A Different Better Way to Learn

School was a family affair yesterday. Except I was at work. But, Partner, Brother and Butterfly stayed together at school all day. Partner looked exhausted when I finally got home last night. But, the day was great.

The charter is different not only because of the Humanistic Educational approach and the Non Violent Communication but also because if Butterfly can be more free. She doesn't have to go sit in the group if she doesn't want to at a certain moment. Partly, it is as simple as that. There is flexibility. And Butterfly needs that.

Butterfly being able to write in her diary was such a luxury at the other school. It was the one thing Butterfly clung to like a life raft. Here she could write in it all day if she needed to or she could read a book or make art or sit in a chair or lie on the floor or stand on her head.

I have found several books that were recommended to us at the library. Hopefully, we can get this this weekend.  Partner and I have a lot of work to do with this new method. It is relearning everything.

Tonight, Butterfly sees Therapist. We will see how that goes.

Beautiful

Butterfly's second day at school came with some challenges. Teacher called Partner to come back to the school to help Butterfly for the remainder of the day. Teacher said Butterfly was having some communication breakdowns. Partner called me very upset- although we knew that this would happen, the stress of getting "the call" proved overwhelming for Partner. 

When she arrived at the Charter, Teacher and Butterfly explained what had happened. Butterfly was swinging the ties on her dress at some of the other children. Teacher asked her to please stop and when she wouldn't, gently removed Butterfly from the classroom herself. Butterfly started swinging the ties at Teacher. 

Teacher had the school call Partner. Teacher stayed with Butterfly to help her work through it and then the roving "Communication Specialist" who goes from classroom to classroom to help when thing arise, came and helped Butterfly reintegrate into the classroom when she was ready.

When Teacher spoke with Partner, she told her that she wanted to Butterfly to come to the place where she realizes that calling "mommy" is not a punishment. Instead, it is  a support. Wow. What a difference.   We really liked how the Teacher and Communication Specialist handled all of it. Butterfly had lots of support and it was handled quickly. What a relief.

Teacher told us that she noticed Butterfly struggle at the same time on Monday. That this transition time seemed particularly challenging. I think- how insightful and observant of Teacher.  Teacher said Partner had to spend the whole day at school with Butterfly on Wednesday and preferably the remainder of the week. Brother is welcome to come too. 

When Partner told Butterfly her consequence was not being able to ride her scooter later that day, Teacher gently pulled Partner aside. She said I really don't agree with consequences. She suggested that Partner and I attend the K/1/2 meeting on Wednesday evening with childcare provided. They talk about the curriculum and also practice and talk about Non Violent Communication. WE found out later it is actually required for all parents...which we think is great.

Wednesday, Butterfly had a spectacular day at school with Partner. She got to make clay animals in the outdoor classroom. She got to hold the pet iguana. She got  to touch the stick bugs. She learned how to make a volcano from vinegar and baking soda. When a kid found a spider, the teacher stopped the whole class and gave everyone magnifying glasses to check out the spider with. 

Partner got to go the eveing K/1/2 meeting- I had to work- and took the kids with her. Apparently, I have to attend from now on- it is kind of like I am back in school too. They had a great time and Partner came home with an exercise book in non violent communication, a reading list and instructions for us to read, read, read. I stayed up late last night reading the first book. I love the thought process behind the non violent communication movement. I think we have lots to learn- it is an entirely different way to parent.

When I got home last night, Butterfly ran and gave me a hug. She said thank you for my new school. It was the first time I have seen her excited about school- ever. She was a blur of words and hands and laughter as she talked about her day. It was beautiful.

It Felt Good....

 

It felt good to call her old school and tell them she would not be back.

It felt good when Butterfly ran up to Partner after school to announce that when the "gong" rang, she did not have to line up. 

It felt good when Butterfly told me she can sit anywhere during circle time- not on a certain color square. 

It felt good when Teacher  invited Butterfly to sit on her lap during circle time. 

It felt good when Teacher observed Butterfly tensing and she immediately went over to help the kids navigate their feelings- Butterfly did not hurt anyone. 

It felt good to know she was supported. 

It felt good to see so many parents and younger siblings at the school- all day long- helping the Teachers and the children. 

It felt good when our friend came and gave us hugs, telling us she was glad we were there- finally. 

It felt good when her son- the third grader- came from his class to say hello to Butterfly.

