Superheroes

Butterfly had a play date at a friends house yesterday. That is happening more and more. Of course, it makes me feel really good that she has come so far.  A year ago, it would have been very risky to leave her at a friends house. We probably would have found some place to park around the corner and under the pretense of enjoying a cup of coffee at the corner shop, sat waiting nervously with cell phone on the table.... waiting for the inevitable call.'

How far we have come. We dropped her off and, with a hug and a kiss goodbye, we turned our full attention to Brother. Now Brother is often the second fiddle. The way we structure our days to the way we head out of the house or leave a playground - it all centers on Butterfly's needs. Not that we aren't aware of that. But, having smooth transitions is a boost for the whole family. Much better than managing a screaming, hitting little girl.

So, anyway, Partner and I plan to give Brother the day of his life! We stop first at a comic store. The kind with all the weird people inside browsing through thousands of superhero comic books while the grown adults gently handle the statues of R2D2 with the reverence of the Virgin Mary. A little uncomfortable but it is a store Brother has been begging to visit every time we pass it. So, in we went.  We made it out 40 minutes later, Brother the proud new owner of a Spiderman poster... his first poster ever.  He calls it wallpaper and can't wait to get home and hang it.

After a stop to play at the beach, the three of us, poster in tow, head home to hang it. In his room, there is only one place it will fit and that involves taking down his little hanging quilt with the farm animals and his name stitched across the bottom. As I am folding it to put in the closet, the new Spiderman poster looming above his bed, I realize he is growing up! My little baby boy has moved from cows, horsies and sheep to dark villains and superheros.

A little later, when Partner leaves to pick up Butterfly, Brother and I decide to make a nice dinner for them as a surprise. He is so excited to show her his new poster. He tells me he is really big boy now. He sets the table, chooses music and picks flowers from the backyard.  He has missed Sister all day. He can't wait to see her. While he chops fruit for the salad, we sing at the top of our lungs "The Girl with the most cake". He insists on making brownies for Sister and that we light candles- just like a real restaurant. 

Five minutes in the door, Sister explodes. She sits in her room (her own choice) while the three of us try to pretend we are in a fancy restaurant. Butterfly is screaming, things crashing in the kids bedroom. I try to peek my head in only to be told to fuck off, get out, I hate you!!  I return to the table straining to smile and pretend I am enjoying our dinner. Brother is trying to ignore it too as we yell how tasty dinner is back and forth over the loudening din of angry six year old screams. 

She finally emerges with a smirk on her face.  She sits across the room, glaring at me defiantly. It slowly dawns on me what she has done. I calmly get up from the table and make my way to the kids bedroom. On the floor and strewn across the bed is Brother's new Spiderman poster. Ripped into pieces. Shredded on the floor. 

I am so angry I can't think straight. I don't want to even look at Butterfly. I don't have any extra money to run to the store and buy another poster. I don't want to hear Brother's cries when he sees his new treasure. He was so excited- he felt like such a big boy. He had gotten something just for him. He had taken down his little boy quilt. He had wnated his sister...he had needed his sisters approval.

 I come out of the room and mouth the words to Partner. Butterfly is raging again. Brother is still trying to enjoy the dinner he worked so hard on. I grab Butterfly and put her in a different room. I ask Partner to continue eating with Brother. I go get the tape.  For the next hour, I piece together his poster with packing tape. It is obviously ripped, torn. But I manage to get most of the pieces lined up well enough. I move through my emotions- rage, anger, confusion, disappointment, and then a deep, settling sadness that comes with exhaustion.

Over the next several hours before bedtime, there are many talks with Butterfly. At bedtime, as I lay down next to her, she begins screaming again. Partner and Brother move to the other room so Brother does not have to bear witness to the cruel, hurtful words she is screaming at me.  I acknowledge her feelings. Over and over. She is so close to my face, I can feel her warm breath, her spit flying. After 20 minutes, she slows down. She is still mad- but that is my Butterfly Girl. She asks me to rub her back and as I slowly scratch her back, I feel her tension releasing and she falls into a deep sleep.

I lay awake for several hours pondering the events of the evening.... how things could have been different, why it has to be so hard, how much it hurts Brother and Partner.... and finally, I escape into a deep dark sleep where I find some peace- at least for a few hours.

The Funny Things Kids Say...

It is the start of a New Year. Hard to believe the journey we have been on together the past six years with little Butterfly Girl. Of course, she is not so little anymore- already 6 and, quite honestly, acting like a 13 year old most of the time. "Whatever" with a roll of the eyes or asking for alone time in her room or complete defiance...she feels so misunderstood and she tells me that often.  She is still very angry.  Before we could never figure out what she was angry about- now she tells us- constantly. She hates me, she hates her brother, she hates her dinner, she hates her dog, she hates her room, she hates, hates, hates....  But, although it is absolutely exhausting, I see it as progress. At least she is verbalizing it. And, I sit and listen until she is "done" and then she is generally able to move on. Such big, complex emotions for a little one. She must be as exhausted by it as I am.

But sometimes I am reminded that she is still just a little kid. Either from a surprise hug or a question about how the world works or something she says.  Two of my favorite conversations this year revolved around dogs.  About a month ago, we picked her up from park day (her school spends every Friday at a large, local State park). 

Anyway, from the back seat she says "I finally got to see a pimple." 

"A pimple?" I ask.

"Yeah. I have been waiting to see one."

"Hmmm.... when did you see the pimple?" I ask.

"Today. Down by the water. My friend's dad showed it to us."

