navigating relationships and social situations. Her deep need to connect but her fear to connect. Her need to be controlling. Her need to be perfect. On and on and on. Because she is so anxious, Butterfly tries to control social situations which, in turn, makes it difficult for her to interact. She so deeply craves human connection while at the same time being terrified of opening herself  up to that vulnerability.

I talked about the fact that she did not want to go back to see Therapist. He said that he had been concerned about how he had ended the last session. She had opened up a little bit to him. At that time, he wasn't sure if he was going to see her again so he said that maybe they would get together again. He said he noticed then how Butterfly crumpled inward. 

We think that Butterfly had started to let him in a little and then felt rejected.  So when she talked to me Butterfly was angry and wanted to reject him by saying she would never go back to protect herself.  Sensitivity can be a real bitch.

He also told us not to be surprised if the "honeymoon" ended at school and the behavior resurfaced. He said that might actually be a blessing- meaning that she would feel comfortable enough to let her  feelings out. That makes sense but we sure are enjoying the honeymoon.

Anyway, we decided that she could really benefit from ongoing therapy. He thinks once a week for the next year. Hopefully, help her transition to the new school, work through some issues, develop skills, etc. We decided to stick with him. Butterfly has already opened up to him. And I feel good- he hasn't compartmentalized Butterfly. He has talked about her as the complex little girl she is. He sees hope and promise. That is a good thing to see on this inauguration day.

 We feel good about it. She now has a standing appointment every Tuesday at 5:30. 

I feel _________.

Wow. This non violent communication thing is a big change for us. I have found out that I am not very emotionally articulate.  Whenever the kids are fighting or  not listening all my sentences are supposed to start with "I am feeling _____ because I need ____." I find that I keep repeating that I am feeling frustrated. I need to identify some other emotions.  

I did witness a miraculous exchange between Butterfly and Brother yesterday. After brother called Butterfly "poopy" Butterfly said that she "felt sad because I need kind words."  That was amazing!

I am going to spend the day at school with her tomorrow- all day. I am very excited to see the school in action and to observe Butterfly.

We have had a great week. Butterfly told me on Friday on the way to the Therapist that she loved her new school to the moon and back to the bottom of the ocean. It definitely feels like the right move for all of us. 

Butterfly did not like the Therapist this last visit. Butterfly said she never wants to return. Partner and I go on Tuesday night to see Therapist alone- we will finally hear what has been transpiring and talk about where to go from here. I actually feel like we need to find a therapist that is fluent in this non violent communication-- that's not this guy.   We will see how it goes. Looking forward to finally talking with him again.