Building Confidence

Butterfly Girl is making such significant changes in the way she relates to people and handles her emotions. There is an 8th grader at her school that she really likes to play with at lunchtime. The 8th grader loves to tickle Butterfly and Butterfly has told me she does not like that. I talked with the girl once about it several weeks ago and it stopped happening. 

However, just recently it started again. Butterfly told me she still didn't like it and asked me to say something again. She said she was too shy to say something to her older friend. There are a million reasons why I want... need her to be able to say it herself.  I want her to build confidence telling adults and older kids that something they are doing it not okay with her...it is something she has always struggled with.  She is so afraid of making someone "mad" at her or disappointing someone. It is such a dangerous trait- being afraid to say "no" and it makes me so worried for her sometimes.

We talked about it and she was not willing to talk to her friend directly so we decided Partner would handle it. That morning Partner was unable to connect with the girl so we knew it would have to wait till the next day.  When I came home that night, Butterfly told me that earlier in the day she did it herself! She told her friend she did not like to be tickled and told her to stop. And, she said the girl said "okay" and stopped. She said "she wasn't even mad."  I think that one little step has increased Butterfly's confidence tremendously. Now, we just need to keep building on it. 

This afternoon we our second student-led parent/teacher conference. I love this school. And Butterfly told me yesterday that she loved it too. She has really started writing. She said at school they told her to just sound it out and it doesn't have to be spelled like in the dictionary. Little signs have begun to pop up around the house...most often reminders for me and Partner of toys that she or brother want... it is pretty cute.  She also just lost her first tooth. She is growing up. I feel so good that she has this school community to help her grow emotionally too.

I thought I would have to wait awhile for an opportunity to talk with Butterfly about having a dad. But it has come up twice just in the past couple days. Once when she was playing princess and calling me "Father". I asked her how she felt about not having a father. She said sad. She said that is why she likes to play "father" sometimes. So we talked about it for a few minutes and I told her that we could talk about it any time... and that she did not have to be afraid to bring it up. I actually sensed some relief from her- like something unnamed had finally been brought in to the open. Or maybe I am projecting my own feelings.

It came up again a day or two later. We were at the corner store talking to the owner about our weekend. The owner said something to Butterfly Girl about how lucky she was to have a mom and dad to take her to the snow. I probably didn't handle it right...I didn't say to the store owner "she has two moms". I just finished paying and we left.  On the walk home I asked Butterfly how that made her feel. She just kind of shrugged. I told her that people make lots of assumptions about families and reminded her that we are all different and that is okay. 

Maybe I should have said something to the owner. Not sure why I didn't.I imagine it is partly out of fear of rejection... I don't want Butterfly to see the owner change the way she interacts with us or whatever. And partly I just don't like to deal with it- it is like coming out all the time- sometimes I just get tired of correcting people.   I will have to figure that out for myself at some point. I should probably make a point of it when I am with the kids though...just to model for them. They will have to do that their whole lives too.

Daddies and Brothers

I spoke with Therapist about Butterfly Girl not wanting to go back to him. He asked how she was doing in other areas and I could reply honestly that she was doing so much better. I asked him if he thought there was some deep dark secret that was causing her so much pain. He was cautious about making too many assumptions with only seeing her 5 times but when I pressed him he said that he thought it might be two things.

First, Butterfly might be harboring some really strong  feelings about little Brother that are not so nice. Therapist said he thinks she is acutely aware of her feelings but unable to process some of them because of her age. If she is experiencing some really strong feelings that are not nice, she might be scared to talk about them. The feelings themselves might be scary to her. She is in conflict because she has feelings of love and protectiveness for Brother but other times she is very, very angry with him. That makes sense to me.

Second, Butterfly might be having a sense of sadness around not having a dad. Again, this might be something she is unable to process because she is not even clear why she is mad or sad...and also, she might not want to talk about it because she is trying to protect us- not hurt our feelings.  I pointed out that a lot of kids today grow up without daddy. He said yes, but not with two moms. Could she really be processing this at so young an age? Therapist thinks she has been trying to process for awhile. 

I remembered back to Butterfly's preschool and the day she came home in tears because the kids had been teasing her that she didn't have a daddy. I remembered another Teacher singling her out when the kids made Fathers Day cards- reminding her in front of the other kids that she did not have a dad and would have to find something else to do (we learned to talk to Teachers ahead of time to ensure that Teachers could address the whole class to make something for their Dad or Grandpa or Poppa, etc... use it is an opportunity to help children recognize all families look different). I thought about all the movies, tv shows, books, daily interactions that normalize having a dad/father. I thought about the way she and Brother like to call me Father sometimes...

I wondered how many missed opportunities I had where I didn't stop and really talk to her about it. I think in part due to my fear that she will ask about it and I won't handle it right. Long ago, we decided that we would tell the kids who the Donor is so they could have the connection. He is a very dear friend and we want that circle to be complete for the kids. But honestly, I get overwhelmed just thinking about what that might bring up in her. Maybe she feels that from me. I won't run from it anymore. 