"The dad?" I ask.

"Yeah. We got to pet it and play with it. It was really cute."

"Hmmm......" my mind racing.

"Are you talking about a dog?" I asked.

"Yeah. A pimple."

"Oh... a pit bull.  You got to pet a pit bull."

"Yeah. Whatever. A pit bull.  It was cute."

And then last night, we were talking about our family's 2010 New Year resolution- one of which is "Make a difference for Mother Earth." Butterfly was talking about the ways she planned to help including recycling, helping animals, etc. She remembered the other week when Partner and the kids were out and found a lost dog wandering the streets.

"We can help Mother Earth by finding homes for her animals when they are lost."

"That's a great way to help" I said.

"Just like the other day when we saw that lost dog."

"What dog was that?" I ask.

"She was wandering lost. We think she had a pit load of puppies because her bras were hanging down."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yup. She had a pit load of puppies somewhere because her bras hung way down to the ground."

"Hmmm.... yes, that is a great way to help Mother Earth."

"Yeah. Whatever."

Ahhhh.... here's is to a New Year full of growth, struggles and lots of laughs.

A New Chapter

For a while I stopped writing. I think I was trying to assume a new sense of normalcy as Butterfly Girl grows and matures, outbursts become less frequent and life unfolds. I also stopped because the whole mess around the charter school was terrifying and perhaps I thought not writing about it would help squash all the uncertainty and keep my terror of "what the hell are we going to do if there is no charter?!"  far enough under the surface. 

All that said, the charter did not come through and we were left at a dead end with no where to turn- or so we thought. But life has a way of unfolding and in my life I have always been fortunate to have a trap door open at the last minute through which I always fall clumsily into a new and wonderful experience.

Welcome to Play Mountain Place (PMP). The new school. It has been around for 60 years and it isn't going to go away. It is child-centered. It is humanistic. It is inclusive. The whole day is spent almost entirely outdoors. There are no textbooks, homework, formal classes. There is no raising hands or sitting on squares. There are no bells or lines. There is no "lunchtime"- just eat when you are hungry. Butterfly often eats her lunch perched high in a tree.  

There is morning meeting where kids share plans and problems and questions. There are "teacher led" plans including water plans, wood shop, recorder, rock band, origami, reading, digging and more. There are kid led plans too. Kids choose what they want to participate in on any given day. Butterfly has built a dog house and a bird house. Numerous fascinating and intricate origami pieces have come home. She is learning to play the recorder. On Peace Day last week, the kids made signs out of cardboard and did an impromptu march through the busy city streets near the school. Honk for Peace. 

The yard is an oasis in the middle of the throbbing city. Providing a natural ceiling, tall, old trees worn by 60 years of kids like Butterfly climbing and swinging from the branches cover the yard.  You cannot hear the sound of traffic, horns or airplanes. Structure of wood in shapes and configurations wilder than Dr. Sueus' imagination provide challenging climbing structures and forts. There are geodesic domes for art and meetings. There is a small stage for impromptu performances.  The kids in her yard range from 5 - 12. They interact all day. 

And... the coolest thing... is the mush area. I think this must have been designed 60 years ago for a kid just like Butterfly. The floor and walls are covered with those mats you see in gymnastics. There is a punching bag. A wall of old newspapers  waiting to be torn, thrown, ripped, stomped on. Large padded things to wrestle with or throw. The mush area is to help kids get out energy and also work out big feelings that are manifesting physically in a safe area. Butterfly spent the first three days in there... by her own choice of course.

 We are all learning a new language. I am learning a new way to parent. Our parenting classes at school start next month. All the parents are required to take them. Brother is also in school at PMP. He is in a younger yard with kids 3 -5. In a couple years, they will be on the same yard. 

Much has happened in the last couple weeks since school started. A new chapter in our lives. More to come.

Happy Birthday Butterfly!

Butterfly Girl turned six. And that was no small feat. I don't mean the year of ups and down- the emotional battles won and lost, the fears, the questions. I mean the birthday party.

Last year Butterfly Girl did not have a birthday party. She is one of the unfortunate ones that has a birthday in the summer- meaning school is out and friends scattered by summer plans. This holds true until high school at least. So, unless you are well liked, it can be hard  to fill a summer party with little kids.  

This year, with some coaxing, she decided she wanted a party with friends. Partner and I were excited. We planned for the big day, reserving a giant slip 'n slide, the Tinkerbell ice cream cake, and party favors.  It was a luau theme and served fruit kabobs. Butterfly decorated home with flower leis, musical instruments, stuffed animals and a pineapple.

The morning passed to afternoon. I had cold feet. Would anyone really show up? The evite said yes. I tried to curb my jitters by taking pre-party pics of the Butterfly and Brother on the big slide. 1 PM arrived... and so did the friends. One after another, little kids from her class walked through the door bearing cards or gifts. They displayed no nervousness. After a quick assessment of the house, toys and snacks, each kid inevitably ran to the slip n slide. Butterfly slipped along with the rest of them.  Everyone was having fun.

We broke out the cake. Kids gathered around to sing The Song. As their little voices rang out, Butterfly covered her ears and hid her head in partners skirt. When the singing was over, Butterfly had the biggest piece of cake. 

Long after everyone had gone home for the night, Butterfly and I had a few moments together while she explored her pile of very thoughtful gifts (she really scored).  We talked about the party, her friends, Brother, being six.... After a few moments of silence, where I actually tried to steal a quick cat nap, I felt her pulling on my leg. She said,  "You know, having friends is kinda fun." And with that she scooted off to play.  

