Superheroes

Butterfly had a play date at a friends house yesterday. That is happening more and more. Of course, it makes me feel really good that she has come so far.  A year ago, it would have been very risky to leave her at a friends house. We probably would have found some place to park around the corner and under the pretense of enjoying a cup of coffee at the corner shop, sat waiting nervously with cell phone on the table.... waiting for the inevitable call.'

How far we have come. We dropped her off and, with a hug and a kiss goodbye, we turned our full attention to Brother. Now Brother is often the second fiddle. The way we structure our days to the way we head out of the house or leave a playground - it all centers on Butterfly's needs. Not that we aren't aware of that. But, having smooth transitions is a boost for the whole family. Much better than managing a screaming, hitting little girl.

So, anyway, Partner and I plan to give Brother the day of his life! We stop first at a comic store. The kind with all the weird people inside browsing through thousands of superhero comic books while the grown adults gently handle the statues of R2D2 with the reverence of the Virgin Mary. A little uncomfortable but it is a store Brother has been begging to visit every time we pass it. So, in we went.  We made it out 40 minutes later, Brother the proud new owner of a Spiderman poster... his first poster ever.  He calls it wallpaper and can't wait to get home and hang it.

After a stop to play at the beach, the three of us, poster in tow, head home to hang it. In his room, there is only one place it will fit and that involves taking down his little hanging quilt with the farm animals and his name stitched across the bottom. As I am folding it to put in the closet, the new Spiderman poster looming above his bed, I realize he is growing up! My little baby boy has moved from cows, horsies and sheep to dark villains and superheros.

A little later, when Partner leaves to pick up Butterfly, Brother and I decide to make a nice dinner for them as a surprise. He is so excited to show her his new poster. He tells me he is really big boy now. He sets the table, chooses music and picks flowers from the backyard.  He has missed Sister all day. He can't wait to see her. While he chops fruit for the salad, we sing at the top of our lungs "The Girl with the most cake". He insists on making brownies for Sister and that we light candles- just like a real restaurant. 

Five minutes in the door, Sister explodes. She sits in her room (her own choice) while the three of us try to pretend we are in a fancy restaurant. Butterfly is screaming, things crashing in the kids bedroom. I try to peek my head in only to be told to fuck off, get out, I hate you!!  I return to the table straining to smile and pretend I am enjoying our dinner. Brother is trying to ignore it too as we yell how tasty dinner is back and forth over the loudening din of angry six year old screams. 

She finally emerges with a smirk on her face.  She sits across the room, glaring at me defiantly. It slowly dawns on me what she has done. I calmly get up from the table and make my way to the kids bedroom. On the floor and strewn across the bed is Brother's new Spiderman poster. Ripped into pieces. Shredded on the floor. 

I am so angry I can't think straight. I don't want to even look at Butterfly. I don't have any extra money to run to the store and buy another poster. I don't want to hear Brother's cries when he sees his new treasure. He was so excited- he felt like such a big boy. He had gotten something just for him. He had taken down his little boy quilt. He had wnated his sister...he had needed his sisters approval.

 I come out of the room and mouth the words to Partner. Butterfly is raging again. Brother is still trying to enjoy the dinner he worked so hard on. I grab Butterfly and put her in a different room. I ask Partner to continue eating with Brother. I go get the tape.  For the next hour, I piece together his poster with packing tape. It is obviously ripped, torn. But I manage to get most of the pieces lined up well enough. I move through my emotions- rage, anger, confusion, disappointment, and then a deep, settling sadness that comes with exhaustion.

Over the next several hours before bedtime, there are many talks with Butterfly. At bedtime, as I lay down next to her, she begins screaming again. Partner and Brother move to the other room so Brother does not have to bear witness to the cruel, hurtful words she is screaming at me.  I acknowledge her feelings. Over and over. She is so close to my face, I can feel her warm breath, her spit flying. After 20 minutes, she slows down. She is still mad- but that is my Butterfly Girl. She asks me to rub her back and as I slowly scratch her back, I feel her tension releasing and she falls into a deep sleep.

I lay awake for several hours pondering the events of the evening.... how things could have been different, why it has to be so hard, how much it hurts Brother and Partner.... and finally, I escape into a deep dark sleep where I find some peace- at least for a few hours.

The Funny Things Kids Say...