I think Therapist is probably right on target with both his assessments. I asked him what to do. He suggested I look for opportunities to bring up both things in context. For example, the next time we see some kids hanging out with their dad. Or we see an older kid playing with a younger sibling. 

After the call, I told Butterfly Girl that Therapist and I had a long talk and that we both agree that she does not have to go see Therapist right now. I told her that Therapist would really like to keep seeing her but understands if she chooses not go back right now. If she ever needs or wants to go talk with him or someone else, I will arrange it. She said okay. Right now she just wants me and mommy to help her. Internally, I say a little prayer hoping that we will have the insight and wisdom to be there for her in the ways she needs it. But, as obvious as his all seems to me after Therapist laid it out, I never really connected the dots the he did. I feel like we have something concrete to move forward with- something to help Butterfly identify and feel safe expressing her feelings about. I think we are all ready.

What a great long weekend.  It was wonderful to be home. We went on a beautiful hike with kids and parents from Butterfly's school. We rode scooters all over the neighborhood and through huge puddles (it rained). We baked banana bread and brownies and made popcorn balls (sort of).  We painted beautiful pictures and read stories. We went to a birthday party. We went to the beach.  I could live my whole life like this but today it is back to work for and back to school for the kids.

We did have our ups and downs. I had to remove Butterfly from stores on three different occasions. Butterfly's energy was over the top and she was not listening. She does need to be safe in stores and she does need to listen when I tell her something is not working for me or I have a limit.  I was able to stop myself and decide why I was reacting- was it because of others disapproving glares? Nope. It was because she almost knocked over a 40 bottle stack of Absolut vodka. Hopefully, the third time will stick with her and future trips to the store will be easier to manage for all of us.

Tonight is Therapist night. He called me last week but I didn't get a chance to actually talk with him. His message said that he thinks some feelings might be coming up for her and that is why she does not want to go. I agree. However, I will not put Butterfly in the car screaming and kicking and fighting to drive her to a therapist to "talk". That doesn't sit right with me. 

It is interesting because not too long ago that is exactly what I would have done- I would have told myself it was for her own good. I don't even begin to pretend I know which is best.   I would love it if she would go- I think it would be helpful for Butterfly. But if she isn't ready...couldn't it be more damaging?  If parenting is anything, it is humbling. I am flying in the dark 90% of the time. I have no idea what is best anymore. My opinions and judgements have all blurred into a mass of gray.

Maybe I should listen to Therapist. He is the professional.  But I know Butterfly better. I feel like this is such a significant decision in her short little life that could potentially impact the rest of her life. Aren't we always hearing about people that remember ____ when they were 5 years old and how that has shaped their lives today..... I feel all this pressure to make the right decision- like we are standing at a fork in the road. But I remind myself that the most important thing is to make decisions with an open mind and with love. Or as Butterfly sometimes reminds me- I don't have to be perfect I just have to do the best I can.

Back to the Roots...

I am reading a book by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn tittled "Mindful Parenting".  It is a great book - always makes me think and pushes me to try parenting in a different way.  Recently, I was reading about consciously identifying our actions, examining and understanding them- including where they  originated. 

I have come to realize that it is not so much that I struggle with Butterfly expressing herself but instead I struggle with how it appears to others-   like at the playground or a neighbor or another child. I realized that when no one else is around, I can work with the tantrums and other types of behavior. But, if I am in the store parking lot, I immediately become focused on how others are perceiving us. I "believe" that children should behave a certain way when in public- relatively calm, following directions, polite (excuse me and thank you), etc.  And I realized these expectations are things I have put on her (and Brother).  

I think this stems from being raised to be polite, to stand quietly when adults are talking, to eat whatever is served, to say hello, thank you, sorry because it is polite and expected (even if you don't mean it or like it). I think alot of us are raised that way. I see it all the time.  "Say hello to Johnny."  "your friend is a visitor in your  home- please share your toy or we will have to ask your friend to leave."  "Say thank you" "Say I am sorry" "sit down, we are in a restaurant."  "be quiet." on and on... We also tell ourselves that we are teaching our children how to interface in the correct way with the world but often at the expense of asking our children to suppress or ignore how they are feeling. And often without providing other options and outlets for our children.

Through this study of NVC, I am recognizing that I have placed this expectation of politeness and orderly behavior on Butterfly in situations when others are around.  I am concerned with how things "appear" and keeping things "nice". And I often ignore Butterfly's feelings and needs in a given situation while expecting her to be polite, friendly and thoughtful.   In turn, I have been teaching Butterfly to deny feelings if they are not positive, friendly and polite. 

Next time I am in the grocery store and Butterfly is running up and down the aisles and singing loudly, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop myself and acknowledge that I am worrying what everyone else in the store is thinking. I am going to let go of my expectation that she talk in a quiet voice and walk in an orderly fashion next to the cart.

And then I am going to look at what is really going on for her- is she hungry? is she tired? is she bored because she has been running errands with me? is she mad because I am caught up in buying groceries and I am not present with her? Is she just happy and excited, enjoying an audience?  

And I am going to remind myself what values are most important to me.  I am going to remind myself that appearances are not the most important thing to me- connecting and engaging with my child- that is what is truly important to me. 