"Okay. Maybe later."

Butterfly struggled from the moment she woke up yesterday. She seemed very angry- a short fuse. By the time Teacher came to pick her up for the day, she had  already had two explosive episodes. Apparently she struggled at camp too. By the time I arrived home from work, everyone seemed a bit frazzled. 

We had plans to go to a concert at the beach with the whole family. Before we left, Butterfly began screaming, big tears rolling down her face while she writhed around on the ground- angry? disappointed? sad? There was no play structure for her at the beach. She wanted to play at a playground- period.  I couldn't touch her. She was too much on the edge. I sat on the floor with her thinking most almost 6 yr. olds don't do this..why do I keep losing her to her own feelings? Why do I still feel so helpless? Why don't I know how to soothe her yet? 

I suddenly felt exhausted. I had rushed home from work so we could all enjoy the evening. I was really looking forward to doing something fun. I was angry with myself for not being able to see these tidal waves coming... and not being able to prevent them. I was sad for Brother who was excited and happy about the concert, vying for my attention which was focused solely on Butterfly. I was mad at Butterfly... here we go again. Either one of us has to stay home with her or we all go and risk having to leave quickly if we have another episode.  And, no matter what, we will be late because we can't walk out the door like this. 

I move to give her space so she can't kick me. Then I begin my monologue, which it always is at this point. "It looks like you are having some really big feelings right now." Inside, I acknowledge that I am having some damn big feelings too. I try to stay in observation mode-  neutral, calm. I remember Teacher telling me long ago that she doesn't take it personally. I breathe and ask for a little patience. If Butterfly senses that I am in a hurry, it always takes much longer. I move to the present and let go of our plans.  I continue talking. I always wonder if she can even hear me at moments like this. 

Eventually I notice a slight shift in the tension in her body. I move forward and scoop her up. I am struck by how big she is, how her body pours out of my lap. She is hot and still wound tight. I begin to rock her. She finally blurts out "I don't know what I am feeling! I don't know what it is that I am feeling!" That is the break through. I know very well she doesn't know what she is feeling... or why. How could any little child begin to process emotions that rage so heavily inside? I know it is not time to press her to explore her emotional battlefield. It is still too raw.  I just hold her and rock her. I remind her that it is okay to feel. I acknowledge that sometimes feelings can be scary. I remind her that she can always talk to me... about anything... even if she doesn't know what to say...or has nothing to say.  After I say it, I realize it doesn't make any sense but she knows I am trying to reassure her. She knows I don't make sense a lot of the time. She is okay with my imperfections.

Eventually, we make an agreement to work on pulling through it for the rest of the evening. We agree to make our plan be "to have some fun."  She is subdued in the back seat on the drive over, wringing her hands, her jaw set tightly. I am worried as it takes longer to find a parking space than anticipated. She sees a playground and says she wants to go. Oh no. This is what started it all. I remind her that we are here for the concert not the playground. I look back it her through the mirror and hold my breath, waiting for her reply. After a moment, she looks up and says "okay. maybe later." I know that we will be okay again. I look at my little family and I am overwhelmed by my good fortune. I have everything I need right in that moment, inside the car. 

We have a great evening. She acts like a kid and I notice the tension, although still there, has begun it's release. I find that I have relaxed too. 

Bring on the Bugs!

Today Butterfly Girl had "camp" with her amazing Teacher. Teacher is hanging out with her... exploring and doing fun things. Last year, Butterfly went to a "regular" camp.  It was only during the day but she did not know anyone... kids or counselors. It was horrible for her. We stopped sending her after two days. Now, when I look back on it, I feel horrible- just imagining how painful that experience was for her. I don't know what we were thinking. 

But, today she had a blast which is great because we have had a rough couple weeks since school has been out. When I got home from work, Butterfly ran to see me hollering about some bug Teacher had given her. On closer inspection and explanation, I learned that she had been gifted a praying mantis. Praying Mantis eat bugs and, according to Butterfly, we will need to catch small bugs every morning to feed her.  They cannot be in the same habitat with the stick bugs because the praying mantis will eat them. She was so excited and, although I don't relish the idea of bug hunting every morning, I am kinda excited too. And secretly I am a little proud that Butterfly Girl likes bugs.  I love bugs too. She acknowledge that her pet collection is growing. Then she reminded me that "means my spirit is growing too".  Bring on the bugs!

Butterfly Graduates

Yesterday Butterfly Girl graduated Kindergarten. I was so proud of her - she could have been winning the Nobel Peace award. The whole graduation felt somewhat surreal.  The names of her classmates were called one by one. The children would run or walk or skip across the blacktop to get their certificate from the teacher. And then I heard her name.   

This year it did not go silent when her name was called. I heard clapping and cheering- several classmates shouted out her name. She stuck her tongue out at no one in particular before she stood up.  Then she walked slowly, head down with the famous Butterfly Girl scowl sprawled across her face.  I was so proud- that was my girl. Some parent behind me said "Oh my- that is an unhappy girl."  I decided not to turn around and see who it was. I didn't want anything to ruin our moment.  Actually, the woman's comment kinda made it all perfect- there has all been something bittersweet about every moment in Butterfly's short life. The fact was, this woman was making an observation of Butterfly on the outside. The secret with Butterfly Girl is always on the inside.  Butterfly was happy. And Butterfly was very proud. I bet she heard everyone of her schoolmates that cheered and shouted for her.  