It felt good to see all the boys with long hair, the kids of different races, the different styles. 

It felt good to observe other children with challenges. 

It felt good to feel part of a community. 

It felt good to hear Teacher give the kids choices and opportunities to volunteer. 

It felt good when one of the Teachers found out Butterfly likes Bugs and took her to see some right in the middle of the activity because Butterfly wanted to see. 

It felt good to sing the morning song in Russian. 

It felt good to sit in the outdoor classroom.

It felt good to be at a new school.

A Fresh Start

We decided. 

Yesterday, Partner spent the day at the Charter- with little Brother because he did not have school. It is such a different environment. She spoke with the woman staff person who helps with transitions, she met the teachers and talked with the Principal. She observed classroom time and playground time. They actually have an outdoor classroom. 

Partner talked about Butterfly's struggles. They said they have worked with it before. They said if aggression becomes an on-going issue, that Butterfly would have a reflection day- so she can reconnect with her family, become grounded again.... they just have a different way of talking about things. They hold our views.

Partner also took both kids for a playdate at a friend's home later that afternoon. The friend has a kid in school with Brother and also a kid in 3rd grade at the Charter. Her kid at the charter has OCD and has thrived in the school.  The kids can write passes to go to visit other rooms during the day.  Her son said he will write a pass to go check on Butterfly. That mad Butterfly feel good.

Partner met another mom  at the school. Her kid has severe sensitivity issues and is doing well.  He just transferred last week.  The mother actually stays at the school with her kid all day- and the teachers like that.

Yesterday, at her regular school, Butterfly was attacked on the yard by another little girl. Attacked is the Principal's word -not mine- although I agree with it. Partner rushed to the school to pick her up- she was crying and shaking uncontrollably.  Butterfly kept saying "I tried to walk away, I tried to walk away." It happened on the yard- fortunately, a teacher saw it this time so Butterfly was not automatically blamed. Principal was not comforting Butterfly when Partner arrived. Butterfly was sitting in a chair by herself, Principal working behind her desk.

The little girl started calling her stupid and ugly. Then she jumped on her, pulled out a huge chunk of hair, ripped her pants off while the other little girls watched.

I have noticed a shift in Butterfly this week. There have been no incidents at home or school. She is quick to apologize. She basically does not interact with the other children in her class. On the walk to school yesterday, she told me how she is not "mean" anymore. That she tries hard to be nice. That it is hardest when the kids call her stupid and ugly. It makes her want to hurt them. 

I cannot in good faith keep taking her to that school every morning. In my bones it does not feel right. When Partner talked about the new school, Butterfly said she wants to go. We talked about it as an opportunity to start over. To take everything she has learned and move to this new school. Butterfly is ready to move.  Partner and I are not kidding ourselves- we know the issues will continue, maybe even flare up. The Teachers might get frustrated here too. But, Butterfly is in therapy now. We have a school with only 125 students- she can stay there through 8th grade. Brother can attend also. They have more experience working with kids "like" Butterfly. They want us to be involved in every step. 

Monday will be Butterfly's first day. We will be there with her. A fresh start.

Charter

The Charter school called. There is a spot for us! Partner goes today to pick up paperwork. We go on Monday morning to observe "Morning Meeting" and meet with some of the staff.

We have no idea what to do.

There are so many things that we like about the school. They have a humanistic approach. The teach non-violence. There are only 125 students in the whole school- and it goes through 8th grade. They encourage (actually require) parent involvement.  They do not suspend- they do have "reflections days" Before a student can return after a "reflection day" they must have a reentry meeting which includes the teacher, the student, the parents and others as appropriate. 

They do not have desks. They do not use textbooks. They do have high test scores. They do have kids that have struggled in more traditional settings. The former Principal there- our friend- who knows Butterfly and some of her struggles- thinks it would be a great spot for her.  

Since it is a charter, it would allow us to move somewhere cheaper in LA without worrying we are jeopardizing the kids home school. And we have to move somewhere cheaper by July.  That means that Butterfly would have to switch schools in 1st grade anyway. Brother would be guaranteed a spot. 

The questions we want to ask are- How do they handle a child that is disruptive in class? What is the structure? Would Butterfly have the option to write in her diary or draw or whatever when she feels the need (they won't let her at her current school)? What skills and resources do they have in place for working with Butterfly? etc.