It is the start of a New Year. Hard to believe the journey we have been on together the past six years with little Butterfly Girl. Of course, she is not so little anymore- already 6 and, quite honestly, acting like a 13 year old most of the time. "Whatever" with a roll of the eyes or asking for alone time in her room or complete defiance...she feels so misunderstood and she tells me that often.  She is still very angry.  Before we could never figure out what she was angry about- now she tells us- constantly. She hates me, she hates her brother, she hates her dinner, she hates her dog, she hates her room, she hates, hates, hates....  But, although it is absolutely exhausting, I see it as progress. At least she is verbalizing it. And, I sit and listen until she is "done" and then she is generally able to move on. Such big, complex emotions for a little one. She must be as exhausted by it as I am.

But sometimes I am reminded that she is still just a little kid. Either from a surprise hug or a question about how the world works or something she says.  Two of my favorite conversations this year revolved around dogs.  About a month ago, we picked her up from park day (her school spends every Friday at a large, local State park). 

Anyway, from the back seat she says "I finally got to see a pimple." 

"A pimple?" I ask.

"Yeah. I have been waiting to see one."

"Hmmm.... when did you see the pimple?" I ask.

"Today. Down by the water. My friend's dad showed it to us."

"The dad?" I ask.

"Yeah. We got to pet it and play with it. It was really cute."

"Hmmm......" my mind racing.

"Are you talking about a dog?" I asked.

"Yeah. A pimple."

"Oh... a pit bull.  You got to pet a pit bull."

"Yeah. Whatever. A pit bull.  It was cute."

And then last night, we were talking about our family's 2010 New Year resolution- one of which is "Make a difference for Mother Earth." Butterfly was talking about the ways she planned to help including recycling, helping animals, etc. She remembered the other week when Partner and the kids were out and found a lost dog wandering the streets.

"We can help Mother Earth by finding homes for her animals when they are lost."

"That's a great way to help" I said.

"Just like the other day when we saw that lost dog."

"What dog was that?" I ask.

"She was wandering lost. We think she had a pit load of puppies because her bras were hanging down."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yup. She had a pit load of puppies somewhere because her bras hung way down to the ground."

"Hmmm.... yes, that is a great way to help Mother Earth."

"Yeah. Whatever."

Ahhhh.... here's is to a New Year full of growth, struggles and lots of laughs.

A New Chapter

For a while I stopped writing. I think I was trying to assume a new sense of normalcy as Butterfly Girl grows and matures, outbursts become less frequent and life unfolds. I also stopped because the whole mess around the charter school was terrifying and perhaps I thought not writing about it would help squash all the uncertainty and keep my terror of "what the hell are we going to do if there is no charter?!"  far enough under the surface. 

All that said, the charter did not come through and we were left at a dead end with no where to turn- or so we thought. But life has a way of unfolding and in my life I have always been fortunate to have a trap door open at the last minute through which I always fall clumsily into a new and wonderful experience.

Welcome to Play Mountain Place (PMP). The new school. It has been around for 60 years and it isn't going to go away. It is child-centered. It is humanistic. It is inclusive. The whole day is spent almost entirely outdoors. There are no textbooks, homework, formal classes. There is no raising hands or sitting on squares. There are no bells or lines. There is no "lunchtime"- just eat when you are hungry. Butterfly often eats her lunch perched high in a tree.  

There is morning meeting where kids share plans and problems and questions. There are "teacher led" plans including water plans, wood shop, recorder, rock band, origami, reading, digging and more. There are kid led plans too. Kids choose what they want to participate in on any given day. Butterfly has built a dog house and a bird house. Numerous fascinating and intricate origami pieces have come home. She is learning to play the recorder. On Peace Day last week, the kids made signs out of cardboard and did an impromptu march through the busy city streets near the school. Honk for Peace. 

The yard is an oasis in the middle of the throbbing city. Providing a natural ceiling, tall, old trees worn by 60 years of kids like Butterfly climbing and swinging from the branches cover the yard.  You cannot hear the sound of traffic, horns or airplanes. Structure of wood in shapes and configurations wilder than Dr. Sueus' imagination provide challenging climbing structures and forts. There are geodesic domes for art and meetings. There is a small stage for impromptu performances.  The kids in her yard range from 5 - 12. They interact all day. 

And... the coolest thing... is the mush area. I think this must have been designed 60 years ago for a kid just like Butterfly. The floor and walls are covered with those mats you see in gymnastics. There is a punching bag. A wall of old newspapers  waiting to be torn, thrown, ripped, stomped on. Large padded things to wrestle with or throw. The mush area is to help kids get out energy and also work out big feelings that are manifesting physically in a safe area. Butterfly spent the first three days in there... by her own choice of course.

 We are all learning a new language. I am learning a new way to parent. Our parenting classes at school start next month. All the parents are required to take them. Brother is also in school at PMP. He is in a younger yard with kids 3 -5. In a couple years, they will be on the same yard. 