The year has certainly had its ups and downs. We started the year at the public school near our old house. We felt so normal the first few days walking Butterfly to school, sharing smiles and morning nods over portable cups of coffee. But then, Butterfly Girl started getting sent to the Principal's office several times a week, The kids teased her and would not play with her. The Teacher became frustrated and asked for us to consider IEP and Special Ed. Butterfly was suspended from school and sent home early countless times. They wanted her to only come for a half day. They questioned our parenting. They told us something was wrong with Butterfly. Parents and Teachers began to look at us differently. We got sucked into a horrible dark hole with constant battles with Principal, Teacher, school psychiatrist.... We began to take Butterfly to an outside Psychiatrist while we desperately searched for answers.  Then one day Butterfly Girl was attacked by a group of girls on the play yard- they pulled down her pants and kicked her while she lay crying on the asphalt. That was her last day at the other School. That day we swore we would never put her back in the "system."

And then, like some miracle, we got a call from the charter school that same afternoon. A spot had opened. We could start on Monday.  We cried with joy. Little did we know at that moment what a wonderful, life changing experience we were about to embark on. I began to read everything I could on this new way to communicate- Non Violent Communication. I practiced with Partner and the kids. Butterfly connected with one of her Teacher's and the Teacher connected with her. Transformations began to happen. A veil was lifted and we could see some hope. The Teacher became a pillar of support. The school and the philosophy became the foundation for our much stronger family. Butterfly stopped seeing the Psychiatrist. She had a few Reflection days (days when she was sent home from school because she was struggling to be there). There were still phone calls from the school- but this time it was to provide Butterfly the opportunity to talk with us- we would support her and help to bring her back to a place where she could function for the remainder of the school day. But most importantly, Butterfly made some friends. She had play dates and even had her first sleep over!  

Butterfly graduated kindergarten.  

Conversations Overheard

This weekend Butterfly Girl had some friends over for a playdate. This is one of the conversations I overheard...

"Where is your Daddy?" asked Friend.

"I don't have a Daddy." said Butterfly.

"Don't you want a Daddy?" asked Friend.

"It isn't that I don't want a daddy. You see, my Momma and Doma fell in love together so I have them. We make a family."

No response from Friend.

"My Doma has short hair and sometimes looks like a boy but she is really a girl. Did you know that?" asked Butterfly.

Still no response from Friend.

"Well. let me tell you something more. Really I did not come from my mom or doma. They found me in an apple orchard... all alone... under a tree... crying... in a basket.  My real mom could not take care of me so she left me in an orchard. Mom and Doma found me in the basket. They loved me because I am so special. They took me and we made a family. I am adopted. They saved me from a life in the orchard." Butterfly explained.

Some more silence from the friend and then finally, "Oh. That's cool."

Changes

Well it's been a long time. I have to say that it is because of the shift in Butterfly Girl, in our family and in our support systems. This blog was meant to follow our journey through an uncompromising, unforgiving education and psychiatric system. A system that is difficult to navigate even for two loving , dedicated parents. This blog was meant to capture the emotional  highs and lows of living with a child that faced challenges and struggled in a "normal" environment (I have come to believe it to be more accurate to call it "inflexible").

However, we somehow found the most incredible, wonderful community that has shifted our rigid views of parenthood and childhood, appropriate behavior and priorities.  Not that we were strict and totally overbearing. I think we have always been searching, reading, working on our parenting skills. However, it has always been in the context of our middle class culture where priorities are fitting in, accommodating others, insisting on politeness, following the rules, etc. 

There is much more laughter in our home now. We thought we were somewhat chaotic before- you should see us now! It feels like we have all become kids in some ways. We are more joyful, inquisitive...I spend more time laying on the grass, looking at bugs, chasing, telling scary stories, singing and dancing.

And Butterfly Girl spends more time laughing and playing. She still struggles with things deep inside her- insecurities and fears. She doesn't like to lose. She still has a hard time making friends. She does not like to have limits set for her...and certainly does not like being told "no". 

The other night I went to put her to bed and she got really angry. She was not done playing and was not ready for bed. She threw a huge tantrum...huge. I kept remembering something I had recently read in a book. Just let her have the tantrum. Let her express it. I told her we still needed to go to bed so we went to her room and I laid down in the bed with her. She proceeded to scream, yell and say some very hurtful things. I remembered not to take it personally. Instead, I told her I could see she was having some really big emotions...she was feeling a lot. She still had a 20 minute tantrum but she exhausted herself and finally crawled over to me to snuggle. What was different this time was that she did not hit me. She was still very angry but she refrained from using her body to express it (or at least on me). She hit the bed and the pillows. She kicked the covers. But...she did not hit me. And that is a big change!

Growing Up

It has been so long since I have written. Butterfly is doing very well. She has adjusted with the move. She has settled down since the visitors have slowed. She was happy and playful over Spring break. She has been communicating her feelings and needs- probably does it better than me. I am afraid alot of that went out the window when we were moving. It is hard to be mindful when everything else is happening - and of course, it is the most important time to be mindful.  I'm still learning.

Yesterday I was struck by how much things have changed when she was playing with a boy. These two both have had hard times using words instead of hands, having explosive episodes, etc. We have actually known them a couple years and we have both sen the more challenging moments for each others families. The kids have really hurt each other a few times- so badly that on different occasions we have had to take long breaks from seeing each other. 

But over Spring break, they played together and worked through any incidents that came up. It was really remarkable. Yesterday when her friend left, I told Butterfly that she and her friend had really negotiated and compromised to make their play date go smoothly. And she looked at me and said "Well, what do you expect? That we would hit it each other and yell? We are older now and don't do that anymore." 