And, maybe next time, I will start singing with her....

Community

Teacher told me Butterfly had a great day yesterday. One of Butterfly's goals this year is to learn to jump the big jump rope. Yesterday, she had some success. When I came to school that afternoon she was practice both swinging the rope for others and jumping it. She was very happy. Who knew jump rope could be so much fun?

The School had the monthly K/1/2 meeting after school let out so Brother and Butterfly played while Partner and I went to the meeting. I did not get to go the one last month so this was my first time. It is mandatory for all parents with kids in K/1/2/ but few people were there. Probably has everything to do with the meeting being held at 330 PM on a weekday. However, there were a group of us. WE practiced NVC, asked questions and got updates on school stuff from the Teachers.  I enjoyed myself tremendously.

This school is so different. After the meeting, I was watching the kids on the playground. These kids don't have "bling" and in LA that is pretty amazing. I was talking to someone the other day whose 1st grader has been begging for an iPhone because "everyone else at school has them, even the kindergartners!"  The kids at Butterfly's old school were also much more mainstream, consumer oriented. I feel very fortunate our family got to break from that before it ate us alive- it can be hard to resist- especially in Los Angeles for some reason.

The kids at our School now are just a little different in their styles and presentation. And that doesn't mean that everyone is just dressing in expensive grunge. Even the 7/8 graders are different than other middle schoolers. The other day one of the middle schoolers slipped on the black top. All the other middle schoolers stopped what they were doing and helped her. They didn't laugh at her. Or tease her. Or leave her sitting there.  

There is just some underlying thing that is a little different. I can't put my finger on it yet.  The kids are just really close- maybe because it is such a small school and they grow up together since kindergarten. THere is a real sense of community, caring and looking out for each other. Maybe it is almost like a church family- that is a little of what it reminds me of at School. I think if I got sick, someone would bring me a casserole. I like that feeling.

The Best Therapy

We never made it to Therapist last night. I left work early to pickup Butterfly. Lately, our usual Tuesday evening consists of Butterfly and I driving to the Therapist's part of town (Beverly HIlls), parking, walking to corner coffee shop to get warm cocoa and then up to the ninth floor of a big glass building to see Therapist for 45 minutes.

When I arrived home to pick up Butterfly she was quietly sitting in the den. She was ready to go....until I actually said "let's go!" She quietly said "I don't want to go. I don't like him." I said "come on. Every Tuesday we do this. Let's just go , we can talk in the car."  She began crying, screaming, yelling- "I don't want to go! I hate him! Please don't make me go!"

I was somewhat prepared because this has happened almost every week we have gone to Therapist. I followed her to the kitchen where she threw herself down on the floor, big tears streaming down her face. I started my NVC speak. The problem was I didn't know what I needed her to do.

Should I make her go? Should I make her talk to him on the phone? Should I tell her she can stay home this week? What do I want her to learn from this moment?

Is this a life lesson for her- one in discipline, one in facing challenges? That it is important to keep appointments? That not everything in life is fun but you have to do it anyway? That even when things seem scary and overwhelming, if you face them you often feel better/ accomplished? That even with the mother of all tantrums, she still is not going to "win"? Isn't it obvious she needs therapy if it is this difficult just to go to therapy?

Or is this a lesson in learning to acknowledge feelings of discomfort or sadness or anger- long buried in her little heart? Maybe she feels "different" because she has to see Therapist- Butterfly doesn't do well with feelings of difference. Maybe feelings or something are coming up for her during therapy that she is scared to face. Should I be teaching her it is important to learn to talk about your feelings- even ones that are scary. That it is okay to ask for help? That when things begin to get real, you don't run, you confront them and begin to heal?

Or is it so much more simple? What does she really need from me in this moment? Butterfly, in this moment, needs to be heard. She needs to learn that her feelings are important. She needs to learn that I trust her needs. She needs to learn that expressing herself verbally, sharing her emotions, is respected in this house.  After all, emotional literacy is what we are all working on here- therapy or no therapy. 

I don't want to teach her to become "other-oriented" focusing on making things ok for others in her life.  I don't want to teach her that her feelings are not valid- that she needs to stuff them and walk into Therapist office, behave politely for 45 minutes and leave.  I don't want to teach her my feelings are more important than hers. I want her to know how she feels, what she needs, what she wants. Butterfly isn't here to meet my needs. I am here to meet her needs. 

Is the most valuable lesson in this moment actually for me? I need to let go of all my expectations of how to be in the world. I need to let go of the $200 Therapist will charge me even though we didn't set foot in the office. I need to let go of the idea that Butterfly is "winning" by not having to go...or that I am teaching her that having tantrums is ok. I need to recognize that she told me calmly at first that she did not want to go but she didn't feel heard because I kept pushing her out the door- that I played a part in how this escalated.

I need to stop, I need to look at this little girl, I need to really listen, I need to let her know I value her feelings and needs. I need to call Therapist and tell him we won't be coming. I need to thank Butterfly for being brave enough to share her feelings.  I need to apologize for  dragging her to Therapist the past few weeks and not hearing her. And then I need to hang out with my family. Isn't that sometimes the best therapy?