Much has happened in the last couple weeks since school started. A new chapter in our lives. More to come.

Happy Birthday Butterfly!

Butterfly Girl turned six. And that was no small feat. I don't mean the year of ups and down- the emotional battles won and lost, the fears, the questions. I mean the birthday party.

Last year Butterfly Girl did not have a birthday party. She is one of the unfortunate ones that has a birthday in the summer- meaning school is out and friends scattered by summer plans. This holds true until high school at least. So, unless you are well liked, it can be hard  to fill a summer party with little kids.  

This year, with some coaxing, she decided she wanted a party with friends. Partner and I were excited. We planned for the big day, reserving a giant slip 'n slide, the Tinkerbell ice cream cake, and party favors.  It was a luau theme and served fruit kabobs. Butterfly decorated home with flower leis, musical instruments, stuffed animals and a pineapple.

The morning passed to afternoon. I had cold feet. Would anyone really show up? The evite said yes. I tried to curb my jitters by taking pre-party pics of the Butterfly and Brother on the big slide. 1 PM arrived... and so did the friends. One after another, little kids from her class walked through the door bearing cards or gifts. They displayed no nervousness. After a quick assessment of the house, toys and snacks, each kid inevitably ran to the slip n slide. Butterfly slipped along with the rest of them.  Everyone was having fun.

We broke out the cake. Kids gathered around to sing The Song. As their little voices rang out, Butterfly covered her ears and hid her head in partners skirt. When the singing was over, Butterfly had the biggest piece of cake. 

Long after everyone had gone home for the night, Butterfly and I had a few moments together while she explored her pile of very thoughtful gifts (she really scored).  We talked about the party, her friends, Brother, being six.... After a few moments of silence, where I actually tried to steal a quick cat nap, I felt her pulling on my leg. She said,  "You know, having friends is kinda fun." And with that she scooted off to play.  

"Okay. Maybe later."

Butterfly struggled from the moment she woke up yesterday. She seemed very angry- a short fuse. By the time Teacher came to pick her up for the day, she had  already had two explosive episodes. Apparently she struggled at camp too. By the time I arrived home from work, everyone seemed a bit frazzled. 

We had plans to go to a concert at the beach with the whole family. Before we left, Butterfly began screaming, big tears rolling down her face while she writhed around on the ground- angry? disappointed? sad? There was no play structure for her at the beach. She wanted to play at a playground- period.  I couldn't touch her. She was too much on the edge. I sat on the floor with her thinking most almost 6 yr. olds don't do this..why do I keep losing her to her own feelings? Why do I still feel so helpless? Why don't I know how to soothe her yet? 

I suddenly felt exhausted. I had rushed home from work so we could all enjoy the evening. I was really looking forward to doing something fun. I was angry with myself for not being able to see these tidal waves coming... and not being able to prevent them. I was sad for Brother who was excited and happy about the concert, vying for my attention which was focused solely on Butterfly. I was mad at Butterfly... here we go again. Either one of us has to stay home with her or we all go and risk having to leave quickly if we have another episode.  And, no matter what, we will be late because we can't walk out the door like this. 

I move to give her space so she can't kick me. Then I begin my monologue, which it always is at this point. "It looks like you are having some really big feelings right now." Inside, I acknowledge that I am having some damn big feelings too. I try to stay in observation mode-  neutral, calm. I remember Teacher telling me long ago that she doesn't take it personally. I breathe and ask for a little patience. If Butterfly senses that I am in a hurry, it always takes much longer. I move to the present and let go of our plans.  I continue talking. I always wonder if she can even hear me at moments like this. 

Eventually I notice a slight shift in the tension in her body. I move forward and scoop her up. I am struck by how big she is, how her body pours out of my lap. She is hot and still wound tight. I begin to rock her. She finally blurts out "I don't know what I am feeling! I don't know what it is that I am feeling!" That is the break through. I know very well she doesn't know what she is feeling... or why. How could any little child begin to process emotions that rage so heavily inside? I know it is not time to press her to explore her emotional battlefield. It is still too raw.  I just hold her and rock her. I remind her that it is okay to feel. I acknowledge that sometimes feelings can be scary. I remind her that she can always talk to me... about anything... even if she doesn't know what to say...or has nothing to say.  After I say it, I realize it doesn't make any sense but she knows I am trying to reassure her. She knows I don't make sense a lot of the time. She is okay with my imperfections.