That made me laugh. Could it really be that a real change has taken place?  That the length of time between compulsive and aggressive incidents has really stretched so far that it feels almost "normal"? Could it be that Butterfly is finally feeling safe with her own feelings? 

Today, I am just going to take a deep breath and let what changes have happened becoming fully apparent to me. I feel like I  need to stop and catch up on everything that has happened since January when we moved to the new school.  It has changed our lives.  Today, I am going to be thankful for my precious little girl and the changes she is embracing. Butterfly is growing up.

We did it!

We did it. We found Peter and Ava. We moved to our new home. We unpacked everything. We settled in!

Finding Peter and Ava was some something short of a miracle. We feel so lucky. Butterfly loves her new home. She hasn't even asked about the other house. She has enjoyed long scooter rides in her neighborhood. She loves to play in the backyard. She gets to choose which bathtub to bathe in. She spends time in the playroom building train tracks for Brother and working at her art table. She loves that she doesn't have to get on the freeway to get to school any more and appreciates the shorter drive too. The transition went smoothly- much better than we had hoped.

Yesterday at school she stated that she felt good because she was "going to be nice today." She had started off the day great- getting ready for school and being kind to Brother. Last night se told me that some of the kids had told her they still would not be her friends because she "used to be mean." She was very hurt. I asked her why they might have said that or why they might still be concerned. She said because they are worried she might still be mean. She said she was sad. I hope that today she tries to be "nice" again and does not give up. I worry that she does not get as much attention when she is "good" and that she reverts quickly to old behaviors.  We will see how it goes today....

The School voted on pursuing the charter extension or pursuing the new charter. The outcome- pursue the new charter. That means no more School as we know it next year. We hope that the new charter will be approved and that the community will continue to stay together. Of course, it will have to be a lottery which means she might not get in event if the new charter passes. If it does not pass, we are leaning towards home schooling her next year while we figure out what to do. I am not sure when we find out about the new charter... we try to remain hopeful.

Losing Peter

The MOVE is almost over thanks to my parents helping out. We were so happy to be in our new home tonight with everything finally here and although we still have some unpacking to do it really feels like home. Unfortunately, our dogs got out of the yard today - we still don't know how they escaped. Several hours of looking around the neighborhood turned up nothing. I finally got a call from a man who had found Ava but no sign of Peter. Ava is safely home again. 

Butterfly is very sad. She told me she is worried about Peter. I am too. Partner is beyond upset. I really don't know what to do. If I think of the things that could happen to Peter it is overwhelming. I just keep telling myself and Butterfly that someone has him in their home tonight. He has eaten a big dinner and is now snuggled up sleeping.

It is hard to manage the range of emotion we feel right now butwe are still happy to be at the new house. The kids have actually adjusted extremely well. Butterfly tells me often that she loves her new house. Brother says he "loves the neighborhood." Losing Peter is not what any of us need right now- we are so worried about him. It is so horrible. I have to imagine him safe.

Rough Days

TH past few days have been rough. Butterfly Girl has been acting so defiant and disrespectful. Not that I need her to be 100% compliant but everything is met with an argument, question or down right rudeness. I think Partner and I go threw waves of patience and then waves of frustration. Fortunately, the waves seem to happen at different times and one of us always is riding the patient wave.

Last night it was getting late and Butterfly kept stalling- not wanting to go to bed.  She began to throw a huge tantrum, screaming that she hates me and that I am stupid. Then she kicked me, hit me and scratched me. But through it all, I remained calm and eventually got her into her bed. I thought "wow, I did it!" But then it started again. She told me to get out and she only wanted mommy. She got out of bed and ran to Partner, refusing to let go, screaming loud enough to wake the neighbors in a four block radius. I was still focused and in the moment...not taking any of it personal... trying to talk through it.  Then she came over to me, balled up her little fist and punched me square on the nose. It really hurt. My NVC went out the window. I yelled "do not punch me in the face!" and walked away. Of course, that sent her completely over the edge. 

I felt bad for yelling. Sometimes when she begins to get physical I really don't know what to do. I can only negotiate with her for so long while she hits, scratches, spits, bites and kicks.  The yelling I can deal with but the other - I am at a complete loss.  One it hurts. Two, I can't just walk away because I am scared she will hurt herself. If I try to physically hold her, it almost always makes it worse. But it seems like, in those moments, she needs someone more than ever but her little body just won't let her get close or ask for help. I can see in her eyes that she knows it has escalated too far but she is liked a caged wild animal. She gets terrified and works herself into a frenzied state where she sometimes begins to hyperventilate. her mind starts working into a frenzy too. 

Last night she completely lost focus of where this had all started---it started over not wanting to go to bed. She was screaming she was scared of me and that I was always mean and never let her be in charge. In the beginning of the tantrum, I had calmly tried to remind her that it was my job to help set limits that were healthy for her including getting her to bed so she can get enough sleep. But by the end of the tantrum, after she punched me, it was like she had completely forgotten that this had all started because of not wanting to go to bed. It was all about me being a horrible, scary parent. And she said she wished she had never been born.  It always breaks my heart when she says that. It is so horrible. I so much wanted to just hold her but she wasn't ready even after we both calmed down. Of course, I apologized for yelling.  She hid under her pillow, holding Partner and she would not look at me. If I could take it all back I would. 