I told Partner- if we make the move, let's just assume that nothing would be better. Things might actually escalate for a while. Then let's listen to their answers- objectively. And make the decision. We have to decide next week.

Partner asked Butterfly what she would think of a different school- Butterfly responded it would be good. When Teacher filled out the check box form for the psychiatrist re Butterfly's behavior, one of the things she checked was that Butterfly has no friends. It is painfully apparent when I drop off or pick up. Her impulse and personal boundary struggles have ostracized her from her classmates. 

Maybe this would be a fresh start - although I know you can't  run from your problems. But maybe, just maybe, this would be a good time to do it. Now that she is in therapy. Since she does not have friends at her current school. Since she knows Teacher is frustrated. Maybe a clean slate would help. But, we really just don't know.

No matter what, it would eventually provide that stability for when we have to move... and we wouldn't have to be concerned about the local neighborhood school- whether it was a good fit.  I look forward to figuring it out. I am excited to go on Monday. 

Doc

The New Year has been fabulous for Butterfly Girl. The winter break was so healing and therapeutic for all of us. It is like we have all started over. Butterfly has had a great week at school- no incidents, at least no phone calls.  Communication with Teacher and Principal is still only around the bad. 

Butterfly saw Psychiatrist for the first time on Monday. Partner and I had seem him the week before. I took Butterfly to her appointment. We told her he was a "talking doctor"- someone she could talk and play with- someone she could tell her feelings to. Butterfly just wanted to know what kind of toys he had. She got all dressed up for her appointment and waited patiently until it was time to go.

Butterfly and I followed Doc from the waiting room into his office. The office was spotless, a long wall of books and periodicals and another wall with dark brown baskets. Butterfly stood in the center of the room for a minute and then headed straight for the baskets. Sure enough, they were filled with toys and treasures.

Doc went and sat on the floor with her. I tried to be inconspicuous choosing to settle on the couch. Butterfly still hadn't said a word. Doc was moving very slowly- he is very calm and I like that. I felt like an intruder myself. I didn't want the Doc to ask me to leave so after a few minutes, I moved out to the waiting room with Butterfly's approval.

Of course, once I was out there, behind two locked doors, away from Butterfly, I began to second guess everything. Who was this Doc? It isn't like we really know him. What is he talking about in there? Will he let her come to me if she wants to leave?

After what seemed like an eternity, Butterfly poked her head in the waiting room. Doc said "I think I would like to see her again." That surprised me-the original plan was that Partner and I had an appointment, then Butterfly and then he would go to the school. That was his standard. 

Why did he need to see her again? Why was he deviating from the plan? Had something horrible come up? Had he identified some behavior already?  I couldn't ask much with Butterfly standing there. Doc told me he would schedule some time to talk with me after her second appointment.

So now we wait. 

Butterfly told me she wants to go back to see him. That is a good sign. We go Wednesday night. I like the doc. I feel like we are on a good path. Everything is smooth right now. Things feel good. 

10 Days

The last 10 days have been like something from a different life. Butterfly Girl's behavior has been wonderful. Happy. Relaxed. Thoughtful. Kind. Funny. None of the usual challenging behavior. I am amazed by the difference.

Then, yesterday morning she asked about school. How many days left of vacation? That evening when she asked again at supper I asked her how she was feeling about returning.  Butterfly said she was excited because she wanted to bring her new diary to school. Anytime she felt like she needed to write or draw, she would just tell Teacher and start writing. 

My heart sunk. Teacher will not allow her to have the diary in class. We have already talked to the school about it. I told Butterfly we would talk to Teacher on monday. She started grinding her teeth.

Later, Butterfly threw a toy at Brother - the first time in over a week. I noticed the shift when I put her in time out. It was more difficult for her to re-regulate. She was super frustrated. She was angry.  

Partner and I talked about it later. We think starting Monday we will voluntarily pull Butterfly from school early- give her half days. We are so tempted to just keep her home. We can feel the pressure building in her. It seems cruel to even send her to the school.  It is so clearly not not a healthy environment for Butterfly. We hope the psychiatrist will give us some direction tomorrow when we meet him for the first time tomorrow.

No word back from the charter school yet.  In our minds, we have begun to imagine again how great that place would be for Butterfly. If Butterfly wanted to write in her diary all day, she could. They would encourage her to try new letters, write about new ideas. If the school opens, we will need to be very objective in what she would actually be permitted. It is easy to imagine things would be different or better elsewhere.