Eventually, we make an agreement to work on pulling through it for the rest of the evening. We agree to make our plan be "to have some fun."  She is subdued in the back seat on the drive over, wringing her hands, her jaw set tightly. I am worried as it takes longer to find a parking space than anticipated. She sees a playground and says she wants to go. Oh no. This is what started it all. I remind her that we are here for the concert not the playground. I look back it her through the mirror and hold my breath, waiting for her reply. After a moment, she looks up and says "okay. maybe later." I know that we will be okay again. I look at my little family and I am overwhelmed by my good fortune. I have everything I need right in that moment, inside the car. 

We have a great evening. She acts like a kid and I notice the tension, although still there, has begun it's release. I find that I have relaxed too. 

Bring on the Bugs!

Today Butterfly Girl had "camp" with her amazing Teacher. Teacher is hanging out with her... exploring and doing fun things. Last year, Butterfly went to a "regular" camp.  It was only during the day but she did not know anyone... kids or counselors. It was horrible for her. We stopped sending her after two days. Now, when I look back on it, I feel horrible- just imagining how painful that experience was for her. I don't know what we were thinking. 

But, today she had a blast which is great because we have had a rough couple weeks since school has been out. When I got home from work, Butterfly ran to see me hollering about some bug Teacher had given her. On closer inspection and explanation, I learned that she had been gifted a praying mantis. Praying Mantis eat bugs and, according to Butterfly, we will need to catch small bugs every morning to feed her.  They cannot be in the same habitat with the stick bugs because the praying mantis will eat them. She was so excited and, although I don't relish the idea of bug hunting every morning, I am kinda excited too. And secretly I am a little proud that Butterfly Girl likes bugs.  I love bugs too. She acknowledge that her pet collection is growing. Then she reminded me that "means my spirit is growing too".  Bring on the bugs!

Butterfly Graduates

Yesterday Butterfly Girl graduated Kindergarten. I was so proud of her - she could have been winning the Nobel Peace award. The whole graduation felt somewhat surreal.  The names of her classmates were called one by one. The children would run or walk or skip across the blacktop to get their certificate from the teacher. And then I heard her name.   

This year it did not go silent when her name was called. I heard clapping and cheering- several classmates shouted out her name. She stuck her tongue out at no one in particular before she stood up.  Then she walked slowly, head down with the famous Butterfly Girl scowl sprawled across her face.  I was so proud- that was my girl. Some parent behind me said "Oh my- that is an unhappy girl."  I decided not to turn around and see who it was. I didn't want anything to ruin our moment.  Actually, the woman's comment kinda made it all perfect- there has all been something bittersweet about every moment in Butterfly's short life. The fact was, this woman was making an observation of Butterfly on the outside. The secret with Butterfly Girl is always on the inside.  Butterfly was happy. And Butterfly was very proud. I bet she heard everyone of her schoolmates that cheered and shouted for her.  

The year has certainly had its ups and downs. We started the year at the public school near our old house. We felt so normal the first few days walking Butterfly to school, sharing smiles and morning nods over portable cups of coffee. But then, Butterfly Girl started getting sent to the Principal's office several times a week, The kids teased her and would not play with her. The Teacher became frustrated and asked for us to consider IEP and Special Ed. Butterfly was suspended from school and sent home early countless times. They wanted her to only come for a half day. They questioned our parenting. They told us something was wrong with Butterfly. Parents and Teachers began to look at us differently. We got sucked into a horrible dark hole with constant battles with Principal, Teacher, school psychiatrist.... We began to take Butterfly to an outside Psychiatrist while we desperately searched for answers.  Then one day Butterfly Girl was attacked by a group of girls on the play yard- they pulled down her pants and kicked her while she lay crying on the asphalt. That was her last day at the other School. That day we swore we would never put her back in the "system."

And then, like some miracle, we got a call from the charter school that same afternoon. A spot had opened. We could start on Monday.  We cried with joy. Little did we know at that moment what a wonderful, life changing experience we were about to embark on. I began to read everything I could on this new way to communicate- Non Violent Communication. I practiced with Partner and the kids. Butterfly connected with one of her Teacher's and the Teacher connected with her. Transformations began to happen. A veil was lifted and we could see some hope. The Teacher became a pillar of support. The school and the philosophy became the foundation for our much stronger family. Butterfly stopped seeing the Psychiatrist. She had a few Reflection days (days when she was sent home from school because she was struggling to be there). There were still phone calls from the school- but this time it was to provide Butterfly the opportunity to talk with us- we would support her and help to bring her back to a place where she could function for the remainder of the school day. But most importantly, Butterfly made some friends. She had play dates and even had her first sleep over!  

Butterfly graduated kindergarten.