Sometimes I just don't know if she understands that it is never okay to hit or use your body to hurt someone. I feel like she just doesn't take it seriously - sometimes this no consequences method is really challenging. I was frustrated from being kicked, scratched and hit but was still trying to stay with her in the moment and work through it.  I was shocked when she punched me after I had been trying so hard to remain grounded and patient through the huge tantrum. 

It has been escalating for a few days now and we couldn't seem to get through to her the past few days. She has been so defiant and rude. Maybe it has to do with the emotions around moving. However, I think it mainly has to do with NVC.  She is encouraged to say what she needs. She does not have to "share" anything just to be polite. She does not even have to be polite - at least not just for the sake of being polite. She does not get consequences any more (or we try our best not to give her consequences).  She is encouraged to offer different solutions, plans, etc. to whatever we propose- and we listen to it and take it seriously.  All that is a big shift for all of us. And, she has not yet found a way (most of the time) to balance her needs with the needs of others. It is all about her. The obnoxious stage is what Rosenberg calls it. 

All that said, these tantrums are much less frequent. The "attitude" is pretty much on all the time but not the physical outbursts. We just have to keep the patience and see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will get through.  I just pray for a little extra patience. And it always helps me if I can find some humor in it.  

It helps that she has her wonderful school to balance it. The other evening we were talking about the people we love. She said, "You know who I love? Traci (that is one of her teachers).  I love her like a mom."  Still doesn't look good for the school. There is a big meeting this evening. The school council is recommending that we stop pursuing the charter extension (which means no more school) and focus our energies in getting a charter for a new (somewhat different) school passed. We vote on it tomorrow. I think I will listen to the wisdom of the people that have been so involved in this process and vote accordingly. But I am so sad to lose this school.  And I am disgusted that the school system cannot recognize the value of a learning environment that fosters emotional intelligence and community values. I hate the cookie cutter approach. I am appalled that our elected officials, school board members and others are so blinded by politics and bureaucracy. There is much to be done in this world.

Moving

We have to move. We are excited about it. Butterfly seems to be excited too. But of course there are a range of emotions that go with moving. Yesterday she had a rough day at school. After phone calls from the Teacher, Partner went to hang out at school with Butterfly. That made the rest of day go smoothly.

When I got home that night, I asked Butterfly why she thought she had a hard time at school (and reminded her that she was not in trouble). I asked her is she was having a lot of feelings about the move. Very matter of fact, she said "Yup. I am." And then she was off playing again. I think we will be able to help her transition through this move much easier now that we have this new way of communicating. I still think it will be rough. Brother also seems to be having some difficulties. Butterfly knows what moving is- she has done it several times. Brother - not so much. 

Fortunately, we are very close to our current house. We have explained that she will stay in the same school, visit with the same friends, go to the same playgrounds... She seems to trust that will happen. We have visited the new house several times with them too. Butterfly is excited that there are sidewalks where she can ride her scooter. She also pointed out to me that we are very close to Airport Park (we are in the flight path). She loves that playground.

Yesterday morning when Partner was packing some boxes she stood looking around the room. Partner asked her what she was thinking and she said "Just checking to make sure all my stuff is still here".  I think after a week or two in the new house it will really hit and then we might have some issues. At one point she told me she would miss her bed and toys. I reminded her that everything is coming with us. So then she told me that she will miss the blue ceiling fan. Well, we can't bring that. I told her that I have some things I will miss too. It is okay to be sad. But I am also excited about the things at the new house- like a fireplace where we can roast marshmallows and a yard where we can camp out. She said she will like that too.

Thinking of Back-Up Plans

There is some change that is so subtle that is happening with Butterfly Girl. besides the great success at school and significant behavior changes I am noticing something more subtle. It is almost a different energy. I hear her say okay more often. I notice that when things start to erupt I can still get through to her - I can help her stay grounded. She is able to "come back" and talk through it. She is so much more relaxed and patient. Don't get me wrong- she is still Butterfly Girl with all her defiance and sensitivity wrapped in to one little bundle- it just seems maybe the bundle isn't wrapped so tightly now. 

I am so worried about the school. I really can't figure out what we will do. Tonight we are going (hopefully) to a party with some of the parents from the school. They are going to have a fire and a  drumming circle- try to raise some good energy for the school. Part of me just doesn't want to think about it at all. The other part says I need to be realistic and imagine the worst case scenario happened so we can create a back up plan for our little Butterfly Girl. it is completely overwhelming and consuming when I do think about it. I can't bear telling this little girl that she has to move schools again. I feel like that will be such a let down for her. A violation of her trust in us. If the school closes, I have to hope that she has gained enough of a foundation to be able to hold onto what she has learned. It pains me so much. 

There is no way we will send her back to a regular school. I don't know where else we could send her though. Maybe home school... I am wondering if some of the other families might choose homeschooling- we could all still meet for playdates, field trips, learning groups, etc... Some of the parents are just checking with their local schools and that just isn't an option for Butterfly. I have to believe that the best thing will work out for us. In the meantime, we have to fight for it. 

We still have not said anything to Butterfly about it- we won't until summer when we have a plan. I just can't imagine what that will do to her. I feel like it is our fault somehow- we should have been more thoughtful or protective...planned better. Would we have gone to this school if we knew the charter was going to be pulled? We did know it was a possibility. But, when I look back I still have to say yes, we would have moved to this school. We could not stay at her old school. We were at the end of the line there. I guess no matter what happens, this has introduced us to a wonderful community, to NVC and to humanistic approach to education. And that has been extremely valuable.

The other day we got a call from School to come pick up Butterfly. She had bitten someone (that is a new one) and was having a very hard time. Teacher told her that she was going to have go home because biting was not okay, etc... Butterfly did not want to leave school and was scratching a spiting. Partner headed out to pick her up. However, on the way, Teacher called and said don't come- something amazing is happening. Apparently, Butterfly and one of the little girls she had gotten into it with were sitting down and talking through it. 

Butterfly told the girl that she had been crying the night before because the little girl was not nice to her and gave her mean looks and did not include her. Then the other little girl shared that she did not like it when Butterfly made noises (sometimes Butterfly will make noises that can be very disrupting). They went on talking and ended up making an agreement with each other. Butterfly asked her to tell her when she was making noises that bothered the little girl and she would stop. Then they started talking about their families- the little girl shared that she used to have a mom and dad but that her dad now lived in another house and that was hard. Butterfly shared that she had two moms and a little brother. 

They continued talking and playing together for the rest of the afternoon. It was a huge turning point for Butterfly that both helped her see how to work through things with words and also how to listen to someone else's needs and I think it also made her feel more accepted. It was so wonderful- she seemed so relaxed and at ease later that evening. I know it meant so much to her- I think she might have even been a little proud of herself. This school is amazing.

We are very concerned about the School. I don't think it looks good. It is really just too overwhelming to spend much time thinking about it. I really have no idea what we will do if it closes. 

Butterfly was so present tonight. She played with Brother and they got along great for the most part. At one point they became upset but when I asked Butterfly to explain what she needed to Bother it eventually cleared up....they worked it out themselves.  And later, I asked her how her day was and she said "I had fun at school. Sooo much fun!" This morning she had a dentist appointment. She actually asked if she was missing school because she wanted to be there. I can't imagine having to tell that little girl again that she has to change schools. And I don't know where we will find a school that is able to compare. I will never send her back into the regular system.  I don't know what we will do.

Charter Extension Meeting

This afternoon we meet to discuss the charter at Butterfly's school. I am interested to see how well organized it is, who we have on our team, etc. I can't believe this is happening. I have been talking to all my contacts- a few people know folks on the Board of Ed or in the Superintendents office. We have to keep this school.

Another Twist

Butterfly Girl's re-entrance meeting after her Reflection Day was a great experience- both for Butterfly and Partner. They arrived a few minutes before the meeting so Partner could speak with Principal. Turns out, he was running late, so the meeting was with one of her Teachers and the Communication Specialist.  Partner started in by letting them know what kind of experience Butterfly had in the past. They quickly understood what she was saying and to help decrease the power dynamics, they suggested everyone sit on the floor so they were all on the same level. Apparently, Butterfly remained in the rocking chair for a few minutes but then joined them on the floor without coercion.

They talked about the Reflection Day and about her agreement. Butterfly participated (which is incredible on its own!) by sharing which teacher she felt safest with and would approach first if she felt like she was beginning to have a hard time controlling her body. She also identified another teacher to approach if the first one was not available. She asked that the school call her Mom when she started to feel that way.   The meeting wasn't long but it was such a significant turning point for Butterfly. She did not feel like she was in trouble. She felt like people were there to help her and that they cared about what she needed in those moments. I think Butterfly took a little leap of faith and decided to trust the people in the room. That has to be healing for her. She has held on to so much distrust and anger from the other school(s).  

I am not expecting a miracle- I am hoping that she will remember her agreement when she begins to feel out of synch with her body - but, most importantly, I know her Teachers will remember. And they will be there to help her through the next moment by reminding Butterfly of her agreement. Over time, Butterfly will begin to trust more knowing that she is safe there. I believe that will allow her to begin to ask for help before things escalate. And that is a lesson she can carry with her for the rest of her life. 

Butterfly went on to have a great day at school. An older friend invited Butterfly to come to her classroom in the afternoon. The kids can go visit other classrooms during the day if they are invited by a student in the class and the Teacher says okay. Butterfly was ecstatic when she told me about it that evening. I was too.  I was glad she had a friend that wanted to spend time with her.  I know how much that means to Butterfly. Slowly, it is all coming together. I am so grateful for this school.

So, it was heartbreaking to find out that afternoon that our school might lose it's charter next year. That means no more wonderful school. We just can't believe it. It is always something. However, I am reminded that things always work out for us - even when we think we are at a complete dead end. We will fight for the school.  I have written letters to all the members of the Board of Education. I will attend a meeting Tuesday afternoon.  I will talk to my representatives. We will not let them take away our school. Partner and I have already decided we will not send Butterfly back into a standard classroom.  That means we cannot let our school go away. It has saved Butterfly from a life of psychiatric diagnosis, special ed, medications and whatever else. We do not know of any other schools that offer this kind of educational approach (humanistic) along with NVC in our area. We have to keep our school. I am ready for a good fight.

Reflection Day

Yesterday, Butterfly Girl was sent home from school for a Reflection Day. She was cycling really high- unable to control her body. She scratched a teacher, threw some dominoes and a few other things. She was also acting super silly. It is like on the inside she is cycling so fast she can't focus on any one thing- she giggles, throws her body around, makes noises. Sometimes when she gets like that I just want to hold her tight to keep her from hurting herself or someone else.

So, we got the call from Teacher to come get her. She explained that because there was so much physical stuff happening she thought it best if Butterfly leave for a reflection day to assure the safety of the other students. When Partner was leaving with Butterfly, Teacher told Butterfly that she was not mad at her. I think this is key for Butterfly. On the way home, Partner told Butterfly that she was not in trouble or  mad at her either. When she walked in the door, I told her I wasn't mad at her either. This is a much different way than we have handle it in the past- often reacting with anger, frustration, handing out consequences, etc. - this is something new we have learned at this school.

I asked her if she knew why she had been sent home but she was still too out of synch to respond much. I told her that the school needs to keep everyone safe including her and the other kids. She was given a Reflection Day so we could talk about what happened and make an agreement about what to do next time she feels this way. 

Partner had been given a piece of paper to fill out with Butterfly  and then bring back to school toady. They will meet with the Principal to review the plan that Butterfly has worked out. Later, when Butterfly had slowed down a little, I showed Butterfly the paper and talked about going to see the Principal in the morning. She immediately acted out- trying to grab the paper, calling it stupid, yelling no!   From the previous interactions with Principals and just school in general, Butterfly is extremely anxious whenever she "gets in trouble."  We have to change that way of thinking here- to let her know that she is not "in trouble" but that it is important for everyone to be safe at school. To remind her that we want to work with her to help be sure that happens. 

After some time, Partner got her to sit and talk through the questions and create an agreement to be shared with Principal this morning- I imagine wake-up time will be very difficult today when she remembers she needs to talk with the Principal. Partner is going to try to slip into his office before the meeting to make sure he is aware of her past experiences with Principals, getting "in trouble", etc. How this is handled today could be a major turning point for Butterfly. 

Late yesterday, Butterfly and I were running an errand. I asked her if there was anything different about how things happened at this school on rough days versus her old school. From the back seat, she exclaimed "Yes!" I asked how is it different? She responded, without hesitation, "They were all nice. They wanted to help. That made me feel good."  And, of course, that made me feel good.

Butterfly in Five

I think I have identified the stage of developing emotional responsibility that Butterfly Girl appears to be deeply immersed in. Emotional responsibility refers to accepting full responsibility of our own feelings but not the feeling of others while remaining empathetic and aware of the other persons emotions and needs.

In his book on Non Violent Communication, Dr. Rosenburg describes three stages that most people go through when learning to be emotionally responsible- 1. "emotional slavery"- believing we are responsible for other people's feelings,  2) "the obnoxious stage"- where we do not admit to caring what anyone else needs or wants and,  3) "emotional liberation"  where we accept full responsibility for own feelings but not others feelings while recognizing that our needs can never be met at the expense of others. 

All that said- I believe we have entered stage 2 - the obnoxious stage! Dr. Rosenburg talks about his own daughter entering this stage.  He had been talking with her about the fact that her needs were important and valuable and not to sacrifice expressing them to "make someone happy". This is particularly important for girls growing up in our society because historically girls are taught to put their needs last and to be the "caretakers". At any rate, he got a call from his daughter school. She had worn overalls to school and the Principal told her that was inappropriate clothing for a young girl to which she replied "Fuck off!"  Dr. Rosenberg talked about how excited he was to get that call. His daughter had finally entered the obnoxious stage! She was willing to express herself despite the fact the other person might become angry. Of course, he also knew it was time to begin helping his daughter move through to the next stage.

At any rate, I am finding Butterfly still teeters between stage one and two. But I embrace this movement away from her feeling like she needs to behave or say certain things to make me or someone else happy or proud.  Not to say this isn't a little trying on my patience- it does have a flair of obnoxiousness like when she tells me to stop practicing my mandolin because I am not good at it and I am making her ears hurt. But I see a new Butterfly beginning to emerge - one that will be stronger and self-confident because of her own sense of self--- valuing her needs and being in touch with her emotions. 

I realize what a delicate time this is- I think it is a critical stage that all girls enter at some point. However, many are shut down instead of being encouraged to express their thoughts and needs. They end up gogin back to stage one- often living their whole lives in emotional slavery. Girls are shut down- taught that their job is to "behave" and be polite and think about how everything they do and say impacts the other person. They are taught to monitor their words to accommodate the other person. They are rewarded for playing nicely, for taking care of their dolls, their friends and often their parents.

I want to help usher Butterfly through this stage to a healthy place where she can express her needs while understanding the  real emotional needs behind other peoples words. I do wonder at times what we are "creating" with this new language. These days I can always tell a kid that is somehow connected to NVC community- and although I don't come across them too often  outside of school, I am always on the look-out for these "little Buddhas"- ready to teach me something new in the most unexpected moments.  

The other day at the park I was redirecting Brother who was intent on crossing over a high hanging web apparatus on a jungle gym built for 6 - 11 yr olds. A 10 year old girl spoke up and said, "He can do it- there is a rope to hang onto."  I glanced over at her, a little annoyed and said "No, I don't feel comfortable with him crossing. It is too high" The little girl said "But, won't you be standing right there? You could catch him if he started to fall.  He wants to try it." More than a little annoyed now, I turned to her and said "No. It is not safe and I don't want him to cross."  I thought who is this kid talking to me like she is some kind of an adult?!  What does she know anyway? And then she responded, "Okay, I respect your decision. I wanted to be sure you were thinking about his needs." And then she scrambled down the jungle gym and was off running carefree cross the field.  

Wow. Where did she come from!? I still didn't let Brother cross because it wasn't safe. But, I thought to myself, is that my little Butterfly Girl in 5 years? Confident, well-spoken, not afraid to share her thoughts or opinions with any adult, not afraid to question authority, not a slave to anther person's reaction to her words, free to express herself?  I hope so... and I wished at that moment that I had stopped an engaged with this little kid- I probably could have learned something.